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After 2 weeks and just as I was getting used to the idea of my exaH's decision to have nothing to do with our son, today I get an email from him:
Starting this Monday I would like to start seeing (child). If Mondays don't work for you then we will have to pick another day that works for both of us. I would pick him up from the bus and him and I would go do something and I would have him back by 8. Also if its fine with you I would like to start calling him again each night. When I have (child) it will be zero tolerance concerning alcohol.
So now what? Do I believe him? Do I trust him? How do I trust a man who announced his decision to have nothing to do with our son, that he doesn't consider him to be his father, that I can go find him another father, like I've always wanted to do, etc etc? I was beginning to see the benefits of NOT having exaH in our son's life. Now, exaH has decided he'd like to pop back in? So, now what do I do? ESH appreciated.
The problem here , is if he decided to take it to an Attorney and go the legal route, he has rights as a Father and it would be up to the court to decide if his alcholism is an issue or not.
(which you know it is)Your son doesnt know that he decided at one time that he didnt want to see him. When he said he no longer wanted to see his son, he probably was drunk. Maybe he is trying to get sober. Im sure your boundaries would be that he has to be sober.
Either way this can only be your decision, this is too personal of an issue for any of us to give an opinion. Your talking to someone that had her daughter snatched when she was 6 years old, when I was going thru a divorce with my first husband.( a non alcoholic) There are crazy men that dont drink. I was not reunited with my daughter the first time until she was 12 years old. Those 6 years destroyed any bond that we had. We were reunited when she was 25 and believe me we had to really work at it.
The problem with your question is there are legal issues that I feel none of us are equipped to answer. I think you should get some legal counsel. Wishing you all the best.
Do you have some sort of custody agreement/arrangement? If so, you will have to follow what the courts decided on. If not, you may need to go and do that. I know there are ways to make it so he has supervised visits, or not, that he can have certain days that you agree on, and that he may have to pay child support if he is not already, and the court would help you figure that out as well. I don't know how old the child is, but I have to say, allowing some sort of relationship with his dad is probably a good thing. I am no expert, but the court and your lawyer can help you sort this all out legally and with only the child's best interest in mind.
Aloha Rora...Wow...small miracles huh? Yep alcoholics are just like we are. They make mistakes just like we do, have time to think about it and then attempt to make amends for it; making it right. Sometimes I can use what they do to teach me what I should do myself in some cases. Sounds like he's being accomodating by giving you his thoughts and wanting you to participate. He knows you elsewise he might never have made contact. Wants to be responsible seems like and has hope...seems like that also. "Yes", "No", "I want to think about it", "I'll get back to you"... meetings, sponsor calls...get into your tool box. Choices are about doing the best we can and not perfection. Thanks for the trust. ((((hugs))))
It sounds as if your A has a lot of strong impulses going on -- first whole hog one way, then whole hog the other way. Calling your child every night is quite a commitment. And it would be quite a commitment for you, too, wouldn't it? Having to make sure the schedule is clear at a certain time each evening, and maybe worrying about whether the call was going to come, and whether your A would be in a fit state to talk to your child. That might give me pause.
Of course it's good for kids to have contact with their parents, in most (of course not all) cases. And the courts would probably mandate some visitation unless things were very bad. I don't want to give 'advice' in any way so take my observations for what they might be worth. But I'd worry about an A picking a child up from a bus stop, because first, what if the A is drunk and you wouldn't want him to go off with the child? You'd have no way of checking. And second, what if he were so drunk he forgot to pick up the child? Could the child get home on their own? Would they know what to do? It seems like a risky set-up to me. The parents I've known in this situation had the visiting parent pick up the child from home, so the non-A could assess whether the A was drunk. And often they had a good back-up plan in place in case the A didn't show.
My A also swears he'll never, ever drink in this or that situation. I'm very sure he means it at the time. But he's in huge denial about how well he can resist alcohol. I think the one thing you can trust about an alcoholic is that they will drink.
The weekly visitation sounds reasonable to me if there's a way to keep your child safe. The daily phone call would give me pause. That's a big demand on you. I'd need a lot of recovery to handle that one calmly, with all its potential problems, every single day.
Please disregard anything that doesn't fit. Take care of yourself.
Mattie, I can tell that you've been in a similar place to me, as I have made many of those same observations about this situation as what you've been so kind to outline. I think if a plan is to come together, it requires some "tweeking" so that it meets all requirements and also so that if it doesn't get carried through on (and lets face it, there will be times when it doesn't) then the devastation is at a minimum.
I would agree that the A is very impulsive. Because I know him so well, I know this is the "I'm a grown up, doing a grown up thing, being very reasonable and cooperative, stand up sorta guy" side of his personality. And when he's like this, he believes this with all his heart and would expect me to as well. Then, the first pin that drops that doesn't go A's way, this will all change and he will have every reason to abandon his child/drink/drug be a victim, what have you, and the cycle will repeat. I've lived with this man for 10 yrs. I know the drill. Responding the reality of my situation is what I have learned by the Alanon program, not by what I wish was the truth.
I plan to give this some more thought. Decide what makes the most sense for me and our son and then go from there. Without any formal legal agreement, I am thankful for the flexibility to decide what is best, considering all angles.
thank you so much to you all, you have all been so supportive...
the ex A who I was with was and probbably still is pretty impulsive. He would go a lon way to try to control me in order to try to feel less out of control. He always had some plan that he never followed through on. He never got to that part of it. When he did he always had a million excuses why he couldn't and none of them were about him and his actions. They were all external no matter what.
I'm hoping you can negotiate rather than be dictated to. I know that's a tall order but it sounds like you are taking your time to respond which is a great sign.
Given the details of the situation (and you've gotten great feedback) I'd consider the following: are there any legal situations currently covering visitation? and Have you spoken to an attorney about your rights and your child's regarding all of this.
I can identify with dealing with impulsivity....with my wife I find if I can delay responding at all often things get dropped and forgotten....maybe not likely in your case but some delaying to figure things out may be a good idea, even if you choose to be up front about why you don't automatically say "yes".
Funny in another post someone said "Don't react"....and I remembered a phrase "Don't just do something, STand there!!!"
