The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If he drinks, I can't do anything about it. If he doesn't answer his cell when I call it, I have to get something else to do. WHen I get home tonight I will find something to do that doesn't revolve around my obsession.
I am trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I am as addicted to him as he is to alcohol. I can only imagine what it would be like to walk down the street and find three or four stores where I could go in and see HIM. That must be what its like for them to walk down the street and see three or four liquor stores in a row and have the power to not walk in and buy a half pint or some nips. There are no stores selling my addiction so I have it pretty good. HA!
I need to concentrate on me today. I have a big photography event coming up this weekend (a wedding) so I should try to focus on that and my son's birthday party is Saturday so that is a good thing to look forward to as well... Thanks for reading....
"I can only imagine what it would be like to walk down the street and find three or four stores where I could go in and see HIM. That must be what its like for them to walk down the street and see three or four liquor stores in a row and have the power to not walk in and buy a half pint or some nips. There are no stores selling my addiction so I have it pretty good. HA! "
I too am having trouble letting go of my addiction to my AH. Also of my fears of what is going on with him. I treated myself to a mani-pedi over the weekend and became convinced that during the hour & a half I was gone, he was drinking. When he was an active A, he used to always sneak alcohol while I wasn't around. I worked myself up into quite the lather over that. In the end, he didn't drink and I wasted at least part of my "me time" obsessing about HIM. Ugh, when will it end!
-- Edited by Cloudsea on Wednesday 15th of September 2010 11:20:27 AM
-- Edited by Cloudsea on Wednesday 15th of September 2010 11:21:15 AM
Cloudsea, thanks for seeing my humor in that! hahaha. That is so nice that you went for a mani-pedi, great you time. I hear you on worrying about HIM the whole time though. That is what I do at work all day while my abf is unemployed and laying about the house... I guess I can try to look at it like this: I have a HIM store in my head that I need to stay away from. If I go to that "store", I get sicker and sicker. So, stay out of that store by keeping myself busy in other ways... Oh boy, this could be rough! HA!
Have you read Pia Melody she has some great insights on this issue. I don't know that I call it addiction anymore. I think that sounds like something you stumbled on. I look at it as "attachment" issues. As an abused child I "attached" very strongly to people in what's called an ambivalent style. As a result of that anxiety I was a compulsive caregiver to qench my tremendous anxiety. Along with that I had huge abandonment issues which began in the past but still carried on to the present. That anxiety and those feelings were absolutely unmanageable for me. So I would say my own feelings were unmanageable whoever the person was..... I don't think it was about the person or what they did it was all about me and my past.
I have a lot of respect for people who want to call it an addiction but I don't think dealing with that issue is as simple as not having contact. I think its about looking at how we "attach" to others and coming to an understanding about it.
Since I've come to embrace that I certainly didn't choose to "attach" in that way, I was set up to be that when I grew up in a dysfunctional home. I don't agree anymore that coming to terms with those feelings is similar to alcoholism. For me there is no sobriety from those feelings (because it isn't about how long it has been since I saw interacted with the ex A) there is a reappraisal of what they mean to me and a compassion for myself around it.
Maize...Practice, practice, practice cause you're getting there real well. When I can look down at my feet and realize where I am at and then look straight up above me and as "where do you want me" I miss all the distractions inbetween. Have a successful shoot and birthday party (ice cream cake?)...(((((hugs)))))
Maresie: That is a nice perspective and I have a very similar childhood... Hmmm. I will think on that. I tend to get so caught up in other people I forget myself. That is what I mean by addiction. I was told I by the rehab counselor that I am a people addict and that I have a very high tolerance for pain....many different kinds of pain. But I agree that it is not by choice but because of the abuse in my childhood that I do this....Thanks!
Jerry: As always, thank you :) I am trying to practice the alanon way and not the other way where I use denial to get through...
-- Edited by Maize on Wednesday 15th of September 2010 02:43:46 PM
Well I think its pretty important to know these patterns arose in childhood, they were practical then, they aren't now. Learning new patterns is pretty hard stuff. The first step is identifying them, the second step isn't to beat yourself to a pulp about them, the next step is to be willing to try new things and not be very good at them. Then as Jerry suggest to practice and look how it feels (in the begining not so great, after a while a lot better). Self care is pretty hard when no one cared for you in the first place.
