The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's probably my own issues that I'm reading into everything too much, but I get the distinct feeling that my therapist and many alanonites are hinting that I'm going to be alone or lonely (by this I mean "no partner", no intimate relationship etc.) for the rest of my life and that I should not only get used to it but try to find happiness in it since that's just how it's going to be.
It really may be my own issues here and that's not what anyone is telling me, but rather what I really fear. My therapist wants me to be "less dependant on others for my happiness and find it within, by myself," or something like that.
What's ironic is that I've spent most of my life alone. As a kid (alcoholic dysfuntional family) while other kids were outside playing I was watching TV, reading, playing music etc. .....all by myself. As a teen, I played music, did HW, studied, watched tv, watched sports...all by myself. (Now I don't want to give the impression I was a shut in....i did have some friends and did do things with other kids from time to time but my strongest memory is mostly being alone. As an adult, while I'd prefer company, I'd often go on vacations, go to ballgames, see a movie, or eat dinner at a restaurant....all by myself. As a married man whose wife at times either was uninterested or too full of anxiety, or "not feeling well" to go with me so I went to weddings, funerals, baptisms, birthdays, parties...all by myself. I remember many a christmas eve, watching a Christmas movie on TV....all by myself. I've never let being by myself stop me from doing what I want, but to be honest I long for an intimate relationship, a partner with whom to share things. I'm tired of almost always doing things alone and by myself.
The only intimate relationship I have in my life, is someone I pay to be intimate...No, not that!!! My therapist....I'm very close with my daughter and she brings me much joy, but that's a kid...very different. I just find this sad....and now I'm being asked to do better at being alone.
Again I'm probably reading too much into this....perhaps the idea is not to be "dependent" on another for company or happiness or whatever. That I have to love myself, treat myself better and actually enjoy my own company and that later on I'd be a better partner some day....I just couldn't help getting that fearful feeling of being alone forever....
I've certainly spent long period alone and felt very very lonely.
I've now had to change my attachment style. Certainly I have friends and recovery partners, not least of which a sponsor, certainly I would like to have a relationship. I always felt being alone was not enough. Right now it is and I do feel it is "enough".
I don't think al anon is about more of the same at all. For me the program has felt like coming home in so many ways. I could be open about my problems (the ex A used them against me). I could also be open to change. Of course I did not feel it was me who had to change but ultimately it was.
I don't believe I will be alone forever. But I do believe the healthier I become, the harder I work on having healthy relationships (non-intimate), the more at peace I am alone and love myself, when I do finally find a relationship I will be better at it. I won't be in a relationship because I need to be or because it completes me. I will be in one with a person who walks beside me, accepts me for who I am and I them, I can communicate with and trust. To do that . . . I need to be that person first.
The neat thing is - is if it never happens that's ok. I am living for the moment - working hard to be a better person, working hard to be more successful, and if it happens GREAT! If not, GREAT! I am happy today. I am not worried about being happy tomorrow or what it is going to take to get there.
For me I had to accept the bold, honest truth. I am alone. I am a single entity. No one can read my thoughts or feel my feelings. I may have people in my life to love, share time with, be intimate with, share everything with - but I am still a solitary being - and until I am comfortable in that state (which is the reality) I am not going to be comfortable in anything else.
Just my take.
Wishing you my best.
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
In my understanding of Al-Anon, it's only once we learn to take care of ourselves that we can form healthy relationships.
It's that old, addictive part of my brain that tries to tell me, "If you don't appease him, if you don't stay enmeshed, you'll be alone forever! The only relationship you can have is one like this, so don't endanger it or you'll be alone forever!" That kind of thinking has kept me with addicts, but I never had intimacy with them. There were strong feelings all right, but there wasn't trust and safety. I used to think the chaos and conflict was as good as it could get for me. Now I'm not so sure.
One thing to think about might be why you've done so many things alone over the years? I guess a therapist would have a lot of ideas about how to figure that one out. But I strongly don't feel that any one person is "destined" to be alone, especially if that means without friends, companions, supportive people. Sometimes we make choices that distance us more. But we have the ability to make different choices.
-- Edited by Mattie on Tuesday 14th of September 2010 05:19:01 PM
Aloha Yankee...I remember thoughts like the title to this thread and was rescued once again by loving members and my sponsor. I was taught about fortune telling and projecting my self into the future when the solution was in just living within the 24 hours I had in front of me. I've learned a lot of metaphors to help me picture the lesson and then remain in the solution which is to Live "One Day at a Time"... in Al-Anon. Anything else is so very self defeating.
Hi and thank you for your post. It sounds as though you have been with someone yet very alone. I remember being with an alcholic and seriously never felt so alone in my life. The great thing is that you also sound as if you have been doing things with or without your partner and not isolating. Dont worry about tomorrow would be the best suggestion I could give you, try not to project and live for today. As we change, our perspectives and feelings change, take it one day at a time and see how u develop :) thanks and glad your here.
I am a little over two from loosing the great love of my life. I miss my Tim everyday. However I am not lonely. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. There are times when I do get lonely, but that's to be expected. Sometimes I go with that feeling and it passes. Other times I reach out to my family & friends.
I don't know if I will ever be with someone again. I know right now I am not ready to be with anyone. I try not to project into the future. If I am blessed to have another love in my life, then so be it. If not, I know I can handle it. Maybe it's because I've always been extremely independent. I don't know. I admit I do miss the everyday things about being with someone. I have learned to adjust.
When Tim was drinking I realized that I was lonlier with him than when I made him leave. When he was sober, he was the great love of my life that I knew back in college. (I was blessed as he was a late bloomer to this disease. I had both worlds.) The key for me was not to isolate when he was drinking. Don't put your life on hold just because he's drinking. I learned this the hard way. It will help with the lonliness.
Even if I could predict the future, I wouldn't want to. For now I can only accept life on life's terms and take it ODAT. You'll be fine. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Kairlynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I was in a relationship before I got here and I was extremely lonely in that relationship.
I feel very blessed now that I have a wonderful husband that is in recovery.
In my opinion, the idea is not that we cut everyone off and be lonely in order to be healthy. I don't think that's healthy. I think the idea is that we stop deriving our self esteem from what other people do and think, stop living and dying by other people's actions, and become a friend to ourselves and start treating ourselves nicely. When we love ourselves, we can set healthy and appropriate boundaries with other people - so we can actually be able to love instead of holding on so tight out of fear that it smothers the other person.
Just my opinion.
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Wednesday 15th of September 2010 08:46:46 AM
Jerry, you said what I was thinking and what I am working on: Projecting.
Yankees: I suffer from great depression, anxiety, panic attacks, fear of abandonment etc etc, I could go on ad nauseum... BUT! Take heart! I have been learning about myself and projecting and catastrophizing about everything in the future is something I do quite well.
The thing is, just for today, live in the moment, enjoy the little things and take time to breathe. When you do anything today, be in the moment with that activity and notice everything....
I believe The Courage to Change has some interesting readings on being "alone". I too have spent much of my life lonely and alone and I have a very hard time with it. I am learning that fleeting moments of alone time can sometimes be the most rewarding and life changing. I am not perfect, but I am progressing... Take care of you!
Remember everything is subject to change. Nothing is forever. I have been following most all your posts and I don't remember a theme of people telling you that you are destined to be alone forever. I think right now you are lonely because your wife is unable to meet your needs. There is a difference of being lonely and being alone. I know many people who live alone but have very productive lives, socially and otherwise. I also know many who are in a relationship as you are so not alone but very lonely. I believe as you change your perspective on things will change. It is true when they say happiness is an inside job. If you are always looking for an outside source or another person to make you happy you are going to be disappointed. So I would concentrate on the here and now and what makes you happy. As you work your recovery you will attract more healthy people. As your self esteem grows you will attract more healthy people. Hey you didn't get where you are overnight and there is no majic wand thats going to change things overnight. It is going to take hard work and commitment on your part. You will get to where you want to be..but remember it will be in HP's time not yours Blessings
I here you xeno......makes me wonder then.....if happiness is only dependent on us why: 1. Does everyone (just about) try to get into a relationship, get married, live together etc.
and
2. Why are some people happily married (or happy in a relationship) and feel that it has made their lives so much better. I mean if we can be happy by ourselves, why bother with relationships....why feel the need too?
Now I can believe that people who are already happy would have happy relationships. Perhaps also we need to be happy by ourselves before we can get a good relationship and actually have it enrich our lives.
On a happier note.....I felt great after my therapy session on Friday, went to my brother's for the weekend....lots of dysfunction with his wife and family but I enjoyed seeing him and generally felt ok. Monday, depression hit...all the negative thoughts and feelings came roaring back. Same on Tuesday....I struggle to keep my head above water emotionally and managed to do so, but was not in a great place. I tried to stave off depression by reading about self love, research on happiness, writing gratitude lists (some were lame) and doing things I liked. What finally seemed to pull me out of it (and I'm sure there was some cumulative effect) was going to my favorite place (a little old fashioned seaside town not far from me) with my two favorite people in the world (my daughter and our dog) and eating at a chinese takeout place, and just walking with the dog after that. Somehow everything brightened up and has held through to tonight...still feeling better. I know the depression will come and go but I was pleased that I fought it off and never let it overwhelm me.
that I'm reading into everything too much, but I get the distinct feeling that my therapist and many alanonites are hinting that I'm going to be alone or lonely (by this I mean "no partner", no intimate relationship etc.) for the rest of my life and that I should not only get used to it but try to find happiness in it since that's just how it's going to be.
My therapist....I'm very close with my daughter and she brings me much joy, but that's a kid...very different.