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I just don't get it. I thought I was starting to, but I was wrong. Most of the time I've known/been with my X-bf he was a dry drunk. When I met him he had just gotten his 6 year coin and did attend meetings pretty regularly though that was it (no sponsor, no step work, etc) That all ended when he had to get a second full time job at night to afford his child support (three kids, three moms....yes WHY didn't I run then, right?)
I watched him spiral out of control. Guess what I did? went into "savior mode" (my own issue that I have been working on) fast forward about 18 mths, and countless tears, lies to overcome, other women he fooled with, arguments, telling me to leave, begging me to come back, threatening to kill himself and he comes full circle. Said he needed meetings. started again, sporadically. We become "exclusive". more arguements, lies, inappropriate behavior, go away, come back, baby I love you. What an ugly dance we've learned.
Now, present day, he's been making about 4 meetings a week. I was so proud of him. He would socialize after the meetings, making connections and friends and would just let me know, "Hey hon, grabbing coffee, will be home later than usual" cool. no problem. We finally felt like a "normal" (is there such a thing?) relationship. Then he got a sponsor. Even better! he really is going to work this program. Doing step work. and then......calls/texts after meetings stop. rolls in after midnight. Tells me I'm chaotic, and stressful and my mistrust (which I have been having a hard time with but in my opinion, he's lucky I have tried at all after all the lies I swallowed--my own fault I also realize) is something he doesn't have to put up with and he doesn't deserve to be asked questions and he wants a social life and i'm just jealous. So I'm thinking is this sponsor telling him to leave me? OR is there someone else. yes my mind goes there b/c he's been caught countless times being inappropriate.
The tension is too much to bear. His attitude is SO different towards me. He went from "I love you so much, I want to marry you, we can get through anything" to this cocky smirk all the time, telling me I'm crazy there is something wrong with me, I'm a troublemaker, all i want to do is argue and he deserves better. HE deserves better??? And all in like a week's time....since he started with the sponsor. I'm to the point where I feel I'm having a breakdown, so I finally went to my family and said everything out loud, all I've been dealing with and made arrangements to live at home for a while to save some money. I tell him. He says fine, good. This hurts so much but I'm pretty ticked off now. It's ugly.
last night I begin to pack and he just starts out of nowhere. I don't get it. First when I get home and get ready to go out for a while (he's there with one of his meeting friends) and he says where are you going? you have a date? I just asked, "does it matter?" very matter-of-factly and he said "no i guess not" and i muttered what do you care and he heard and said well I asked didn't I? His friend asks when I'm leaving and I tell him Friday and my x-bf says, "Friday? that's short notice" (what does this man expect??) I get home and he's there...every other night he's out til midnite or later and now he's home at ten? SO I go in the room to get stuff and he flips, tells me I had two hours while he was out to pack, who packs at 10pm, I'm just trying to invoke chaos and he leaves the house. whatever. I keep packing. texts come....I tell him I'm done in the room. he comes back, locks himself in. whatever. I start taking my pictures down, I hear him walk into the room behind me. He's quiet, he sighs, then back to his room. I text him goodnight and sleep well, I really don't want bad blood, I do still love him and he replies "nothing good about this night"
then I get texts about how he's not going to be happy, how can I actually believe he wants me to leave he just can't handle the arguments and stress and can't live this way. then I get texts about him being a horrible person, then how he's losing everything (cable, phone and internet is in my name and going with me) and b/c of that he will lose his business. It's happening to him all again and he will kill himself before he lives through that again (5 years ago he lost his apt b/c he cheated on his gf and she left and he moved in w/his sister) Here's where I know alanon as made a difference, instead of going into savior mode or trying to make him feel better I saw it for what it was... everything was ME, MINE, I...nothing about US, OUR LIFE, or just me for that matter.
He wanted me to go so why the heck is he acting all mopey??? And of course he's got babymama drama and he's talking to me about it....why? I can't remain friends with him, it's gotta be a clean break. Why is he doing this? Am I wrong in thinking he's starting up with someone else?? I just don't believe a sponsor of one week would tell him to turn his life upside down and get rid of half his income with no plan, but that's what he's trying to portray if you ask me. Mine told me wait 6 months in the program before making any kind of major decision, more if I needed it but minimum of 6 months and earnest step work.
I"m so confused. I just don't get it.....
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
This sounds like the scene when I left the ex A. Of course I did not move out overnight. He tantrumed, screamed, partied, brought his friends around and more.
I expected all of that. I also expected that I would be upset and desperate and feel guilty. I had held the exA together in so many ways for so many years.
I don't know that any recently recovered alcoholic can part as friends they are too vulnerable then.
Do you have a copy of Getting them Sober? That book will give you a good idea on expectations. For me expectations are everything. If I monitor them carefully I don't end up confused and absolutely swamped with resentment.
The general maxim in AA is to make no major changes in the first year. So I doubt very much any sponsor would suggest otherwise.
I do many people who socialize in AA and that seens to bond some of them. For others it means they are not really working an active program as an active program means taking care and being responsible.
Drama seems to be part of the alcoholism process. I had to get my fill of it before I stopped participating.
Hi This is my understanding of my situation It took me a long time to realise that my husband WANTED the hurt and the drama. It enabled his self torture. He wanted too feel bad so if he could get me to be hurtful and angry he had won his game. It really had nothing to do with me. It was about how much hurt and anger he could manipulate me to give him/ When drinking it enabled him to drink In sobriety it is to experience what he believes of himself....that he will never be good enough.
But he doesn't really mean what he says to me or how he makes me feel. Thats just a bi product of his self harm and just acts to make himself feel even worse.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. With my husband he began progressively more mentally abusive until I couldn't take any more.
I suppose we all have to find our own rock bottom.
The first 6 months of sobriety is still very much living with insanity. Basically I had to learn to set boundaries. I'm not hugely good at it. I decided on no contact for a year. Hard when there are children involved. I spent one year threatening. One year deciding to leave and two years separated from him. Hes now been sober and working the program for over 4 years. Nothing to do with me.....but i think i had to stop playing his games for him to find his rock bottom.
My question to you is , what do you want for your life?
What your dealing with is the reality of being with an Alcoholic. You want it to be different, you want it to be ideal and a partnership, which relationships should be . But it will never be because alcoholics are sick people. We have to do the steps and really recognize that we are powerless. That our sanity has to be restored, or we will be tossed around by the whims of a sick, diseased person. We have to recognize that we are dealing with a disease and accept it. And acceptance is where I am today... Who knows what the alcoholic is up too. Are your energies going to be directed at his recovery or yours?? We cannot predict the future or what will happen with our relationships with people we love. We have to go at it , One Day at a Time, and believe that your life will get better, have faith in your HP, that your life is being directed on the right path.
There could be something awaiting you that is better than you ever imagined.
Dont try and second guess the alcoholic, you will drive yourself crazy. Work the program, attend your meetings, if we keep looking back over our shoulder at the alcoholic, were going in the wrong direction.
Keep coming back, because it works if you work it. Luv, Bettina
I know that I am new here, but what do you want? What would make you happy? Do you think that you deserve better, if so, what would it take to make that happen?
