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Post Info TOPIC: I'm new, I'm scared and don't know if I"m ready for this step.


Newbie

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I'm new, I'm scared and don't know if I"m ready for this step.


I've had issues with drinking myself some years ago-was able to get it under control w/out outside help...it wasn't true alcoholism..but I binge/comfort drank after my divorce and healing from a very abusive marriage.  I spent 6 years on my own and workign on things before meeting my now bf.  

I still drink some wine or beer...on ocassion a hard drink if it's my bday or something-but it's very under control you could say.  I don't think about it, I don't despair w/out it, I can take it or leave it basically- 

Now to the bf. he has a drinking problem.  I don't know whether he's a full blown alcoholic-but he has a problem-and his problem is affecting our relationship, his life, his finances. 
I'm feeling despair and do not want my life w/out this man...who-of course when he's not overly drunk-is the most amazing man to me.  I have two kids to worry about-they dont' see him drunk luckily but if he were living with us it's likely they would-and I do not want that!!! 

I've in no uncertain terms banned jeiger because he would become more hostile and mean-never violent..but beligerant and mean....so he stopped that. Now-I've noticed his moods can get bad after just too much beer.

If it's not a grumpy/anger coming out-it's his concerned/depressed side.  He will urge me to leave him, for my good-that he's not good for anybody right now, that he loves me so deeply he cannot put me through this.  That I deserve better, that he has nothing to offer-that he's not happy with himself-that it's easy to love me but he doesn't respect himself.  He can't accept my love for him either.  This man and I have had conversations, spend time together, are very compatible physically, chemistry wise, our views on raising children, values, how much we enjoy time together, like to do the same things.

The man will always chose time with me -he literally loves being with me-and talking...no tv, no video games, no sports. Just him and I...we can hang out in my porch, we can ride in the mountains, go to the beach...we soak eachother up. We're that couple that people question-when will you marry-or "get a room" lol...you guys look so happy.  And we are....and there's the dark side, that nobody knows about-that is shameful-that is so hard to not talk to anyone because you don't trust your friends to be objective or understand the good.


Then there's the part that he gets beligerant when drinking-that sometimes you're scared to have him around family/friends because you aren't sure how he's goign to act.  That you have to convince him to give you his keys and go to bed because you refuse to let him drive home. That you have to listen to him bitch you out because you did so. To having him apologize the next day-if he remembers. To it being ignored the next time we talk and seemingly all is good-until the next time...in which he insists I need to let him go ...that I'm beautiful, that I'm the most deserving woman, that he adores me, respects me as a woman a mother, he loves the boys, and his morals are such that he can't in good concious not tell me to run because he's afraid of our lives being ruined.  part of me wants to listen-part of me can't imagine starting all over again in life-this is the only man my kids have met...he's the only man that I felt truly loved me for me-that we were both mutually in love.  I don't think I can/want to give him up-but I also know I have to do something-that I know he'll need help as well as me.

 I'm sitting here in tears....I know I have to do something-I'm not ready to let him go-I don't want to. I'm just so lost right now

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Senior Member

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Hello Overit and welcome to the MIP family, you have found the right place.

We all understand where you are . . . the desperation, pain, anger, hurt, confusion - feeling buried and lost.  Being in that place where stay or go seems like a life sentence of pain. 

We are here, and the Al-Anon program will help you with all of it.  It is a program that helps you focus on you.  It says "Come in, sit down, take a really deep breath, you don't have to do anything right now - let's just get you better first."  We surround you with love, acceptance, and no judgement - and we understand where you are right now.  We try not to give advice, but share our stories - where we were and how the program has helped us.  We recomend you go to face to face meetings is your area for even better support - but we are here for you 24/7 and have online chat meetings as well.  The literature is wonderful, we recommend you get it as soon as possible - from a meeting or online.

This program is about YOU.  You regaining some self confidence.  You regaining some peace.  You finding yourself and the strength and understanding of what you are dealing with to move forward in this situation in a healthier, less painful way . . . whichever that turns out to be.  It is based on the same 12 step program as AA and we generally get a sponsor and work the steps in our own program.  It is not required, nothing really is, but in my experience those that have worked the steps . . . well it changes their lives for the better . . . WAY better.  It is a program that gives you everything it has to give and you get to pick and choose what works for you "Take what you want and leave the rest".  Regardless of how you choose to proceed - stay here and read and share - go to meetings - work the steps - or all of the above - we are here for you.

We are so glad you are here.  Please keep coming back and sharing with us.  You just made the first step to some relief and understanding.

Tricia

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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.


~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome  your post took me down memory lane , been there done that for way too many yrs . The I dont deserve you , you deserve something better ,which ends up with me sitting and talking and bulding him up for hrs on end and loosing alittle of myself every time , finally I was able to simply say You don't have to live this way there is help for you , people who understand give him a hug and walk away leaving the problem with him where it belonged .
Love will not cure this disease , alcoholics in recovery call it  cunning , baffling and powerful ..
We are called Al-Anon family groups which for me implied that our intent is to keep families together if possible , this program is what allowed me to stay in my marriage ,I was not ready to leave and by getting the focus back on myself I was able to stay and get happy regardless of what he was doing .
We are enablers , we lie for them , we believe the lies , we make excuses for thier rotten behavior and we cover up thier mistakes we sit up all nite building them up only to find that in the morning they dont remember having the conversation at all .  sheeeeeeesh
In our program u will learn to detach from his behavior  ,  until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing is going to change .It only takes one person to change to create change and we cant wait for them to * see the light * You  need support from people who understand how u feel  and will share thier own recovery with you ,this truly is  too much for most of us .
Please find meetings for yourself , learn all u can about this disease get the focus back on yourself  call 1-888-4alanon its toll free and international they will give u the location of a local meeting in your area or a contact number .



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I came- I came to-I came to be



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1138
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Overit

Hello and welcome to MIP
In my experience when a person tells you to leave, that he is not good for you believe them they are usually telling the truth. That is probably the most loving statement he can make for you. To save yourself and your children from him and whats coming.
This is a progessive disease it only gets worse unless the person accpets they have a problem and takes the steps to recovery, only then can this disease be arrested. Notice I use the word "arrested" because there is no cut and dry cure. It is a lifelong disease and recovery is also a life long process.
I am sure he loves you as much as his disease will allow it. But know this not you or anyone or anything will come before his addiction of alcohol. This is a disease that protects itself at all costs.
I urge you to find alanon meetings in your area and start attending. No one can give you advice of wether you stay with your bf or you leave him. But if you start working the program you will hear the experiences of others in your same situation. There will be people there who understand completly what you are feeling and going through. Take what you like and leave the rest as they say. What works for one person may not work for another. But give the program a chance, work it and when you are ready to make a decision at least it will be an informed decision and one that is best for you.
Blessings in your recovery

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 4578
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This board can certainly help you.  No one is going to insist you "let go" immediately.

The al anon tools are very very good at helping no matter what the circumstances.  I hope you will join in, find out more and keep sharing.  In addition, the book listed above at the top of the page, Getting them Sober is an invaluable resource.

Maresie.

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maresie


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 895
Date:

Welcome!

Taking the step to seeking recovery for yourself does not mean that you have to let go of your relationship. There are many here who choose to stay with an alcoholic that find peace and serenity despite alcohol.

Nobody here will tell you what decision to make - it is 100 percent up to you.

So glad you are here! Alanon is for people that are bothered by someone else's drinking. You may find it helpful to look up some face to face meetings in your area to find other people that understand exactly the situation you are in. Many of us were in your exact situation when we got here. It helps to know that you are not alone.

Welcome again - hope to see lots of you.

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* White Rabbit *

I can't fix my broken mind with my broken mind.


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1744
Date:


Hi Overit,

Welcome, Your love story is so familiar to all of us, We have all succumbed to the charms of a delightful alcoholic. And they know how charming they can be. Try them sober a day and see how charming they can really be.!

You can ask for our experience with this dreadful disease, but you will have to experience and come to your own conclusions as all of us have. In one sentence you said , " I am in such despair, but I cannot give this man up, (even though he is bringing you despair?). Does that make sense to you. I dont mean to be harsh, but you already went thru an abusive marriage. It took you 6 years to heal and work on you.

I hope Alanon will be a continued effort of working on yourself. As this program is about you, its not about saving the alcoholic, or making their life better, or even saving your relationship. The Alanon tools are for you and you alone. It could get better. It depends, one never knows. I can say my life has improved immensely after 26 years with the XAH. I never wanted to leave him either , that was not my intention, but the XAH never seeked sobriety, just a few lame attempts. Im sure if he could chose not to drink, he would , but thats not for me to say. All I can control is me. Then there is the fact of your children, they will be affected by this disease, there is no consealing it. A lot for you to consider. Just take it one day at at time and and put yourself and your children first. Relationships can be built in anyway you decide, as long as there are boundaries. Keep coming back, because this program works if you work it. Wishing you strength and courage. Luv, Bettina

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Bettina


Newbie

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Thanks all for your welcome and support and kind words.  I very much appreciate it!!! Bettina...wanted to address something

"Welcome, Your love story is so familiar to all of us, We have all succumbed to the charms of a delightful alcoholic. And they know how charming they can be. Try them sober a day and see how charming they can really be.!"

I've been with him sober....he is wonderful to me- I've been with him when he has just a beer...no prob, even when he overdrinks i've been around him and he's been great.  It's sporadic.  I guess I can't really say if he is an A or not-or just using it as an escape for life right now. I know there are big things he's dealing with which I haven't addressed here (yet).  And I know many times for quite some time I didn't deal with my issues in a healthy way-but I didn't remain that way. I did get better. I did fight my demons off..I don't know if it's a certain that it will be progressive issue that will never go away...for myself and plenty other people that had temporary crutches and unhealthy coping mechanisms-we have overcome with time.

You can ask for our experience with this dreadful disease, but you will have to experience and come to your own conclusions as all of us have. In one sentence you said , " I am in such despair, but I cannot give this man up, (even though he is bringing you despair?). Does that make sense to you. I dont mean to be harsh, but you already went thru an abusive marriage. It took you 6 years to heal and work on you.

True-I think the despair I feel is out of my feelings of seeing him in pain-the despair is about him still not using healthy ways to cope about him not being able to fight his demons on his own, does that make sense? About him at times pushing me away (even if he does it for my own good). There are times it gets painful-yes....and the good times are a lot more then the bad.  Nothing in any relationship comes easy...if this wasn't a problem it could be someone who didn't accept my kids-or ignored me-or had a porn addiction, or gambling problem-or online video game addiction-or someone who had none of those and was a workaholic, or who's family hates me, or who's kid hated me, or he didn't love my kids...on and on...I've not see one relationship from from one thing or another in 99.9% of cases.  Not to say one thing is worse then the other. I know it probably sounds like a lot of excuses also, huh? I guess I"m just saying that having found someone who loves me and I love him-i'm not willing to give up the fight because I dont' know yet what will happen...it could get worse it could get better.  Time will tell-I'm not in any rush to move in with him, marry him, etc...I can leave this situation with no ties to him if I see there is no change/progress.  Does that make sense? 

Then there is the fact of your children, they will be affected by this disease, there is no consealing it. A lot for you to consider. Just take it one day at at time and and put yourself and your children first. Relationships can be built in anyway you decide, as long as there are boundaries. Keep coming back, because this program works if you work it. Wishing you strength and courage. Luv, Bettina

I appreciate that reminder..I do...and I do keep that in mind and constant prayer. I also agree one day at a  time and on boundaries...thanks so much....and I hope the program will help me. 



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