The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My recovering AH said he has gone through the Pink Cloud and is now having cravings.
He had a quite serious one on Friday although he went to the meeting earlier that evening. I noticed he was a bit irritable when he came back but I didn't ask him how he was. Instead, he told me.
I listened to him, asked him few questions where I felt appropriate but managed to detach myself. Though I couldn't help asking him whether he phoned his sponsor or other AA friends. He did but couldn't get through so he wasn't to phone anymore. At the end, I asked him to phone one more time before I went to bed. He managed to talk to one of his friends and he managed to get through that night and it was fine. But since then, he started telling me more about his cravings and it is getting a bit annoying..
I am always happy to listen to him and I know he just wants to say out loud what he's thinking but I feel that there is nothing I can do so why are you telling me this?On the other hand, I don't want him to stop telling me how he feels.
Is this because I am still trying to control him/his alcoholism?
When he tells me those things, shall I shut my mouth up (no suggestions/ask whether he talked his sponsor)?
I think I am doing better than before when it comes to detachment but one thing I am a bit confused. I don't know what to say when he comes home from his meetings. I see him before he sets off so I ask him how his day was there and then. I don't want to mind his business by asking him how it was but I feel rude not saying anything when he comes home from his meetings but can't ask him how his day was again... What do I say when he comes home?
Any experience & wise words are very much appreciated, thank you!
In early sobriety my husb and I talked more in 6 months than we had talked in yrs , when sharring this with my sponsor she reminded me to not let him make me his sponsor , I was a little angry at her at the time for saying that as i was really enjoying our talks , but i let it go . a few weeks later my husb started to talk to me about wanting to drink and I got upset * the gut stuff ya know * fear.. a few days later we were at supper and when asked what we wanted to drink my husb laughed and said 6 beer , the waitress laughed as she knew he was in recovery and left the table . I almost got sick right there and said i wanted to go home , on the drive home I knew what my sponsor was trying to tell me . When we got home i told him to never talk to me about that again as it made me sick to my stomach ,so i got the oh great cant even talk to my wife about how I feel routine .. I said no u cant not about drinking I cannot help u with that and I know it call someone who can or find a meeting and I went out the door to find one for myself . I know exactly how u feel . Louise A simple hope u had a good meeting will sufice .
In 26 years of marriage, my husband was never sober, so I cant even give you my experience with it. He never tried to speak to me about any aspect of his drinking because he was always in denial and has never tried on his own to even try to stop.
Gratefulness could be the answer. I know I would have been grateful.
I can't say I agree with the "gratefulness" of this thread..... Sounds to me like your hubby is trying to use you as his sponsor, which is a huge red flag for me..... I think your hubby needs a sponsor, and/or AA friends, to do his (necessary) emotional dumping at this stage.... I think it's seldom, if ever, wise for we (as Al-Anons) to be that sponsor....
Just my two cents Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
This is a learn as you go program I have learned. It was all new for me when I got here and then I was told that since it didn't happen over night the solution would not arrive over night either. There is no perfect way of walking this program either so allow yourself grace to at times "Get it" and other times "miss it" completely.
Yes it is his recovery and he has his own set of suggestions to follow in order to get and stay sober. If he isn't honest and willing to go to any lengths to get and stay sober he will lose it and that won't be your fault either...You haven't cause this, can't control it and won't be able to cure it. Solution for me was to listen and often say "I don't understand; because it is your recovery." "Call your sponsor" was easier and I could do that without checking up on her to see if she did. I got into my own recovery to learn how to unfocus on my alcoholic wife (my addiction) and that was my job. Stuff that was about her was hers and AA's. Recovery taught me to think on my feet and to decide when, where, how and why I should participate. This is about change of life...not just a piece of it but all of it. I was told when I first got here that there was only "one" thing I needed to change...and that was everything. I'm beyond gratitude for the program and the support. (((((hugs)))))
abbyal - I know what you are saying about talking more in your husband's early recovery. We always talked but he couldn't remember much because he was drunk so I now feel that we are finally talking properly! My husband will say the same thing as your husband if I ask him not to tell me about his cravings. I am scared to ask him not to tell me about his struggle in case he takes in a wrong way. Hope he gets bored of talking about it to me sooner than later!
Bettina & chester - in a way, I am grateful that my husband talks his feelings. He couldn't do it without drinking before..
maresie - I have Living with Sobriety but not Getting them Sober. I shall check it at my next F2F meeting.
canadianguy - it's difficult to think that he wants me to be his sponspor as he's got a sponspor who he sees every weekend. My first guess was he wants me to feel sorry for him. Then thought he may be unconciously hoping me to say "have some drinks then" because I was an enbler/a decision maker before. He may be testing me how long it will take for me to be an enbler again...
Jerry F - it's great to hear your solution because that's what I say too! It's difficult to know when I am stepping into his recovery but I shall be patient and learn. I believe Alanon works for me but I haven't been actively seeking support so that's what I should be doing: focusing on ME, not him!
Hi and thank you for your post. I have heard that only and alcholic can help an alcholic....i know I cannot relate at any level of wanting to be drunk and out of it, I just cant. I guess thats why they have AA lol...........thanks and hang in there and focus on yourself, my guess would be your H cant relate to what your dealing with either, I guess thats why there is alanon :)
I find this thread really interesting. Thanks for posting. My AH is 2 months' sober and attends AA and has a sponsor. When I read your post, I was like some of the others on here, thinking I would be grateful to hear any shred of what's going on with him and his addicition and recovery. I hear very little about that from my AH.
So when I read the other posts saying the opposite, esp. from experienced Al anon'ers, I was surprised, and it gave me food for thought. I want intimacy with him, which has been lacking during the active alcoholism, yet I am not supposed to get all tied up in what's going on with his recovery. That feels weird. I guess I need to wait for further insight from HP on that topic.
What I do now is ask "how did your meeting go?" and let him share or not share. I have only asked about cravings once, he said he didnt have cravings but he thought about it alot. I really didn't understand that. I guess it's like our obssession -- our obssession is with the A; theirs is alcohol.
Anyway, thanks for food for thought. I will try to walk a middle ground between getting all tied up in what is going on with his program and not hearing or asking anything at all about it.
DreamXL - same here, I cannot quite understand why he wants to drink so much.. I am really grateful for AA & Alanon!
Cloudsea - yes, our obsession with alcoholics.. Someone told me after F2F meeting a while ago that me asking him how his meeting was doesn't help his recovery because I am still being obsessed, not let him being responsible. That puzzled me because I am living with him so I am not quite sure what else to say except if he wants some coffee..! Please do let me know how you get on & best wishes.
Me again hehe - him talking to me about what he was learning at meetings was no problem ,,my problem was only when he talked about wanting to drink again sent me right into orbit . We have sobreity in our home for 20 yrs now the obsession has long passed for my husb but he has told me that it stayed with him for probably 7 yrs ,when ever he had a problem his first thought was the solution he used for yrs was to drink it away , but he managed to tell himself that he dosent drink anymore and stayed sober . Were never going to understand thier compulsion to drink were not alcoholic . early sobreity is difficult for everyone , my husb seemed to change every day and I used to look at him and think hmmmmm who are u going to be today ? luckily it was positive changes and it was very interesting to watch him grow and not be so involved in his stuff anymore his recovery or lack of it was his business - I have found the less I * ask * the more he shares - go figure . You will not find Getting them sober in an Al-Anon meeting it is outside literature , we have a book called Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage it is awsome talks about the drinking , sobriety and has alot of great suggestions on communication , seems that is a problem for most of us .. I highly recomend it .
Getting them Sober isn't an al anon approved book. The book is available from one of our members which is at the top of this page. Otherwise you can look online.
abbyal - I am the same, I feel really uncomfortable when my husband talks about his cravings. Otherwise, I am more than happy to hear about his recovery. 7 years of obsession out of 20 years of sobriety... At the moment, I can't imagine my hubby loses interests on drinking at all. I know (or hope) he will get there at some point so I just have to be patient. I've got Dilemma of Acloholic Marriage so I shall re-read it. Thanks for sharing your story & information!
maresie - thanks for the information! Is this book written by Toby Rice Drews?
