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Had a long talk with my AH today and it really feels, as much as I wanted to try to make things work, that it's over.
Too much water under the bridge and I feel, a lack of enthusiasm when it comes to making the huge changes that need to be made in order for out marriage to survive. All I get is "I'll do my best" which to me just isn't good enough. Best for him is not best for me.
A few weeks ago he was having some issues at work with not getting along with his boss (BIG problems with authority) and he told me they'd met and things had been turning around for the better. Today, he's telling me he may be put on 90-day probation and the last time this happened, he gave up and got fired.
I cannot let this man run my life into the ground. I am petrified to head out on my own after 22 years but I really am feeling like it's what I must do before I find myself down the road another 10 years....too late.
I just need to find the strength to get there. I have some physical limitations and the thought of having to do a huge move on my own and set myself up on my own (sure i have friends, but they can't do everything) really scares me. I have no job right now but a little cash to get me started, much of which will have to go toward paying for a long-distance move, storage, and health insurance (if I can even get it with my pre-existing condition).
I'm scared.
Some words of encouragement would really be appreciated.
I know making a plan be for me opened many doors. I found the money for another place, I found a way to move through it. I had to spend a lot of time on the plan be. Meantime the now ex A tumbled downward. I did not go with him. Nothing happened overnight. Even after I left him I still had contact for a while and I had to unentangle many many loose ends.
Wishing you a peaceful time of it. When I separated from my AH, I was petrified. I had health problems and a toddler. I can't say it's always been a walk in the park, but the greater calmness started almost immediately. I had sincerely forgotten what it was like to live without chaos and fear of what problems the drinking would bring next.
I tried to keep a stiff upper lip and not let my friends know what hard times I was going through. You might be less fearful than me about that. In retrospect, I would have been more forthright about needing help. I also was so glad to get away from the AH without major resistance that I didn't insist on a lot of things that should have been mine by right (for instance child support). At least until your divorce comes through you can keep the health insurance, I hope? Getting a good lawyer might help make sure you have as much help as the law says you're owed.
For me the worst thing was that I was petrified that I would be devastated without my H, and that I would regret leaving. To my surprise I felt better, not worse, and I have never regretted leaving for a moment. It was the right choice in my situation. So this is just to give my experience in saying that not all fears come true!
I hope you can also get to face-to-face meetings. A support system is so, so helpful. Hugs to you.
22 yrs is a long time , i was married 25 when i arrived in Al-Anon feeling like you do right now , before making any life altering decissions try this program for 6 months if thats possible you may feel entirely different then- go to as many meetings as u can find I decided to give this program a try for one yr and if things werent better than i would leave i felt i owed it to both of us to try something different , the yr came and went and there had been alot of changes in our home . I had learned to be happy regarless of what he was doing I did not want to leave my marriage either so i chose to stay my husb drank for 2 more yrs until he sought sobriety and his decission had nothing to do with me . Six months will give u time to have a plan save alittle more money and perhaps find a job so that u can be self sufficient again * which isnt a bad thing * with him or not ..as u recover your fear will start to lesson and you will know when its time to go or its okay to stay .. either way it is a win win situation for you.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I'm in the same boat.
I'm about to move into my own place. I've already signed the lease. I'm prepared to file for divorce. I'm sad, because I love my husband, but he's not ready to get sober right now. And, like you, I cannot continue to let him run my life in the ground. As it is already, he has done quite a bit of damage. We don't have to live this way - we deserve a happy life that's peaceful and serene. Not a life that's constantly in turmoil because of someone elses bad choices. I also don't want to look up 10 or 20 years later and still be in the same situation.
Definitely get a good lawyer - you may be in a better position than you think. My situation is a little different because my AH has nothing, and I have always been the breadwinner and the one who worked. We also have no children, so, that will make it easier.
You will be ok, as will I - probably better, as Mattie said. I'm sending you prayers and wishing much strength and courage for you.
I can only suggest what happened for me because that is what worked for me. Before I made any reactive decisions about what I was to do next my HP opened up the doors to the Al-Anon Family Groups to me and I went. That was my first decision. My second decision was to follow the suggestions of doing 90 meetings in 90 days before making any further decisions about anything. After 90 days my next decision was to keep coming back and then learning the steps, traditions, slogans and much of the other stuff I was being offered in the program. I started to work on what they were suggesting and not on what I was reacting to and thinking about because I was the source of my problem.
This happened by the way to be the second time I got into the program and others here have mentioned doing the same thing...First time didn't work because I was still sure I was incontrol and only she had the problem and so my problems became worse...much worse. They got worse until I was done...toast and HP noted that I was ready and did the introduction to Al-Anon for me. So simply my suggestion is go get some self focus time on yourself before a major decision. Best to get some healing time and experience, strength and hope than to run off without it because wherever you find yourself...there you'll be. (((((hugs)))))
Thanks for your heartfelt responses. While I know I can sometimes be resistant to the advice you give here, I am truly grateful for every word.
I know al-anon says not to make any decisions for the first 6 months but, I am currently trapped in a state in which I do not want to live, far away from my friends and family. I am completely alone (except for you all!). So, my plan is to apply for a job back in my hometown and if it comes through, I am going to relocate there until my husband's work contract is up in March. Once he's able to make a move of his own, we will decide if we are going to move forward together or apart. Right now, he is being completely emotionless and I feel that time part may give us the space we need to make a decision. Together, it's too tense and really unhealthy for me. He's not had a drink in a couple of months so that's not the issue and he is attending meetings, it's just our marriage needs some space.
Don't know if this is the right or wrong thing to do but short of walking away for good, I am not sure what else to do. I am hoping that 6 months of separate treatment may help. Of course, he may stop going which would mean it's well and truly over...therein, lies the true test.
I was married for 26 years too long....My experience is, I stayed too long and it was easier to stay then go.
Many times we had separated, but I kept hoping it would work and he would stop drinking. It never happened. I am 64 and separated for two years and while it has been challenging, Im ok, Ive gone thru a lot of growing in these two years alone and I have purposely not dated anyone. Its been the best healing.
If you attend Alanon and use the tools, even while separated, if he is to stop , he will, its not within your power.
Glad you are determined , it shows your ready. Nothing is written in stone. I filed for divorce two years ago and cant go thru with the finalization as of yet because of Cobra insurance. Can't be divorced yet, but thats ok.
Wishing you courage and strength and happiness, luv, Bettina
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I guess all I would say is be sure that you are doing this not as just a reaction to whatever he is doing but because it is right for you. A trial separation at least is not as final as divorce and may give you both the space you need.
I stayed in my marriage for 36 years. I can't recall when the trouble began; the early years were our best years. Slowly things began to deteriorate as he drank more and more, but I hung on with a lot of hope. I went to private counseling for many years, but I didn't attend Al-Anon meetings much.
I was more fearful of my decision to divorce, rather than be on my own. I wanted to be for certain that divorce was the right decision for me. I had some concerns about living on my own; however, but I figured I will find my way - I am. I take it one day at a time and things seem to be working out for me.
I really had to go deep within myself to find the answers. I didn't seek other's advice. I did read and contemplate numerous messages on this board.
You can do whatever is best for you. Face the fear, I know, easy to say. But really, if others can do what is right for them, why can't you? That is what I asked myself a thousand times until I finally got it.
Wishing you the best, Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I am struggling with the same situation, after 2 years of a relationship with my AH, we have been in treatment for a full 6 months, on 4 different occassions. I am struggling with the guilt that if I leave I will be another failure on their part, or that I will be a trigger for the alcholic to return to drinking.
I just can't look at him the same anymore, yet I find it hard to tell him I don't feel the way he does.
I've learned over the journey that there is no "right" or "Wrong"...just the best I can with what I have and I try to use every asset I've been given in recovery to do the best I can. I've learned how to choose toward the consequences I want and to keep my mind, heart, head and spirit open. I'm a well intentioned kinda person and can remember my early sponsor reminding me that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Making my decisions now comes with patience and reflection and past experiences both growth and not. The saving thought is that there is not such thing as perfect and only "close". I also learned that once making a decision that I am following thru on I must not look back over my shoulder to see if my "other" is following or that maybe there was something I didn't find and needed to hunt for.
Remember once you arrive at "your" solution let go...and let God. (((hugs)))
I think its great to have a plan but what if no job comes through. What do you do in the meantime. When I was leaving the ex A I pretty much took any job to try to find funds to have better choices. I stopped strategizing and worked on what I needed to do everyday. I also think that having more than one plan is critical. Right now I have both a plan a and a plan b. I work both of them and I find I feel much more secure about my future.
