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I've been separated from my AH, and have decided that I can no longer live with his disease. I've talked to an attorney about divorce, and I have signed a lease on a new place, and plan to move in a couple of weeks.
My AH called me on Friday, and asked if I could help him because he had fallen and hit his head. I drove him to the ER, and he was admitted because his blood alcohol content was well over .4 (his head was fine). I visited him in the hospital yesterday. He is detoxing in the hospital with medication because he has a history of seizures.
The problem is that he thinks that he is moving in with me in my new place. He is about to be evicted from the place he's living (he has also lost his job and his car). He called a facility yesterday to get on a waiting list to hopefully get into an inpatient rehab when he is discharged from the hospital. Then, he thinks we're getting back together. He wants to go back to school to get a Master's degree, and he was talking about all of these plans that he has. I just kind of blew it off, was pretty non-committal, then I left.
If I knew with 100% certainty that my AH would stay sober, I would stay with him. He is really a good guy, and we have a great relationship when he's sober. His disease is just so progressed and he has a history of chronic relapsing, I don't have much faith that things will be different this time - especially not after a few days of sobriety.
I always try to support him in his efforts to get clean. But, honestly, I am so sick and tired of dealing with his disease. It's one thing after another one. I'm handling it much better because of Alanon, but, his disease is such a source of constant disruption.
My AH has so many plans, but never follows through. I used to believe them, now I see what they are, and they are just words. My AH is in some major financial trouble, and when I left I worried about how he would pay his bills. It was very hard to watch him struggle since I was the one who always bailed him out. It is very hard to listen to him ask me to buy his medicine for him. He doesn't work unless he is forced to. Yet he always has the money or the ability to use. This time around when he asked me for help because he knows I have felt sorry for him and bought his medicine, I said no. This time around when he tells me that he dies a little every day when he does not see our daughter, I did not come rushing up there to see him, nor did I go to his house. I have made a promise to myself that I will never set foot in that house again. I would like to say that if your AH is anything like my AH, then he senses the fact that you are moving on, and is trying one more attempt to drag you back into his "world". One of the things my AH tries to do is make all these plans that he knows sounds really good to me, and try to get me to believe in them, like I did in the beginning,before I realized the truth. Most of what I keep getting from this wonderful MIP board is to stay strong in moving on with my life, taking all of my focus and putting it on ME and not HIM. Working the steps, coming here to vent my frustrations has been really helpful. Hope that this could help you some.
Kath's experience is mine also. My A had so many great plans for the future. Things were always going to start being great, just as soon as some crucial corner was turned. But that corner was never turned. I finally, finally learned to watch his deeds, not his words. Because I got taken in by his words so many times -- I think he because he believed them himself. And the disappointment that it never happened seemed to weigh much more heavily on me than on him.
Is the problem that you don't know what to say when he talks as if he just assumes you'll be together for this future which will supposedly be wonderful (but which you strongly suspect will not be)? Or is it that you're tempted to believe him and stop distancing yourself? I veered between the two. They require different strategies, though. But I guess what they have in common is that they both require boundaries. Those have always been such a challenge for me. But they pay off in serenity. I hope you can keep protecting yourself, and keep coming back.
Your post brings me straight back to the many choices I had to make about my own recovery. Your AH has just a small taste of being dryed out and he can at last begin to think about what he wants for his life. That is always a good thing. But also in these early days, his disease is likely to be helping him think of the right things to say so that he can get back to a safe place to keep drinking. He is not lying, he is likely not aware of it himself.
This brings us back to you. Examine your boundaries, get as close to your HP as you can and make a choice. Is your choice to say: "I love you but I will not live together with you again until you are at least x months sober"? or is your choice to say: "I love you but I am not ready to commit to living with you right now, I don't know if and when that will happen but I hope you continue on your path to sobriety for you"? or is it to say, "OK, you can live with me" but accept he may well drink when he does?
When my son is sober he always has major plans how he is going to get his life together. And his plans are certainly plausible but i finally figured out this is part of his manipulation to let us let him keep living at home. He is in jail at the moment and again he has his list of plans to get back on track... the difference this time is we told him there is no more coming home. We will halp him get in a sober living home but if he doesn't accept that help than he is on his own...with no job, no place to live etc. Of course he tried to convince us over and over how much better it would be for him to come home. But we are sticking with out boundaries. I have told him frankly the area we live in is toxic for him in early sobriety and had to admit that we too are toxic for him ( as of course in his mind no matter how we act around him it gives him an excuse to use). So for the first time in his life when he gets out of jail he is going to have to stand on his own 2 feet and he will either succeed or he will go back to using. If he goes back to using obviously the sober living house will not keep him and while it will cause us a great amount of distress and pain he will literally be on the streets or in a shelter. This was the hardest decision we have ever had to make in our life and we pray and cry over it all the time projecting the worst case senerio. But at this point we have to save ourselves as he was taking us down right with him. I think you need to set clear boundaries with your AH as hard as that is. You have to do what is right and healthy for you. Blessings
I separated from the A over two years ago. With all the activities that alcoholics do, you think they would channel all that and try to stay sober. For one full year after I separated I let go of him and got out of his way and he was drunk every minute of every day. This year he has had a few days of sobriety, thats the only time I will interact with him. A few months ago, he almost bled to death and he is back to drinking. He says he still loves me. Well, I tell him Thank You but he cant seem to figure out the ONE thing that might bring about a reunion, SOBRIETY! And even then probably not. If he was sober, we could have a relationship, but no living together. I have worked to hard for my independence and serenity from this disease. I like not having to deal with it on a daily basis.
I say if you want to be with me, you have to be sober, 24/7 and prove it, whether we are together or not. I have already lived 26 years of my life with a drunk. If my XAH's plan is to get sober that would be wonderful for him. My boundary is I will never live with him again. He is chronic and I will not take the chance.
Stopandchat, never listen to what they say, look at what they do. If he wants to go for his Masters, more power to him, but what does that have to do with him moving back with you. I say let him work his way back to you and prove he can stay sober. We have to work a recovery, why not the alcoholic?
Most important is that you keep working on you. Strength and Courage, thats what it takes. Luv, Bettina
I well understand the assumptions your A is making. I also understand being torn between supporting and rescuing. I did a lot of rescuing. The now Ex A felt supporting was not enough.
I do know that my exit unfolded out of a similar crisis, he had foxed hmself and me into a hole and I decided not to bail out this time. I know I would not have been able to do it without a lot of support. I had a counselor, I had al anon and I had various friends who helped me.
Getting them Sober (which is offered at the top of the page) has some great insights on the line between rescuing and enabling and taking care of yourself. If you don't have the boundary to say "no" right now, practice smaller boundaries for a while. No doesn't mean much to an alcoholic in direct chaos. No has to be accompanied by actions. I had to practice a lot of the al anon tools, detachment, focus on myself, not obsessing about the A, and making a plan be before I could get to the actions.
Thanks everyone for the ESH. I truly appreciate the support I receive here on this board.
I was almost sucked back in. But, he's up to his tricks already. He walked out of the hospital against medical advice, and is now trying to walk home (probably 25 miles). He's calling me to give him a ride. I will not do it.
All that can help him now is his HP. Bettina and Mattie, you're absolutely right - look at what they do, not listen to what they say. And, what he's doing is not something I can live with.
-- Edited by stopandchat on Sunday 12th of September 2010 04:51:28 PM
I truly appreciate the support I receive here on this board.