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I am standing up for what i believe in when I set boundaries with my AH. It is confusing because what I used to allow, I don't allow him to do anymore. One particular situation I am dealing with is the fact that he wants to keep our daughter while I go to school. I used to let him keep her, then I realized that he would still use even when he was watching her, because he sees nothing wrong with what he does. He practically laughs at me. I am dealing with guilt because he and his children do not see our daughter, and they are all depending on me to make the visitations happen. I am not able to do that anymore. I am letting go of that responsibility. He is very angry with me. I am a little bit afraid. My girls and I had a good time today getting our nails done, going to the park, eating out. I am really tired right now, have a messy house to clean, need to study for three tests next week, dealing with behavioral issues of my middle daughter, dealing with an almost two year old. When we were together, he told me that my children behaved terribly, and that he didn't really want his daughter raised around that. So every time my middle child throws one of her tantrums, I can just hear him saying to me what a bad parent I am and how badly I'm gonna raise our daughter. Please could someone just help me to know that what I am doing is okay. In his world, it is okay to be high all the time, and I lived with it for so long that I believed it too. Now that I am taking a stand, I am afraid because I used to think it was okay, and now I've changed my mind???!! It's okay to change my mind, isn't it? I guess I will stop now. Just really tired and need to vent, thank you.
Well, My Mom was a Mother of 3 and she was not perfect, tho she tried to be in the eyes of everyone else, and all it did was drive her to more insanity... I am the Mother of One, with 2 much older step sons, (On their own) and I can tell you that for me, my son comes 1st in my life,and I do only the best I can... There are people that tell me I am a Great Mom, and there are others that tell me that I'm to striked... And that is "Thier" opinion, and that is OK, just like you EX has his... You are not put on this earth to please all, tho in my house... I thought I was...
When I found my way to al-anon, I learned so much about how I am Human and make Mistakes and that is OK... "Who Know"... I have learned that I can't please everyone all the time, I can only do to the best of my ability...
I too use to worry about what others thought about me, and what they seen me as, because honestly, I didn't know WHO i Was when I got here... And i am Still learning the about ME just being here....
I hope that you Keep Coming back :) Keep Venting, that is how we all heal... And if by chance there is a Face to Face meeting in your Area... You will not be disappointed in giving it a try... Sometimes for me... Looking into the eyes of people that Truly get my struggles, has been a GREAT LIfe line for me, when I am Overwhelmed...
Please take what you like and leave the rest :) Friends in Recovery :)
I'll tell you what stopped me from allowing my son to go anywhere with his Dad. There was a camping trip scheduled and of course my A PROMISED he wouldn't be getting out of control. I wasn't a Alanoner at the time, mind you.
My son and husband got to the campground. Sometime while they were there my husband drank. I foolishly assumed that our son's safety was priority. He allowed to let my son ride in the back of the pick up truck while they were going to get wood. Evidently, my A was so drunk that he hit a tree, throwing our son around in the back of the truck. Thank God he didn't fly out.
That was the end. He was never allowed to go anywhere with him alone after that.
Are you wrong? Not in my eyes.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Looking back, the stuff i fed into with the exaH is almost laughable. Here he was very irresponsible and selfish, doing a lot of lying and conning, never quit using and he too would embark on these talks with me about how I could improve on MY parenting. In all fairness to him, I would be perfectly willing to doubt myself and turn my back on my own gut instincts. I was a willing player in the drama. I'm not anymore.
I have found that it is quite freeing to cut my ties with the exaH. He throws hooks constantly. It's all he knows. It's what we always did. Me hating myself was a critical factor in how we did business with one another. I don't anymore. And so his hooks don't work with me. I have found no response, to be the best response. I found that for a long time, it didn't matter what I said to him, it was never interpreted the way I had intended anyway. It was always used against me at the time, or at a later date. No response is really becoming my default and it's amazing what a difference that makes in my life and especially in the life of my beautiful son.
Believe in yourself and believe yourself. Believe your gut, your instincts and your intuition. Not responding is always an option. Protecting your child is a must. If you are scared, keep a phone on you at all times, in case you need to call 911. I learned to not turn my back on myself and it was the most valuable lesson so far.
When we come to Al Anon we usually don't know a lot about the disease and we also are so affected by the disease we cannot see the truth.
You are seeing the truth now. You know it is wrong to leave a child with anyone who is using.
Good for you. As far as kids acting up, I never knew any that didn't! What my brothers did had no affect on me. One was a real turkey too!
How dare he separate his daughter from YOUR kids. That is crazy, they are sibings whether they have the same fathers or not. I find that very hurtful and I hope he does not say that in front of the kids.
Hey good for you going back to school. I keep forgetting to say anything. I did that too, and it is very challenging. Good for you and what a great example for your kids.
Is there a support group on campus for single moms or just a parenting class? Sometimes those are great to be a part of. The college I went to had the child care right there.
I sure agree you not taking your kiddo to him ever. When addicts are using, they are insane. Plain and simple. Their brains are not working normally, that is a given.
It would be irresponsible of you to allow him to have her. Good for you for learning so much and having the courage to follow thru.
You are taking care of yourself first which allows you to take care of your children's health and well being. Absolutely noting to question yourself or feel any guilt about now or ever.
The next time your have second thoughts about your decision ask yourself this question. Would you allow your baby sitter to drink or use while your children were under his or her care?
What I see in your post is a good mother who has taken on the total responsibility of her family while continuing her education. Don't question your boundaries. Don't second guess your decisions. Always do the next right thing for yourself and your children. Continue to stay strong.
The only thing I see missing is you need a pat on the back and Big HUG.
I think you are on the right page and headed in the right direction....keep coming back...keep your thoughts on you and your kids...they as you are not perfect....we all have our own issues to deal with.
Seems to me like you are taking control back and that is a wonderful thing.
Your doing exactly the right thing protecting your children , a babysitter using you would fire in a min . good for you for taking a stand and saying enough who cares if he gets upset this is about the saftey of your children its not about him . Dont let a drug addict tell you your not a good mother - teens are a breed of thier own hehe . you will be just fine . stick to your decission . well done
