The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The dance with the ex A was a very consuming one and on many levels I will be dealing with the after effects of that dance for a long long time to come. Nevertheless, on some level with my family, friends and other people I've been on that dance all my life, its familiar I know the roles and it feels like "love" to me. The pattern, secrecy, cover up, my trying to unearth the cover up's, chaos, confrontation, then back to the dance again. Certanly there is a lot of passion, anger, sadness, confusion and shame there all very "sticky" stuff.
Unlike Dancing with the Stars I never got off the pattern and although I could acknowledge some of it I couldn't stop and take a break until I got here. Detachment allowed me to stop, focusing on myself allowed me to stop and eventually working the steps allowed me to see how familiar the pattern was to me and how I "stuck" to it.
I can see people around me in my personal and work life acting out the same dance all the time. I'm no longer hooked in, certainly I'm affected by it in many many ways. The issue now is when I'm hooked, (a) I know it (b) I can stop and (c) I don't blame myself entirely for the issues.
Maresie...was having a conversation with a younger member this afternoon that included honest awareness like this. She had a fat note book with her that showed she was doing that searching, fearless, moral inventory and I just en- couraged the heck out of her so that she will eventually find that one person she has lived her whole life with that she didn't know anything about...herself. It is really good that you bring this here for others to see also. I'm grateful and it is ongoing. ((((hugs))))
Rock on Maresie....proud of you and proud of your progress....seems to me like you finally are taking life on lifes terms....great for you.....you deserve peace and happiness....
I am in the situation now. I know I have a pattern and yet even now I can not seem to break it. All those feelings you described I feel them now and I hate it. I wish I could turn my brain off or maybe it is my heart I wish I could turn off. I keep trying to help this person even when they say they don't want my help and then I get angry. I know it is ridulous...I know this is not healthy but I cannot seem to stop and I want to...I want to stop caring, I want to stop putting myself out there to get hurt over and over again. It makes me feel horrible and worthless when I think about what I have done to help this person who is addicted to gambling. We were together for 11 years and just recently split...they want to be friends but I am having such a hard time. There is a part of me that wants to be there and another part that is disgusted looking at them. I cannot wait to get to the point you are at...I feel stuck!
For me, the most valuable tool I have learned in Al-Anon is to stop and look before I act - or even looking back at what I just did and evaluating it. Awareness. I was on auto pilot for my entire life repeating the same mistakes over and over. Now I feel I am in the driver's seat and it is nice.
I never even had control of myself. To think that I thought I could control others is kind of comical now!
Thanks for the great share.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Yeah, I understand the control issue...I need to do things that will help me, I dont have a problem with feeling good about myself...but when I am around her, she makes me feel so inadequate...so bad and yet I go and I just can't figure out why. I have to stay away from her...maybe for awhile maybe forever...I dont know but I have to take steps to make myself happy and to be around people that care for me and love me...I just have to get her out of my skin.
As a child growing up in poverty with mentally ill parents, I existed within relationships marked by rancor, volatility and envy. When I met the ex A he exhibited all those traits and it certainly felt familiar.
There was and is more than one pattern of behavior, in fact they are interlocking and marked by a lot of triggers.
