The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH voluntarily checked into an inpatient detox/rehab program today where he will be for approx the next week.
Do I dare hope he decided to do this because he found his "bottom"? He has nearly, but not completely, lost me/kids. He has not lost a job, gotten arrested, or been in a wreck. He has bumped and bruised himself falling down a few times (including yesterday pretty badly). He is severely depressed in living in a very dark place from which he escapes with the alcohol use. He kinda scared himself because he did not think he drank nearly enough yesterday for the effects he experienced and doesn't understand why that might be -- why his body seems to have not dealt with it normally yesterday. And yet he was drinking enough early this morning before going to the hospital that he was at double the legally intoxicated level at check-in mid-morning, after at least 3 hours that I am certain he was not continuing to consume. He has chosen to do this because he says nothing else has worked and he's out of options. He can't believe he has gotten to this point, and frankly neither can I.
Only a very small number of people know what's going on and I feel very isolated by it. Don't know what I want from anyone, but I really wish someone could hug me and hold me and make it all better.
Oh sweet lady, it does not matter what made him do it. It is not our business. If we base our life on why they do what they do, we will go nuts.
He is sick. He could have done it becuz he feels awful physically. Which means nothing.
I know you need a hug, I know you need to have your lives be ok. However living with an addict is very, very difficult and be it almost impossible to be ok.
BUT if you get into Al anon, go to meetings, every day if you choose to, read literature, come here, go to meetings here too, your chances are much higher at some sense of happiness.
If you focus on you and the kids not his disease, then life will be much better. Leave his addiction to him, it is his.
Canadian Guy, Tom is offereing a free book, bless his heart, "Getting Them Sober" please take advantage of this wonderful book. It was so important to my recovery. It opened my eyes to my ex AH's disease too.
The sooner you get into Al Anon the better your lives will be. A's too.
When you learn not to enable, to not get into his stuff, not clean up after him, not take his drugs, not be his mom, probabtion officer or cop, he will be a better person for it.
When we get into Al anon, the disease does not bother to try to manipulate us.
One thing we learn is detachment. We learn it is very ok to love our A yet hate the disease. We learn it is the disease that causes all the problems, all the pain not our A.
Hon I loved my A since I was 17. I almost died from the pain of HIS disease. Then was guided to Al Anon, right here at MIP. I am a better person for it today.
Sadly my AH had a brain surgery, relapsed after years of a strong program never to get back into recovery.
I have no regrets for all the precious good time I had with him, becuz of AL Anon that taught me how to live with an A.
Anyway glad you are here. Hope you can take a breath and have no expectations, Just take one day at a time.
Hard to follow with anything more to say after what lyndebi said. Very inspirational.
Just to reiterate that Alanon is a life saver literally. Hope you will attend the meetings and follow the program, it will be your light at the end of a long tunnel.
Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 10th of September 2010 11:50:29 PM
lonelywife....I'm so sorry that you've gone through all this...keep working the program.......I know what it feels like to be alone.......or lonely........sometimes i wonder if I'll ever NOT feel lonely.......good luck.....and keep working the program.
Welcome to the MIP family. I'm glad you are here, and you are not alone anymore.
It doesn't matter the reason your husband went into rehab. He has taken a huge step seeking recovery, recognizing and admitting he needs help. Every alcoholic's bottom is different. The disease is progressive and over time takes over the mind, body, and spirit of the alcoholic. There is no cure only total abstinence keeps alcoholism at bay. Be thankful your husband is reaching out for the help he needs.
Now is the time for you to put the focus on yourself and not the alcoholic in your life. You have been effected more than you can possibly realize. We become as sick or sicker than the A in our life without even knowing it. That's where the Al-Anon program comes in. The program will give you the tools that will be a tremendous help in your recovery, and show you how to take care of yourself first. The A's in our life are going to do what they are going to do. We have absolutely no control over anyone but ourselves. The question is what are we going to do?
Turn your husband over to your Higher Power and then step out of HP's way. Let the two of them deal with his disease while you seek the help and recovery you deserve.
Please keep coming back,, read prior post on the MIP site, and get involved in the local Al-Anon face to face meetings.
Welcome again, and whether you realize it or not you have found a new caring family.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 11th of September 2010 12:06:30 AM
We have no idea what anyone elses bottom is. For some is it just a moment of clarity of what they are doing with thier lives and the damage thay have cause, for others it is death....and anything and everything between those 2 spectrums. So is this your husbands bottom? who knows but it was enough to show him and make him admit he has a problem. What he does with that is up to him. Time for you to take care of you because whether he chooses recovery or not your life must go on. The question you want to ask yourself is do you want your life to go on as is or do you want to learn a way that you can live with this disease and have peace and serenity. please find some alanon meetings in your area and start your own recovery Blessings
I love the name you chose. I am a lonely wife of an AH too. As everyone else said, know that you are not alone. Just realizing that, for me, was an enourmous help.
Be grateful to your own Higher Power that your AH took the step of checking into the hospital. Some spouses pray and pray for their loved one to take such a step and he/she never does.
On the other hand, as others have said, YOU are not in charge of his recovery. That has to be his own journey. That said, I would point out that one week of treatment likely will not be enough. You may want to gather resources for him about other, longer term treatment. My AH went through a 5-week intensive outpatient treatment program. Because it met in the evening, he could keep his job. Mind you, you can't MAKE him go, but you could gather information to present to him that can give him options. Once you've done that, you have to turn it over to him.
Now, you said you felt isolated. At the beginning, I did too. I still feel lonely at times (AH is just 2 months' sober). but you don't have to be isolated. Come here, post, read others' posts and most importantly, find a face-to-face Al Anon meeting. IMO, there is no substitute.
Aloha Loney Wife...While he is in rehab my best suggestion is that you go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon and call as soon as you can. Get the times and places in your area for the face to face meetings and go first chance you get. Get to the literature table in the meeting and get as much information as you can about alcoholism so that lots of the denial and disbelief diminishes. This disease is absolutely cunning, powerful and baffling and when it gets to the point that the drinking and the family is surprised about the progression of it they need to have the information. Alcoholism is also a fatal disease. I've seen more about that than I care to from the very beginning of it in my own family and life.
I'm glad you are reaching out. Al anon can help you develop tools to deal with whatever he does. I don't know why an alcoholic drinks, certainly they drink when they feel good and they drink when they feel bad. The issue is really they don't stop when the consequences are huge. They always have a reason for drinking and we can sometimes fall in with those reasons.
I would suggest you come into al anon and allow the program to hold and care for you. There are meetings here twice a day virtually. There is also a chat room where you will always be made to feel welcome. In additon you can post here a lot. When I was really suffering I posted a lot here, still do but I'm not suffering to the same degree anymore.
There is a book on offer at the top of this page, Getting them Sober. That is a really key resource for dealing with someone who is attempting sobriety. Please think about getting a copy.
what now ?? u have 5days to find meetings and support for yourself , what your husb decides to do after detox is his decission . * I just want someone to hug me and say it will be ok * there is nothing like an Al-Anon hug * just the knowing that u are no longer alone but those hugs heal . Al-Anon does not promise to save marriages but it does promise to return sanity to our lives . For me the best way to support our husbands efforts at sobriety is to mind my own business and Al-Anon taught me how to do that . His drinking was not about you , u are not the reason he drinks I know it feels personal but it isnt - the alcoholic is not the only one who has to change we do too. I was told an alcoholic dosent have a hope in hell of staying sober going home to an old idea - I was also told that I was the old idea . so both of us had to do alot of changing we have 20 yrs of sobriety in our home and way too many positive changes to list here , is it perfect ? NO but 200 per cent better than it was . Now is the time to get your life back on track , get the focus back on yourself and your own needs as i would guess its been along time since u have thought about taking care of yourself . when we are obsessed about what is going on in someone elses life we loose ourselves . take care of you find meetings , make new friends and find out who u were truly ment to be. instead of worrying about his bottom start looking for your top. Louise
Welcome -I'm glad you found MIP. Also try some face 2 face meetings. Alanon has literally saved my sanity.
I, too, am the wife of an A. I am currently separated from him and plan to file for divorce. While I have compassion for him, I can no longer live with his disease.
No one knows why they drink, or what their bottom is. My AH is in the hospital right now after having a blood alcohol level well over .4 (not the first time), and he'll probably walk out of that hospital and start drinking again. He has lost his job, his car, will be homeless soon, and none of it seems to matter. Maybe this is his bottom, or maybe his bottom will be the grave. No one knows.
All you can do is focus on yourself. His recovery is up to him. Please, keep coming back. This program really works. It is true - there can be some peace in midst of all of the chaos. :)
