New Member - Alcoholic Father - Very Long Post - Al-Anon Family Group

MalinoisMaiden · Newbie

New Member - Alcoholic Father - Very Long Post

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Malinois,

Welcome to Alanon... I read your story and it sounds so familiar, all of us have experienced some part or all of your experience.

My XAH, was in the hospital 2 months ago, with a ruptured esophagus and stomach ulcers. He almost bled to death. Only 10% also, survive. He did just that. Dr. told him he cannot drink again or it will happen again and maybe he wont be so lucky. Only survived because of his age, hes not that old, only 56. This is not his first brush with death. Its about his 4th time. After 26 years of an alcoholic marriage I finally separated from him. I got out of his way...to either find sobriety or drink himself to death. I still hope and pray he finds sobriety, but that is up to him.

Well, 2 months later and he is drinking beer again. What is my point?? My point is we cannot control and do not have any power over their drinking. It is a compulsion even they do not understand. Unless your Father is willing to give it up, he will always be able to get a hold of alcohol somehow.

What you and your Mother can do that is positive for yourself is to attend Alanon meetings. Take the responsiblity off you and your Mother and put it with the Alcoholic where it belongs. Let the alcoholic save himself, its his disease. Alanon is about you, not the drinker...its finding a way to live no matter what the alcoholic is doing.

Please keep coming back. We are here for help and support. Luv, Bettina

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello and welcome , I am sorry for the dilema your family is facing at the moment , there is nothing u can do about your father or his drinking at the moment this disease is running his life and it will continue to run yours if you dont get some help . Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself and perhaps mom will go with you . Love him and allow him the dignity to do his life the way he chooses while u put your s back together ,when obsessing about other peoples lives we loose our own .
Alcoholism dosent care about family or people who love them it wants what it wants - to drink.
You cannot do this alone it truly is too much for most of us recovering alcoholics call it cunning baffling and powerful .
Alcoholics will do and say anything to get the focus off them selves ree: the remark he made about u upseting your mother tonite probably made u feel guilty and fearful . disease won .
Your not the reason this is happening your not the reason he drinks nothing u say or do will c ause him to drink or stop .
If love could cure alcoholism there would be no need for AA or Al-Anon or treatment centers.
we practice something here called the 3 c's We didnt cause it , We cant control it , and we cant cure it .
It only takes one person to create change in the family dynamics when one person changes others react differently and the recovery begins .
getting angry only makes u feel worse and makes him feel guilty and full of shame which by the way he already feels .
Tears dont work , threats dont work ultimatums dont work , the only thing that works is when he cant count on the family to help him, when u dont believe the lies and he is made to be responsible for his choices ,when u dont assage his guilt by arguing with him , were enablers and until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing will change .
There is always hope don't give up , find meetings learn all u can about this disease , learn to detach with love , I was told to step aside so God could get at him . I will be thinking of you and your family tonite . Louise
There is a meeting in this chat room tonite at 9 pm eastern time that will give u some idea of what u will find at a real meeting . hope u can make it .

lyndebi · ~*Service Worker*~

You have done the best thing you can for you and your family by finding Al Anon. I hope you can get to meetings here in the chat room as well as face to face ones where you live.

I found when I educated myself about the disease, I felt more compassion for the loved one with the disease of addiction.

Your father is very, very sick. He does not choose to be where he is. Maybe if you can blame the disease not him, it might make it easier for you and your family.I thought of it as brain damage, brain cancer, which in reality it is that debilitating.

Louise is so right, we cannot change anything but ourselves, but this does work!. We start to look at things so different, we come to an understanding that allows us to continue with our lives with serenity.

I understand your thinking hiding keys, taking alcohol away is a good thing. But in reality it isn't.

It can kill an alcoholic to not have their alcohol. That is why they have to go to detox for help during the process of quitting the drink. It can throw them into seizures,cause heart attacks, stroke and more.

Many will bring an A alcohol when they are unable to leave their bed or even when they are dieing. There is no judgements. It is an individual decision.

I know you and yours are hurting. Yes a HUGE per centage of us suffer digestive problems when we live with addiction in our family.

If you can get to meetings read literature, keep coming here, you may gain a new understanding, a new way to look at things. It will make life so much eaiser.

I hope you keep coming back. love,debralyn

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

What a great thing you are able to be so articulate about the complicated issues in dealing with a stage three alcoholic. Many of us who grew up in an environment where alcohol was learned to be fixer's. We learned to be hyper vigilant, take care of everyone and try to make it "right".

I would really urge you to get a hold of the book offered at the top of this page, Getting them Sober. That is a wonderful resource for dealing with an active alcoholic. Certainly there are many resouces were you can articulate your feelings, let out some of the anger and guilt and sadness about your situation. There are ACOA rooms here as well as this one. There are also meetings here twice a day.

I think its pretty normal to be angry at the alcoholic and blame them and think that you can try to control their behavior. In al anon we adopt the slogan, the three C's, we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it.

There is indeed hope for you and your family, there are many many tools you can adopt in al anon that can help you even in this incredibly desperate situation. You can see and hear them working for people here day in day out. This board is a place which can hear you, accept you, help you. I am glad you have found this place.

Welcome.

maresie.

MalinoisMaiden · Newbie

Thank you for all the kind words, i really do appreciate them and knowing there are others who understand what it is like!

I just want to say about the car keys i took away, he is not allowed to drive the car due to him being ill and i know i cannot make him change, i can however do my part to not enable him to drink. I won't let him have the chance to drive drunk or get into an accident.

I checked into the Al Anon meetings in my area and the times they are at conflict with both school/work commitments i have. However this only lasts until the end of October and i hope i can start then. I saw a therapist before for two years, really more for careers and school advice but she had recommended Alateen to me then but i refused it due to it being in a ''group'' setting.

For Maresie, can i ask what is a ''stage three alcoholic''?
I know there is not much hope left that my father will get better. He came inches to death and had the last rites performed, if that didn't give him a shake up.... what will. I always knew that for the months he was in hospital and at home recovering and couldn't drink, he never 'stopped' drinking, it was merely interrupted.

He had also asked for a bottle of whiskey when he was sick, before he went to hospital, saying he needed it as he hadn't slept. Me and my mum were shocked as it had always been a 'secret' thing, never requested or talked about drinking whiskey before. That is when she phoned the doctor to come.

I haven't spoken or seen him at all today. I know he is angry at me for taking away the car keys. He wanted to go to the shop earlier to buy groceries. Told my mum to tell me to get the keys from my brother, i refused. I said if he wanted them, he can call my brother to bring them up and either he or my mum could drive to the shop and get what was needed. The intended shop is one with no alcohol sold.
I knew this to be a perfectly reasonable solution if the goal was really about getting the groceries, of course it wasn't his goal. So, he threw a tantrum and went off to bed. I then called my brother and asked him to take me to buy the things we needed. He still wasn't happy, and i have a feeling the attempts to get alcohol and deception and guilt trips are just getting started...

I will not try and force change upon him, he is old enough (59) to make his own choices. I do feel i have a duty to myself and my mother to keep us going, us sane. I also refuse to enable his alcohol use or provide him with means to get it, for everyones safety.

What i am finding hardest is letting go emotionally, it is different for my mum even though they have been married for nearly 40 years. He is her husband, and he is my father, i will never have another one. I miss what he used to be like so much, even when he was just drinking at night and fine during the day. I miss him so much. I have pretty much felt like that since it started, but lately it has been a lot worse as i know that there isn't a lot of time left before something gives...

Sorry again for the long post... and thank you all for your advice..
I can certainly relate to people who have grown up with alcoholism wanting to be ''fixer's''.... so true.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.