The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I can't believe I am going over this same mountain, over, and over again. When will I wake up and leave him. My A had a bout again on Wed night. He came home drunk and said some horrible things to me. So horrible that whenever I think about them I tear up. Work and the Lord are my salvation and strength. I think I need to see someone to tell me why I can't leave. I have been reading about the children of A and it said that the children often loose respect for the one who stays. I think I am there as I have no communication with my son. I would love to sit down and talk to him but it is a one word answer. I have noticed that he is also a drinker...I am so down that I wish that the Lord would take my A or me home.
Sorry you are having such a tough go of things... I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, my parents split when I was 9... I don't know the age of your Son, but I do know that Speaking to them, is always best even if you don't know the words to say, sometimes all they want from you is to ask... I know for me, I wished someone would have noticed, how really screwed up in the head I was as a teen, My mom had 3 kids to raise on her own, plus she on the weekend she found herself ANOHTER A.... They have been together for 26 yrs now, and I don't really no what she gets from the relationship...
I now have a 13 yr old son myself, and the thought of what this disease could hold for his future is quite scarey with all the "A's" in my family, but I do have to keep the faith that His HP will care for him, as mine does me...
Even If your Son only gives you one word answers, maybe that is just what he feels safe with, maybe his trust has been broken and he is affraid to open up, but the more you find out about him, take interest in him, and validate your understanding of him, then maybe some of those walls will slowly be let down...
No one can give you the answer as to why, but we can be here to support you, we can pray with you, we can all grow in Recovery together when we take our Focus OFF the A... And replace his problems with our own... I know this is not easy, I have been practicing for two years now, and it does take work, but I will say this...
When I STOPPED Responding & Reacting to Everything the "A" Says, or does, and just keep my mouth shut and go on with my day, my life became easier...Even if I was so mad I could spit bullets, I would just walk away, those are not the words of the person I fell in love with... Those are words from a Diseased person, wether they feel they mean them or not, what they say is nothing more then "words"... When I didn't allow their words to have any effect on me, they quit using them, and when I stopped looking at them and how to fix them... and started to just Work on ME... My life, My Marriage, and My relationships have grown to new heights... Get yourself to a F2F Meeting, take time away from home & work and have dinner with some friends, don't ask just do.. Do something you have been wanted to do but put on hold because of your happenings or his...
We can only take baby steps and it wont happen over night, but I promise you... If you Work the program, you will find peace... it isn't easy... but it is Sooo Worth it... YOU ARE WORTH IT...
Please Keep Coming back... And Know that You are NOT Alone ...
I know it hurts when the alcoholic says outlandish things. Thats why I never entered into any conversations when he was drunk. That one took a long time to develop. Jozie is right,Their hurtful words are those of a diseased person.
If we decide to stay or cant leave the alcoholic, we must develop the tools for living our life no matter what they are doing. After 26 years, I asked him to leave. It came down to either my life or his, as I suffered a minor stroke. He definitely was not good for my health . Only you know why you can't leave. You must find this out for yourself.
It takes courage to do what we have to do for our lives. We dont have to leave to find serenity, we can do that within the four walls of our home. There are no confines for living a creative life. Keep coming back and work your program. Your HP will not leave you.
I don't know that children can be objective about their family of origin issues. Certainly anyone who works through their ACA issues knows the choices were limited. In al anon it isn't about can or can't leave, its about developing tools. I beat myself around the block about staying. I had many many reasons to stay and I saw those really reinforced when eventually I did leave. There were many valid reasons why I could not leave until I did. We are not here about stay or leave we are here about learning tools. If you stay or if you leave the tools will help you.
People assume lots of things. They assume we all can up and go at a moments notice. I am not sure everyone has the resources to do just that. One reason one al anon tool is suggested to make a plan be is to look at just what those resources are and strategize. I spent a lot of time making a plan be, it took my mind off beating myself to smithereens.
I learned weg that when I was that down, I honestly needed to make changes. It wasn't I wanted to die, I just could not live the way I was anymore.
I am asking you, what is making you stay?
Not that I wantcha to leave.
OH no, son is using. I know, for me, I had to not have my kids around it. no way. The ex ah even in his absence, caused undo pain to my son. His ignoring him, not being there to this day made my son have some sad things about him.
If he had, had to live with his bio father, I cannot imagine him being as successful as he is today.
You know only you can make that decision. I know it hurts at first when ya realize they are gone. Then for me, over time, the serenity was so major. I learned how dare he say what he said, do what he did.
We are so sick we forget that behavior is NOT right from anyone.
Aloha Weggie...One of the things that helped me let go of taking the verbal stuff personally was to identify the difference between my ALCOHOLIC and my Wife. When she wasn't drinking and/or drunk she was sweet and such a positive person in my life. When she drank of course she was drunk and also into the guilt, shame, remorse and lack of control she struggled with having. Those that they love become the easiest target often because they know they are being loved while it is going on.
I also remember a former sponsor asking me, "so you do let words hurt you huh?... they are only words." That was hard to understand from the start because I had always let unkinds words from family and others hurt me. The part I had to get was the "letting" part. "Nothing has the power to hurt my spirit without my permission". One of the many gems this program produces.
Get to the face to face meetings and practice not letting it. ((((hugs))))
