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Hello Mip, it's been one month since our 19 year old son left our home, we have had intermitten contact with him,and his life now, is a far cry from the one he left us for, he's dirty, drunk and and has taken a few beatings the last few weeks, he tells us though he is happy, he has had his phone stolen from him by his so called friends, and has no job, and he is now living in a third place, people that know us and think they know him, contact us and ask that we do something?
As far as we can see there is not much lower a person can sink, we try not to talk at him when we meet, just let him talk to us and we listen, we want him home and safe, but he has to live within our boundaries, he is proud that people have given him clothes, he has loads here, we tell him constantly we love him and miss him, whne people ask him what are you doing living this life when you have a good family, he says, he doesn't know how to change, I truly believe that he doesn't know how, I have suspected for some time there was maybe more going on with him, with his pain threshhold and other problems we have had with him over the years, this is a vulnerable child in a cruel world he is being abused and putting himself in danger, we don't know what to do!
What I do Katy is pray that he/they be allowed the grace and miracles I have been allowed and then I remember the surrender it took and the willingness to turn myself over to the program. The I can't, God can, I'll let him of the three steps and then the steps beyond. It took another alcoholic to get my alcoholic wife sober...some thing I could never do. My first addict wife is still at it and the family is still falling apart tragically as a result. We are here doing what you and your family are doing listening and loving and accepting the reality of the insanity. My daughter in law just called from the mainland after escaping to her family of origin because this family is so broken and blaming her; and it is broken for sure. She did what I did when it got so insane and I knew it wouldn't stop (It hasn't); I stopped and walked after getting a prescription to divorce. Pray always and let HP do the directing. I pray your son bumps into another recovering alcoholic who will tell him his own story...what it was like, what he learned in recovery and what it is like now. I've seen that work most often so I will pray that.
Stay within what you are doing and accept. (((((hugs)))))
It's a constant head and heart battle here, my head is saying this is tough love, this will give him hope, I know it's the only way, it came down to this when nothing else worked, it feels like detaching with love because we have stepped down from the nagging and arguing faze, and it appears other people are now echoing the same message that we have always tried to convey to him, it's taken me a long long time to allow myself to let him go, thankyou for the reasurance, I respect and value your strength and wisdom, bless you.
I'm sorry to hear this is happening....it may be helpful to try to see if he has other mental health issues...sometimes treating these can help the substance abuse...in the meantime, I think you are doing all you can...keep working the program, talk with substance abuse counselers...keep gathering information...something may help.
I remember.... I had to have my son leave too. One of the hardest things I ever had to do.
For some reason many boys/men need us to do this.
Sounds like he is getting his basic needs met, he is smart enough to know he does not want to live with in your boundaries. Smart enough to get his alcohol.
So far he is getting in touch with you. He learned his friends are not his friends. He is getting lots of life lessons. We can hope he gets enough that he will grow.
I would have to be hard to have people you know asking you for help. Maybe what they need is permission from you, to tell him, "sorry you need to go."
My son has a tendancy towards depression. Can be a bit bi polar too. But I tell ya, he hs thrived and shined since he went out on his own. He is super independant, asks me for nothing.
I do sneak and give him stuff sometimes....(o: My daughter too. They are 34 and 35 now.
We need to give them a chance to feel things. Maybe he will get hungry, maybe he will get hurt. But you are giving him a chance to see that he can figure things out for himself.
When we don't do this, we never allow them to feel their own power, their own strengths.
He can walk into AA same as he walks to find a place to stay or buy alchohol. Someone might see him and offer him some direction. There are shelters, there are food banks, clinics etc.
You are good parents to allow him to try his own wings. YES the world is a horrible place, have faith he will find resources and survive.
Sending you hope and faith, debilyn I sure hope you keep coming back and keeping us updated
