The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in Al-Anon for over a year and I just finished my 4th step in "Paths to Recovery". I will be starting in the "BluePrint for Progress" this week.
What I need help on is seeing my Self-Pity... I did not think I had it, but I am finding I do. I can not see it clearly YET... I know whinning is a symptom. I HAVE THAT. Can you please tell me more about symptoms of self pity?
My husband committed suicide 3.5 years ago, and I do not have self pity, my sponsor will agree with me... I also don't see my self as a victim... But I have it in other forms... Again I can not see the picture yet. I would like any help you could give me.
Welcome , I am so sorry for your loss .. self pity is tricky and hard to recognise for me i think its attached to envy , when i start thinking about what I DONT have I am in big trouble - when i find myself looking at others and judging them that is a red flag for me I am slipping and obviously ignoring what is going on with me . its always easier to fix other people . In any relationship I have learned to accept whats offered and make it enough , always wanting more and not appreciating what I had is another flag for me self pity for me is not too far behind ..when i live in gratitude there is no room for self pity in my life . I will be anxious to see what other responses u get to this post .. because like what i said in the beggining its a tricky thing for me .. Louise
Self pity sneaks up on me usually. When I find myself making statements (especially statments that I'm just thinking in my head, not necessarily saying out loud) that contain the words "always" and "never" (usually along the lines of "he NEVER does nice things for me the way I do for him" or "she ALWAYS treats me like that"), I know I'm slipping into self pity and I need to get to a meeting pronto.
For me, the words "always" and "never" are dangerous - they signify a slip back into all or nothing thinking, which is a place I have learned in my recovery to stay away from.
Aloha Gail...a NoCal family member...Yay...found the door to Al-Anon somewhat south in Fresno but was just reminising this morning how the program was much stronger than my denial then and kept knocking my denial door off it's hinges.
Cunning, Powerful and Baffling are descriptions that help me to be patient and willing and committed to my recovery. I learned to keep focused so that when realities came I wouldn't miss them as often. I am by far an Al-Anon Nazi so I can keep an open mind and still have fun in recovery which means that I was able to learn that the subject of Self Pity did pertain to me and not on the same level as it did with other members. My isolating character was partly attached to self pity. My defensive nature was part of self pity. My anger and rage were big indicators of it. My reactive sympathy and patronization of others and my coming to instant defense of them was also an indication of my self pity. My fixing of others of course is tap root to self pity. I wouldn't identify and react if I didn't experience what they were going thru. Only one of the pieces of evidence of my self pity was the explosive reaction I had in a theater to the movie "Mommy Dearest". That reaction put me to work on a deep investigation of my early childhood growing up within the culture of alcoholism stuffing my feelings and thoughts in favor of the comfort of others.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I know for me self pity can come in comparing my life to others. The thoughts can also come in wondering what it would be like to have a functional family, real spouse, sisters who are not drunk all the time....
I have to be very careful where my mind roams. Even this last weekend one of my neighbors who is a florist did a wedding for some incredibly rich couple. The flowers were very exotic. I could not appreciate them I could just see what I didn't have and probably won't have.
I'm so impressed you are working a program and have sought out a sponsor. Good for you!
