The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've complained enough about the wife and I guess I don't have to "make everyone understand"....so how about me? What are my flaws, issues and negative characteristics????
I have to be careful here because as my therapist points out, I'm really good at beating myself up...but I think I can do this objectively.
1. I lack patience, especially with myself, and that results in bad mood, cursing (I'm prettty good about not doing this when daughter is within earshot, but sometimes...) and overall having a tantrum (sometimes silently, other times not) when i get frustrated. Very childlike, I have to honestly say.
2. I have a bit of a lazy streak.....like my deck work....I'm no carpenter and can't blame myself for lack of skill...but there are times I should redo things and I dont'...I just don't want to bother so I leave something that's mediocre.
3. I manage time poorly....I have a tendency to wait to the last minute to do stuff I don't want to do..procrastinate in other words. This results in my "being late to my own funeral" alot.
4. I don't alway treat myself well physically...I was overweight for the last 8 years, recently lost 35 pounds and would like to lose 10-15 more to be at a good healthy weight for me. I often stay up late "recreating", playing video games, watching movies etc. and not getting enough rest. I put off doctor visits for stuff that though not serious, worsens because I neglect it (my knee has hurt me for over a year...I'm finally going to an ortho). I'm eating better and exercising more now, but haven't for about a week because I'm too tired after a few hours on the deck. I have to put this first.
5. I've always been "self absorded"...not "selfish" in that I do care about others and their feelings and such...but if I'm into something I can just not notice someone elses mood, or problems or anything and I can give the impression of not caring.
6. My anxiety can get the better of me and cause me to panic at times. Not good for my daughter to see and it's happened more than once.
7. My depression can get rough...never totally debilitating but it sucks the happiness and life out of me sometimes....taking meds and therapy, helps so far.
8. If i'm not "into something" i can give it a pretty half A$$ed effort...this happens on my job alot....luckily my mediocre efforts seem to be just enough to get the job done and not cause me or anyone else problems...but I have the sense I'm depriving my students of my best effort.
9. I can be a little sloppy myself......as much as I criticize the wife for this, I've been known to leave things out.....I'm sure not a neat freak....but I never let it get to the point where it gets in anyone's way...but still, I could do much better with this.
10. I walk around thinking everyone else is better than me or has it better. Small wonder but I do myself a disservice.....my therapist has commented that I "distract myself from being happy"....this also causes me to be envious, or desperate for attention.....
11. I talk too much...I've been told that I'll talk someone's ear off and not notice that they are getting bored (sort of like I'm doing now...LOL).
12. I put women on a pedestal if I like them, then feel unworthy of them.....now I'm married now so it's not much of an issue but when I was dating...oh boy. No wonder I had problems dating...and may again if I'm ever single...I probably come across as desperate and certainly lacking self confidence. Issue with physical intimacy as well. My wife is right that I never really tried to fix this...of course after a while I had no incentive...but still.....I just let it go.
13. I spend too much time fantasizing about things and not doing anything to make it happen...or waste time on a ridiculous fantasy.
14. I don't take good care of my physical appearance...not that I dress like a bum, but I give little thought to how I look sometimes.
I guess that's all for now...I know there is more but I cant' think of them at the moment.
Just occured to me...is this a fearless moral inventory????
Aloha Yankee...it was an inventory like yours that solidly convinced me that I needed help from outside of myself and if I didn't get it the outcome would be unacceptable. I started interviewing sponsors. I couldn't do the program with the same brain that got me there. Good inventory. ((((hugs))))
Wow what would make one want to write out all this crap about oneself?
I am with Jerry.
I would like to see you find a good male therapist. Men and women were created different for a reason.
Again you know this could all NOT be true! For some reason, we as humans have this voice in our heads that loves to put ourselves down. It is NOT necessary. I do not give anyone, including me permission to tear me apart.
Another way to look at a situation is to change it. When wife gets home, "hi honey how did your day go? ignore anything negative.
Sounds like you may be an at home dad?
I made chicken and dumplings for dinner and got some cinnamon rolls from the bakery.
Want to make a salad with me? Get daughter in there too.
If she is pooped, bring her a cup of tea.
Use a broom, sweep all her stuff into one area, preferably a closet. When she needs it, she will know where to look.
Make it clear you have noticed people feel better when others are not complaining, so you are going to work on only being positive. Ask for a boundary of hey you know, I feel pretty uncomfortable when someone critiques me or tells me I am doing something wrong. I don't want to hear it.
Set boundaries, stand up and demand respect and be specific how.
Show you don't want the family to split up, as you have made it clear you do not. Include your wife in things, all sit and fold cloths, all go for a walk. All sit and make a grocery list together. Hey if we all decide on what food we get, it would feel good to make a meal and eat together. YOu said yourself she wanted that.
Not taking anything not giving anything but respect makes changes. YOU have to change YOU. Maybe she hates her job, maybe she is longing for you to be an assertive man, who cares enough to tell her to knock it off and please be a friend to you.
Clean up the house together, make up a chore chart for who does what and when. Schedule family time. look into family challenge adventures. Where you all go somewhere and have to work together to make it.
Look into counseling that involves all of you. From what you have shared, your wife is scared to death you are going to take her child away from her. Your family is so sick, all that seems to come out is sick.
It is worth getting some guidance. You sound like a genuinely nice person who tends to go to people who say what you want to hear. Which makes total sense now that you have shared this today.
NO oh she will do this or no she will do that. I would invite you to FIGHT for your daughter, for her family. Start small, honey I put your cloths in the wash and did all our wash, then get a movie going, all sit and fold together.
Include her. I feel a HUGE amount of heaviness in your home. sadness, frustration, emotional abuse, starvation of affection and genuine friendship.
I honestly believe YOU can change that being the head of the house. NOT the boss, but someone has to be a catalyst.
I would have LOVED it if my husband had had some gumption and tried. It was easier to slink away to mommys.
After this communication, I feel I like you even more. You are so willing to share.
This is inviting you to do a lot, but this is your family, your life. what are you willing to do to change things and make them better instead of dragging thru this poop with your daughter and wife rotting in the sickness of it?
I believe in you. If anything, which is huge, get some literature on friendship. learn to develop a friendship with your wife again.
i would love to be your family counselor. I honestly believe you guys are just sick, not over. In this world it is no wonder things get so messed up! I would love to see your family thrive. I can tell you right now too, your daughter needs her mom, and when she goes thru puberty, she will need her all the more.
Better to do your best to heal things than to be in limbo. Also when she can choose, she may not choose any of you adults who messed up her life. She has so many options at about thirteen fourteen, running away, staying at friends, doing drugs, and on and on. Don't say no no that won't happen. Right now that is exactly what the outcome is from what you describe.
Hope you know how much I care. I have been on here geez almost ten years. Certain people touch me more than others. For some reason you guys stand out.
(((MJHYankees))) You are awfully hard on yourself. We all have flaws; mentally, physically, emotionally. I would like to suggest that you focus on the positives. The others have written some very good ES&H. I hope that you find some peace within yourself.
Surprised at the replies...this is a legit list...I dont' feel horrible because I have some faults but, these are areas that I need to work on ....admittedly some are more important than others....what the fearless and moral inventory anyway? I can make a list of my good qualities, I mean I'm well aware that:
1. I'm the kindest, gentlest person I know.....I care for others and never want to do anything to hurt in anyway...I don't even like playing a joke on someone.
2. I've got some musical talent....it's unfocused at the moment but I have a great ear and ability to learn an instrument. Trying to focus on guitar for now.
3. I'm very intelligent and can hang with any intellectual conversation.
4. I'm also able to mix and converse with many different types of people.
5. I'm reliable, extremely so.
6. I'm loving and nurturing.
7. I'm very responsible
8. I'm honest
9. I'm not afraid to try things....like the deck...yeah, I get down on myself when it doesn't work out but I'm now 2/3 to 3/4 done....I've persisted
10. Which is another trait....terrier like persistence with the one caveat that it has to be worth the effort.
11. I have courage
12. I'm not stubborn, I can listen to all sorts of advice, process it, analyze it then act accordingly. I doesn't mean I'll do what someone says...only if it sounds like abetter idea than I had.
13. I love to learn new things
14. I'm able to look at myself and make changes where needed.
Again I could go on, but this is off the top of my head.
I could make that exact list ( except putting women on a pedestal lol ). You have also made a great list of good qualities good for you. To tell the truth I have been putting off my own step 4 work because all I can see is the negatives and in Step 4 we must remember our positives. It helps I think to work the steps in order ( at least for me ) cause it makes more sense to me that way. As each step leads and prepares me for the next. Great job on listing your positives Blessings
