The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in Alanon for a few 24 hours. The A and I were doing "the deal" together at one point, but, at some point she turned her back on AA and has been "white knuckling" it for more than two years now. As the disease is progressive so is the behavior without active recovery.
She has given me her excuse why she doesn't go anymore which I never asked for and it makes no sense to me, go figure.
I love her so very much but the things that we once had in common are going away one at a time and I can't do anything about that. It hurts very much to see our relationship withering away. I have to make sure of my motives for staying as we have seperated twice already with that decision being soley hers, I never asked her to leave but it is her MO when the going is too tough. We reconciled both times, and I set boundaries in place. They have been trompled over and over again. "I'm sorry" followed by no action means nothing to me. An amend is followed by rigorously making efforts to not repeat my harmful hurtful behavior and meaning the "I'm sorry" is showing it in my actions. I don't get that from my A and I just don't know if I can keep going on with the nasty, negative, hurtful behavior that doesn't change.
I have made a pro and con list for this relationship which is hurtful to see the results. I don't want to feel like I have just thrown in the towel but I really don't think I have, I have done all MY footwork, I can't save our relationship by myself. Living with the passive-agressive behavior has become more than I can handle. I'm so tired of hurting and having to dive deep into my program to find solice from the hurt.
My goodness you sound like me. I have the added dimension of being somewhat trapped (explain another time) but I do know the more I do for myself and my recovery the better off I'll be. Keep working the program or start if you're not.
Sorry your hurting... its tough to love an alcoholic.
Your brand new in Alanon and only 24 hours at that. I would recommend going too as many Alanon meetings as you can. Immerse yourself. It will really give you the relief you need.
I didnt know that Alcoholism was a disease 26 years ago. I didnt know that it would or could affect me in the ways that it did. I didnt know that I would become sick myself and that it would grab on to me and try to bring me down with the Alcoholic. The disease is baffling, cunning and it lies.
Alanon is here for you, providing you with tools to serenity and dignity. Also, you can come and share anytime what you are going thru. We here have walked in your shoes.
Keep coming back. The program and the tools will work for you if you commit to it. Luv, Bettina
Truer words were never spoken. My A-sober BF has just recently gotten back into his program properly (his words) meaning not just meetings but getting a sponsor and starting step work again as well. Before this he didn't take a drink but only hit a meeting sporadically at best and "white-knuckling" it. It's rough. Even now with him in his program it's rough b/c as I see some old patterns of him surface I think the worst and arguments ensue. I keep reminding myself to worry about ME, do things for ME and that the only person I can truly change is myself.
I can relate to you about the things in common slipping away. I remember in the beginning before he really slid out of even going to meetings and before I bore the brunt of any of his tirades how much fun we had. We laughed, had so many interests, and just so much fun most times doing nothing. And now we barely talk and can't remember last time we laughed just because. It's heart breaking. I really feel for you and know what you're going through. Just keep working on you and practice detachment (I have a hard time with this one--also being a codependant myself) Someone in here once told me imagine my A with "SICK" tattooed on him and realize he is just that. another piece of advice that really worked for me was to remember he is battling a disease, you wouldn't scream and yell and beg and threaten cancer, you would be compassionate and caring and empathetic to their needs and moods so I need to do the same with the A. it's a tall order for sure.
I'm hoping i can work things out with my A. I hope that he continues to work on himself. I am working on myself and maybe we will be able to then restore what we had. Don't be sad you have to "Dive into your program" rather embrace it and know that this program, it's steps, it's wisdom and all the great people here is what will help us get to the next level. We take ourselves wherever we go, even if we don't stay with our A's, we are learning things that will benefit in the future no matter where we end up.
hugs my friend. you're in the best place
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
Aloha CP...you've been around a few 24 hours and you know recovery, know that you know recovery and may be right at that door named "courage to change the things that I can." If there is one thing "Noners" can do it's carry hope to the extreem that I never let go or once letting go I snatch it back in an instant. One of the many things I learned in Al-Anon was "love was also in allowing the alcoholic the dignity of her choices and to step away. I learned to step away for the right reasons; my own peace of mind and serenity and to rebuild a relationship with a Higher Power greater than my alcoholic wife." I had to admit I was an interference in her sobriety and she was a justification against my own and needed to redirect my efforts to be vertically aligned. I had the truth of "Love cannot exist without some dimension of justice" firmly implanted in my recovering thinking level. It will always be true for me.
You know that you know and now you gotta do toward healthier consequences. Your spirit is at sake. In support....(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 9th of September 2010 03:16:40 PM
Thank you all for your words of hope and love, I truly appreciate it. The one big problem I have is when I continue to do what I need to for me, the A voices how she feels left out of my life because I never spend any time with her. I don't know how to respond in those situations, I am going to meetings, I am involved in service work, I am involved in church, involved in my 15 yr old son and high school band. I do have a full life but she chooses not to do anything but sit at home and that isn't my fault but I can't say that to her because that would be harmful or hurtful to say wouldn't it?
I work on the computer a lot too, I do the churches newsletter, involved in a convention etc... and I am constantly questioned when I'm on the computer, "what are you doing" and she calls me a addict.
I just don't understand, if you love someone why do you intentionally hurt them that way.
I sometimes feel like I'm starting all over again and I guess I am, every day.
Step 1: I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable
Will it ever be manageable, if I stay in this environment and keep trying am I wasting my energy.
I pray everyday for God to guide me in the right direction. To bless this decision I have to make or block it, I know he will show me in no uncertain terms what I am to do.
Sanity, I will pray for you and please know you are doing the right things for your life.
If the A doesnt want to get help for his addiction, there is nothing you can do about it. Be strong like you are and do not falter. Stick with your HP, it is showing you your on the right path. We are never on the right path when we follow the addict. That path will only show us hurt, pain, sorrow and regret.
You will be shown what you should do and you will know when it is right for you. They recommend doing the program for awhile before you make any decisions.
You said she "chooses" to sit home and then complains about being ignored. It seems you are "choosing" to have a life, while she is "choosing" not to. Please don't feel bad about having a full life. You aren't responsible for hers.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you Christy, I really needed to hear that from another Alanon member doing this deal for a few more 24 hours than me.
I pray everyday that she finds the rooms of AA again. I have heard in open AA meetings, "don't leave before the miracle happens" but I think that I have seen my miracle and I may not get to see hers, I just don't know.
