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She's coming home from school (taking classes) and calls me. I'm cooking eggplant for dinner, my daughter requested it. My wife says "we had eggplant last week, I don't want it again (???)!" She then asks me to order out for her at applebees and she'll pick it up....so, I don't really care at this point and I order it for her and forget to order the french fries ( i was in the middle of mowing the lawn when she called and then washed up to make dinner). She calls and says: "you forgot the french fries didn't you"...as respond..."oh...I did forget I'm sor......." and she hangs up the phone on me (a weekly occurence at least). She then calls back 20 minutes later..."lets go watch the sunset"....I'm still in the middle of cooking the eggplant so I say I can't. She comes home and the list of complaints starts...."that's the second time you screwed up my order this week (the other time the restaurant screwed it up but I didn't unpack everything to make sure they did it right). She then starts complaining that our daughter is watching TV. Yeah I agreed that we should limit TV time, but she'd not watched all day and had been watching a DVD with me of "speed racer". My daughter was looking forward to watching while we eat (a habit my wife started and encouraged) and on this night I was ok with it. The wife wasn't...she glared at my daughter and announced "we're eating at the table so you cant' watch that!" My daughter looks at me incredulously....I simply say "mommy wants to be together at the table...we'll watch this later." At the table she starts the list of all the things my daughter didn't do correctly. My daughter rolls her eyes at me (out of sight of the wife) and eats as fast as she can to get away from the table. Meanwhile, the complaints against me start again "you hit the buttons on the dishwasher too hard, you'll break it"..."there's some strange sound coming from the dishwasher (there was)...what did you do to it"....and on and on and on. Tonight I ignored her totally going so far as to respond to her talking of another subject...because my daughter was in control as well and basically ignoring her I didn't start a fight, which will happen if I interject at any of the points mentioned above. I feel it's worth it to protect my daughter when I can see she's being hurt by the remarks. But she hates it when we fight so for tonight, I avoided it.
I can't stand my wife when she gets like this (which is more often than not)...and this was not a major issue...she's really gone off the deep end at other times. I know this sounds harsh but I've lost all respect and sympathy toward her. The first 5-7 years of marriage (12 now) I did all I could to help her, suggesting therapy, alanon ("who wants to sit around listening to other people talk about their problems" was her response)and she even tried some but it never lasted...I never pushed it but in those first 5-7 years she was willing to admit she was in pain and wanted to change that. Now there is total denial that there is anything wrong. Except for me of course...I'm the cause of all her unhappiness because we have no sex life.
I really wish she'd just leave and never come back...it'd hurt me daughter short term but in the long run we'd all benefit.
I enjoy reading your posts and can related. Please keep coming back and do your best to get to F2F meetings. From what I just read it sounds like you do a WHOLE LOT for her? Only to get disapproval. What have you done for yourself today? and why isn't she doing things she can do for herself? (i.e Calling for dinner for example)
I totally agree with Goodtillitsbad regarding letting your wife do things for herself. Initially, it was a scary concept with me, as I didn't have faith that the A in my life could pick up and do for himself. Oh my!- he gave me a hard time about it, too! Now, he is doing some things for himself and I feel 'lighter' for not having the that burden.
Having and maintaining healthy boundaries regarding my daughter has been a rocky road. However, it is progress, not perfection. Children are a parent's best reward and their greatest challenge.
Suffering is universal. My A blames me for his unhappiness and all that goes wrong, as well. Thanks to alanon, I have reached a point where I can pray for him.
As they have told me here at MIP, it is a whole lot about her and not enough about you. What are you doing for yourself and your daughter? Cooking sounds great! Watching a movie sounds great! If she wants Applebee's why can't she take care of the order herself? If she doesn't like the way you use the dishwasher why can't she take that responsibility?
I know it is hard. They say we get what we tolerate.
In support, Nancy
-- Edited by nmike on Wednesday 8th of September 2010 10:39:06 PM
Getting mixed messages from your posts. Last post you said this doesn't happen very often, only twice a month. Yet today, there are issues.
Thinking your giving the wife too much power over you. Your thinking your saving your daughter when actually your hurting her. Sooner or later your daughter will have to deal with your wife. You cant protect her forever. You could be hurting their relationship.
Don't you think that it would be really a good idea for you to live in the solutions instead of the problems. Are you ready to live like this for lets say another few years. Can you do it.?
I agree with Good, why cant she order her own dinner? Why are you so available for her?
She's coming home from school (taking classes) and calls me. I'm cooking eggplant for dinner, my daughter requested it. My wife says "we had eggplant last week, I don't want it again (???)!" She then asks me to order out for her at applebees and she'll pick it up....so, I don't really care at this point and I order it for her and forget to order the french fries ( i was in the middle of mowing the lawn when she called and then washed up to make dinner). She calls and says: "you forgot the french fries didn't you"...as respond..."oh...I did forget I'm sor......." and she hangs up the phone on me (a weekly occurence at least). She then calls back 20 minutes later..."lets go watch the sunset"....I'm still in the middle of cooking the eggplant so I say I can't. She comes home and the list of complaints starts...."that's the second time you screwed up my order this week (the other time the restaurant screwed it up but I didn't unpack everything to make sure they did it right). She then starts complaining that our daughter is watching TV. Yeah I agreed that we should limit TV time, but she'd not watched all day and had been watching a DVD with me of "speed racer". My daughter was looking forward to watching while we eat (a habit my wife started and encouraged) and on this night I was ok with it. The wife wasn't...she glared at my daughter and announced "we're eating at the table so you cant' watch that!" My daughter looks at me incredulously....I simply say "mommy wants to be together at the table...we'll watch this later." At the table she starts the list of all the things my daughter didn't do correctly. My daughter rolls her eyes at me (out of sight of the wife) and eats as fast as she can to get away from the table. Meanwhile, the complaints against me start again "you hit the buttons on the dishwasher too hard, you'll break it"..."there's some strange sound coming from the dishwasher (there was)...what did you do to it"....and on and on and on. Tonight I ignored her totally going so far as to respond to her talking of another subject...because my daughter was in control as well and basically ignoring her I didn't start a fight, which will happen if I interject at any of the points mentioned above. I feel it's worth it to protect my daughter when I can see she's being hurt by the remarks. But she hates it when we fight so for tonight, I avoided it.
I can't stand my wife when she gets like this (which is more often than not)...and this was not a major issue...she's really gone off the deep end at other times. I know this sounds harsh but I've lost all respect and sympathy toward her. The first 5-7 years of marriage (12 now) I did all I could to help her, suggesting therapy, alanon ("who wants to sit around listening to other people talk about their problems" was her response)and she even tried some but it never lasted...I never pushed it but in those first 5-7 years she was willing to admit she was in pain and wanted to change that. Now there is total denial that there is anything wrong. Except for me of course...I'm the cause of all her unhappiness because we have no sex life.
I really wish she'd just leave and never come back...it'd hurt me daughter short term but in the long run we'd all benefit.
I think we must be twins! I totally feel everything your saying... This is almost the exact same way my day went w/ my AH of 12 years. Tonight i told him that he needed to leave or else I would. SO now I'm computing from a hotel room w/ the kids.... I know I can't stay in a hotel forever, but at least I have time to think about what I want and what is best for me and the kids. And right now I don't think I want to see him or hear from him ever again. I just can't keep on living stressed out. My daughter responds the same way to being picked on by my AH. That relationship is already ruined. She has no respect for him and is embarrassed to be around him. I feel that in the long run without him, we'd all benefit too.
Holy smokes!! You must be a saint. There's no way I could handle all that complaining without offering a large cup of shut the hell up! Yeesh!!
I think sometimes people get in that mode and don't really hear themselves. I also agree that it seems there is stuff you are taking on that she is perfectly able to do for herself (especially since you don't seem to do it right, according to her). The phone call she made to tell you to order her food, could have just as easily have been made by her to Applebee's instead. You may want to think about saying "no" ..and "OK, you do it so it's right". In a sense you have been inviting this behavior by playing in to it and allowing it and the disrespect. It's kind of like letting a spoiled, screamng kid have their way so they will shut up. I suppose we've all tolerated something like it in some form.
It seems by what you've said she has a huge control issue....and you kind of go along with it to prevent WWIII. I learned to detach in Alanon, but I also learned boundaries that were put in place to protect me. Many of them aren't just specific to alcoholics but to family, friends or anyone else that attempts to cross them. Everyone loses their temper now and then, but to have someone consistantly talk down to me or complain about how I do things just wouldn't fly.
I certainly don't mind doing kind things for my husband, but let him expect me to do it, or tell me to do it, or complain about how I did it, and he has a problem. You notice I said "he" has a problem..because it surely would not be mine.
Also, one of the many tactics I used to free myself from any arguing or if I just didn't like the behavior, was to simply "leave". It makes it real clear that you refuse to be talked to in that manner. You and your daughter might go for a walk or ride bikes, etc. Gather up dinner and have an impromptu picnic. Your daughter would surely appreciate time with you instead of mental abuse.
There is lots of action you can take. Your wife is not going to be happy, but it doesn't seem like she is anyway. By taking your power back, you are also showing your daughter what behavior is to be tolerated and what is not. You certainly wouldn't want her to accept that from a boyfriend or husband...or anyone for that matter.
It never has to be done with disrespect either. Say what you mean, but don't say it mean. A simple statement using "I", instead of the accusatory "you" is always best. Even if it's "I won't listen to this", it's better then... "you" can't shut your mouth, so I'm leaving.
She may change, or she may leave..who knows, but it's worth a try.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
"Suffice it to say my wife is a dry drunk as well as an ACA. She exhibits all the behaviors of an alcoholic"
Hi, I went back to your first post and read them, as well as your responses to others.
This was posted as your second post to the group.
Not that I want to focus on the A, I don't, I want to make it clear, one can be an A, but not use and does display all the wonderful symptoms of being A.
Saying this as it was also written, more than once ,my wife is not A.
What matters is you and your daughter.
When we live with an A, we live with an insane person, I am talking one who is not on a program of recovery. Whether they use a drug or not is no matter. Take away a ducks grain, he is still a duck.
In al anon we learn to look our our SELF. NOT the A and their disease bolony. IF we choose to live with them, yes choose, we then either are made extemely sicker and sicker each day of our life, or we dive into a recovery program of our own to do our best to keep sane living with them.
Yes choice, even if the choice is less money, less stuff, less food, etc, it is a choice.
For me the serenity of my child came first. NO way was I going to allow that demon A behavior around my kids. They feel it, know it, swallow it MORE than we do. We are adults, our coping sklls are usually more mature.
If your wife is aca, then what does that make daughter?
Everything an adult feels when they suffer from living with a non recovery A, a child is so much more damaged. They brains and hearts are forming, they are learning what a person has to put up with, broken dreams, unenjoyable family, marriage is loveless, no cooperation, constantly being put down, never doing anything right and on and on.
This all leads to horrible, horrible mental diseases in people.
I read with my heart all the posts that you posted, and your responses. You sound like a genuinely nice person who is doing their best. But my question is, are these choices you are making healthy? You say five years, in five years your child will be approximately fourteen to fifteen years old. Beleive me, by then, the damage will be so much worse.
Would living in a home, that is happy, light, no complaining, no attacking your or your childs person, good food eaten with a calm tummy, smiling, laughter, mellowness, no apprehension, no hate, no wishing someone would not come home....be nice?
How nice would it be if it was two big rooms you rent in a house with others? There are options to living in a horrible situation that are better.
Don't tell me I don't know. I lived in a barn for a year instead of living with the crap I had in my life. If I had a kid home, I would have done the same. It was a sunroom, clean safe, but very small. But it was warm, serene, cute and happy.
The people who rented my house on the property so I would not lose my place had a little girl. She was seven.
Her dad is a prescription drug addict, mom the perfect enabler.
You know where she spent her time the next two years? yes with me over in my one room and with me and the animals.
I have no idea how to make a situation as bad as you describe work. Honestly if it were just me, i might do this.
Make boundaries. ex. I will be treated with respect. I will make dinner for home. I will not be making any special pickups for dinner.
I will be spoken to with respect, as an adult, will not accept being scolded or my life being put down.
How much poop are you willing to swallow? All the therapy, the exercise, books, whatever are not going to do a thing if we do not have self respect and love our self enough NOT to allow others to abuse us?
When this child is treated like it has been shared, that is abuse, it is breaking her heart. For a child to make faces etc behind a persons back allowing the other parent to see it, is a sign of HUGE problems.
It is like the child and parent are against the other parent. That is not right. The child is learning coping mechanisms that only tear the kid up.
We are not taught how to handle the situations we find we are in. That is a huge reason we have groups. We share what we feel, how we live and hope others will care enough to open up and share back.
I honestly share this out of love for you and your daughter. I see a very HUGE chance you can make changes that will save her and you.
As far as the A, when we "take" what you are taking, that is called enabling. We are allowing another to abuse us, kill our hearts, take our lives away. It is NOT good for this person doing it either.
If your wife, I call her that lightly, got well and looked back at how you allowed her to treat you, how would she feel?
She has no respect for you, I would have no respect for someone who bowed down and took abuse either. As far as intimacy, that is lost. How can there be any when to her you are a whipping post. In many ways when we take abuse, especially as adults, we are just as responsible.
What happened to one facing them and saying."HEY! that is enough! Either I am spoken to with respect or do not speak to me!" NO I will not get your meals, are your arms broken?
The disease has you by the well you know the rest. It is thriving and getting stronger. You yourself said you have nothing to have gratitude for. How about finally standing up and demanding you and your daughter deserve a home not a prison, you deserve happiness, calmness, serenity.
NO more confusion, no more conflict.
Said in complete love, my experience, I would not say this if I did not have HIGH respect for you and your efforts. I know you can take it. I know you can make things better.
Wow a lot of mixed feelings here, but there is a consistency in the replies.
First of all let me make it clear, in a divorce I and my daughter would be screwed....I've spoken to an attorney recently and in the past to a gentlemen I work with who works in family court. Bottom line, unless I can show physical abuse to my daughter, abandonment or a drug or alcohol problem (none of which is happening), there would be shared custody...my wife would not give up custody...so this would mean that 3-4 days I week I wouldn't be with my daughter and she'd be alone with the wife without any support. At 9 she's too young to cope with that IMO and my therapist agrees with me...believe me if I could get full custody and limit the wife to occasional visits I'd do that in a heart beat. Throw in the fact that I'd lose half my pension, have to pay maintenance most likely according to the lawyer, and possibly child support (even if we share custody?????) and I'd be crippled financially in order to live by myself and leave my daughter alone 3-4 days a week...not happening...I need to be there for her. In response to someone who said I may be hurting the relationship between my wife and daughter...no doubt my wife would agree. But when she threatens divorce, gives us the silent treatment or just a typical night as I described...., all in front of my daughter, ...she's already damaged the relationship herself. My daughter has at times asked me to take her somewhere and said "I don't want mommy to come".....to me that says everything. This was a fairly typical night...although some nights are better than this...and I said that 1-2x per month is when she blows up and gets really abusive verbally. Last night was "mild" compared to those nights.
Yes, I do try to get her to do things for herself, I didn't see ordering her dinner as a big deal, but yes...I do feel like I'm being set up....so I'm more likely in the future to tell her to do it herself.
Did I mention she's a slob as well? The house is littered with her stuff...putting things away is not in her vocabulary...now you could make a case that I shouldn't pick up after her, but at the same time I dont' want my daughter to live in a pigsty.....My wife will often spill something on the floor and not bother to clean it up, or tell me "I'll do it in a minute", which is code for never. I'm sorry but I can't live like that and don't want my daughter to either, so I do a lot of cleaning up....there are reasons I shouldn't, I know, but there are reasons I should as well...
I'm in therapy and program to try to manage as best I can for the next few years. I'm hoping it helps me and my daughter...I'm also considering getting her into counseling (daughter)...I hesitate because my wife, while actually supporting the idea at times (she does love me daughter I don't doubt that...she just separate her own crap from her relationship with her), another time she actually said to my daughter "Daddy wants you to go to therapy because he wants you to be taken away from me"....dont' think my daughter won't remember that either. I have to do it, but it's going to be tricky.
-- Edited by mjhyankees on Thursday 9th of September 2010 09:01:19 AM
I have to say Lyndebi hit it on the head. It's funny how when things are that in your face, it is hard to see. But it is very true. When my AH was in rehab, I did a lot of thinking and I have come to the same conclusions. I treated my AH with disdain, disrespect, and a loathing when he was actively drinking. He retaliated by drinking more and more. Vicious cycle. We don't do that anymore. We try to respect each others space, be polite, and respect each other. I have told my AH I will never enable him in any way again. I was truly enabling him to death. The choices are tough and all are a lot of work and total rethinking, but can be done. Whether you stay or go, some things are going to have to change one way or the other.
If what you said about custody is true and if it would be intolerable for you to allow your daughter to be with your wife alone in a joint custody situation (both big "ifs" that you need to be sure about), it appears that your only option is to stay and to use Al Anon to achieve more serenity for yourself while you protect your daughter.
I don't envy your situation, but it sounds like you need to make a decision to stay or go "just for today" and whatever that decision for today is, you need to use the skills Al Anon gives you to enhance your own life while still dealing with a difficult situation.
Oh, and you are NOT a short order cook. If you make dinner and she doesn't like what you are making, she either doesn't eat that night or gets something for herself. This is our rule for our kids and they are 10 & 14!
That could mean your daughter could get four days with out living in a very abusive home. What do you think is happening when it is seven days a week????
My father was out of town three days a week. It was so nice to get a break. NOT becuz he was abusive, it was the fact my mother and daddy had cold wars. No talking no nothing. Plus he smoked in the house. The tension I felt made me have constant digestive problems I suffer to this day.
What is failing to be realized is at least you and daughter would have a home.
Does it make sense to live in a bad situation all of your childs childhood? Or give her some peace when you can? Considering your wife works, honestly does not seem to care much about her child, chances are you will have the child more than you think. Do you honestly believe when the daughter says,"I want to be with daddy." That mom would want her around?
We cannot see the future, we need to work on NOW. We need to be courageous to change what we can. I do not know this therapist, but to allow this to go on and not support a good home for you and daughter is criminal.
Your shares do not reflect two times per month. Besides, you share you never want her home, wish she would just go away.
As far as her habits, you are choosing to live there, so accept it or leave. We cannot change certain things. If we choose to clean up anothers mess, then do it and accept it.
As far as a pigsty, pigs are cleaner than humans believe me, cleaner than dogs and cats too. I have two housepigs who are angels and diligently clean. (o:
No pig is as dirty as a human.
Hey you called her a drunk. Your shares of her show a perfect example of a dry drunk.
That does not matter anyway. What matters is what are YOU willing to do.
You just shared how she told her daughter you wanted her to go to therapy to get her away from mommy! omg do you SEE this?
We have to remember when we live with this kind of insanity, we become so very sick. We don't even see what is right in front of us.
What about her having a home, away from this insanity half the time, half the time not hearing all this poison does not get into your heart????
She is absorbing like a sponge. At least in her own home, around good people she would glean some positive things.
Ok there is a mean spirited neighbor next door, this person is always putting your daughter down, telling her lies, telling her daddy wants to take you away from me, are you going to allow it?
Are you going to allow your daughter to be around this person every single day? What makes it different that it is this daughters MOTHER? This makes it a million times worse. What is making it that you are not willing to provide a serene home that she will be able to come to, a relief a sanctuary?
no abandonment???? This child feels totally abandoned by her mother. Just a bio parents body there does not make it she is there.
What it all boils down to is what are you willing to do to make sure this child has a safe, loving environment to be able to have a chance to blossom.
What is happening is toxic, not healthy.The point is you are NOT there for her. You are keeping her in an environment of unhealthy circumstances. Your being there only reinforces that this kind of behavior is ok. If it wasn't you would make changes.
I know when my mother decided to separate from my daddy, the relief was immediate. NO more cold wars, no more walking on eggshells. We went to this tiny little house, but I remember how calm it was. Mine got back together and it was great. BUt that respite always rings in me.
We tend to do anything than to face change. Even if it is better. Just the fact that you are missing the fact she would finally have a calm home, be able to relax, know when she is with mom she has a home to go back to would be wonderful.
If your wife is not as bad as you seem to share, paradox there, then it is possibly with out you there, things could be better for them. Maybe your daughter and her could develop something they have NO chance to with your hovering over her, siding with her. That is not normal parent behavior!
I know it is tough to read this stuff. i am only offering my experience. I was blessed to work with kids k -21 for 18 years. I KNOW what they told me, I saw the results of exactly what you describe. It is up to you to accept or not accept it.
I can tell you right now, as she grows, she won't see you as protecting her, she will see you as the enemy who kept her in that environment.
Thanks everyone....I dont' know maybe I'm trying to hard to get people to understand my situation....maybe I shouldn't do that...but this is what I have to work with. To whoever said it was an "if"....It would be joint custody with my daughter, no doubt, given the laws here. In fact I'd be in danger of not getting custody at all, or not custodial custody....she may be given to my wife...there's a lot of "the kid's better off with their mother"...stuff in my state...and I know because I've seen it happen to people I know, and I've talked to people in the field. Unless something happens that is viewed as endangering my daughter, I have zero chance at full custody.
I'm hanging in there...i take my daughter out or find her playdates as much as possible. She also has two loving grandma's so I make sure she spends regular time with them. I'm going to try to get her into therapy...I feel like if I dont' at least try I'll be kicking myself forever. And I'll look forward to and I guess be grateful(??!!??) those nights when the wife is calmer and not so critical...they do occur a few times a week. I'd say she's critical about 50% of the time, and blows up 1-2 times monthly. In between we walk on eggshells.
I'm good at avoiding the traps to start fights, with the price being having to "take it"...but yes I've fought when I thought it was important, like when she was harassing my daughter for having bruises on her legs (she's supposed to be "more careful"???!!!???), that was a major fight which resulted in her throwing all my clothes out of the closet and into the guest room....of course all in front of my daughter.
I could go on and on, but I'm trapped for now...really I am, unless I walk out on my daughter....but in a few years my daughter can legally choose where she wants to live and if she chooses mom, at least she'll be old enough to start to set her own boundaries, call me to pick her up, walk out etc. Basically fend for herself. I walk a tricky tightrope of trying not to "turn" my daughter against her mom, or undermining my wife as a parent, and at the same time protect my daughter from unnecessary and inappropriate criticism and support her views of when things are not right, or "mommy isn't being fair (or nice, or polite, or whatever). this is my life...yes I have things to be grateful for as I've posted and if I'm very clever I minimize alot of this stuff...but it's draining.
Okay MJ I will apologize in advance if my response is a but harsh for you....but in reading your posts so many red flags popped into my head it was incredible. First of all I truly understand you are staying with your wife in order to be available for your daughter at all times. That being said I would like to point out that I am not sure your actions are helping your daughter at all. Your daughter was promised she could watch a DVD while watching dinner, wife comes home and decides she doesn't like that idea so everyones plans has to change to bow to your wifes wishes and you didn't stick up for your daughter. How about saying " this has already been planned but you are welcome to eat at the table or you can join us?" Hmm cause this will cause a confrontation. Well, your wife can yell and scream about it all she wants while you detach from that behavior and eat and watch the DVD with your daughter. At least you will have stuck up for your daughter. Then wife berates daughter all through dinner, your daughter rolls her eyes at you but again you don't stck up for your daughter cause you don't want the confrontaion. If this is a typical night at your house what your daughter is learning is you are a doormat. Whatever mommy says goes, neither she or you have a voice. She is way to young to sitck up for herself she is counting on you and you aren't answering her silent pleas for help. So have you ever heard " like mother like daughter"? I am telling you right now if you do not find a voice for you and your daughter this is what your daughter is going to learn. She is going to learn right from her mommy if she behaves like her she will get what ever she wants out of you. In a few years your daughter will be acting just like your wife... as much as she may love you her female role model is mommy... so soon she to will be ordering you around, having fits to get her way because you have shown her over and over again that, that works. She will also resent you because you didn't fight for her. I imagine your wifes self esteem is pretty low which is why she feels the need to downgrade you and your daughter and if you let that continue thats where your daughters self esteem is going to be too. And when she is old enough she will find a man like you who is kind and gentle but easily manipulated and the cycle will repeat itself. These things I can guarentee you. If you don't start changing your behavior and stand up for yourself and your daughter things will get worse before they ever get better if they ever get better. Setting boudaries with your wife is an absolute nessasity. Don't do for her what she can do for herself including ordering her dinner. If you want to clean up after her start getting ready to be cleaning up after your daughter too as she learns how to manipulate you. Yes, as you change your wife will make a scene, throw a fit etc, doesn't mean you have to add to it. When she does these things those are the times you take yourself and your daughter into another room or leave the house for a while. You do not and should not engage her in her behavior. As you change your wife will have to change her tactics so be ready for that but stick to your boundaries. Really right now it is your daughter I am concerned with as you are an adult and have the ability to make your own choices, your daughter does not. At the very least get your daughter into therapy wether your wife likes it or not. Give her someone to feel safe talking to and someone who can help her work through issues. Do it now while she is young. What I am saying is take a stand, stop being your wifes doormat and don't be afraid to say NO. But please please get your daughter some help.
Xeno, that wasn't harsh and you are absolutely right....the problem I have is that my daughter hates when we fight and begs me not to. But what I'm hearing you say is that I can stick up for my daughter without fighting. I have been doing better at these kinds of things lately, but it's something I'm still learning to do. My daughter is already sloppy...I make her clean up when I can...but she often says..."why do I have to clean up and mommy doesn't"......tough to answer but I usually say..."it's not fair that mommy does that and i dont' want you to be like that". I also engage her in helping me straighten up the house to...I'm hoping that creates good habits, but I know it's not good to make her clean up after my wife...but like I said, living in a mess I feel is damaging to her (again she already is getting into that habit because she sees it every day). I hear you...thanks....I may need to hear this numerous times to get it to be consistent in my actions.
Why can't I be sloppy mommy is, why can't i make fun of people, mommy does, why can't I put you down mommy does....
I am only pointing out what came to my mind when I read again. You have made your decision to stay and raise your child in this environment.
so next time a sign says wet paint, you touch it and get paint on yourself, don't complain.
To live in the situations we do, we choose it. We then pray to learn skills to do so with grace.
going from the new post, I say get those negative thoughts out of your head.
When you hear that voice saying I am a slob, I am lazy, I am whatever you put on that huge list, I suggest and invite you to say STOP! in your head and say i am ok just how I am.
Your lack of self worth is NOT good for your child either.
I see you as willing to get help and take all kinds of thoughts,You love your kiddo to a fault. you are stubborn to a fault putting up with anothers poison against you.
hey you started a deck that is courageous when you are no expert! I wish you would throw away all that negative talk in your head and only allow good stuff!
With my own well-being in mind, I really had to decide for myself if financial security was worth the emotional and mental abuse I went through with my AH.
In the long run, the answer was a resounding "NO". I came to a point where I'd be willing to cut my losses just so I could be free of living with the abuse.
It's hard to say what would happen with your daughter. What messages might you be sending her now? It's okay to tolerate abusive behavior in a relationship? Feel sorry for daddy because he doesn't like how mommy behaves, either? This might be something worth exploring with your counselor.
Again, I'd love to leave now, even though I'd be ruined financially...but it would mean leaving my daughter alone with wife 4 days or so a week. I will not get full custody of her, I've been told that by a lawyer and others in the family court...my wife won't give up custody and it would not be awarded to me unless my wife gets physically abusive.....unfortunately the courts usually don't want to dig that hard to find out who's psychologically better for the child. It's got to be up front and obvious or else it's joint custody. I'd love to leave but I AM NOT LEAVING MY DAUGHTER BEHIND. As far as being pushed around, I fight back when it's a good timing but I have no intention of letting my daughter grow up in a battle ground (ironically that's how I grew up...fights literally every night and Dad's drinking changing his personality through it all. I do need to find out how not to be bullied, without causing WW3 either.....
There's no need to let your daughter grow up in a battleground. You don't have to attend the fight. You can, as I said above, leave, go for a walk, go to a different room etc. It's not always convenient but we teach people how to treat us. If in one of her fits, you gather your daughter and walk out the door..what does that say to your wife? It says "I refuse to hear your rant".
I agree with Xeno about what could have been a better choice per your daughter watching the DVD/eating. Your wife could have joined or ate alone...period. Going back on your word so she could get her way IS teaching her how to treat you.
You said you wish she would just leave..She will hate you standing up to her, she will have lost control of you. She may just get mad enough to leave on her own. If she loses control and begins throwing things, that's when you call 911. "She" will be endangering other people and you will have a police report..
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
