The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Intimacy in a marriage with an alcoholic husband...aaaahhhh! He's rarely able and when he is, he expects me to hop to it. I view him as another child in my household, not even a man, much less a sexually attractive man. I'm here for my children. I've worked through a lot via Alanon, but don't know how to handle this issue. Help, please.
tough one.....I lost interest in sex with my wife as well.....too much chaos and drama to really feel toward her. I just cant' do it......there may be the occasional time when I'm in the mood but it's few and far between...besides she was never interested unless it was her idea anyway.
Resentments and expectations truly be a damper on intimacy with an A.
Much of my love and compassions were buried under anger for a long time. During many of the years he was active, it seemed like his entire emotional level was wiped out. In addition, he was very mean and hurtful.
Only after I started working on my anger, resentments, and expectations did I feel that I could start detaching with love. Only now do I see that I did not accept him during those years. I am still working on these things now.
No one can over-emphasize that this is a powerful, cunning, and baffling disease that destroys unless recovery is practiced!
sexual intimacy with an alcoholic is so complex...
I can only give you my experience with it.
It was great in the beginning of our marriage. But as the drinking progressed, sex life was nil and difficult. I was not in the mood, who is attracted to a drunk. I would think only another drunk. Into the 10th year of our marriage, I refused to have sex. The alcoholic was always out , many nites and sometimes didnt come home, saying he was drinking in his truck and fell asleep. Wasnt taking any chances and I just stopped. He also said he couldnt because of his drinking. It was a lie. He was having an off again on again affair with another woman, for 15 years. He had a children with this woman, unexpectedly, twins, it caused him to have a heart attack from the stress of it. This happened 5 years ago. I was very suprised as he led me to believe he could not have sex.
Everyone has different experiences with their alcoholic. Not every alcoholic is a cheater, I can only speak for me. I was really thrown. I was glad that I listened to my instincts and stop having the sex. Im sure there were other women.
All kinds of stuff interfere with intimacy. Sometimes the only intimacy is a foot or shoulder rub and a calm two sided communication...Lots of times there is deep love without sex. (((hugs)))
I think it's pretty simple. You become like a parent to your A spouse (or at least I did). For me it skews that entire side of the relationship. I can't be your mom/carer and be your lover. And the obvious: There's a lot of pain and it's hard to have meaningful intimacy with someone who has hurt you so much.
For now, while we are both in the early stages of recovery, we have agreed to put intimacy on the back burner and not give each other a hard time about it. No pressure, it's just not possible right now. We're hoping with time and work, just like the rest of our relationship, if it's meant to be, it will be.
What a great question! And thank you for raising such a personal issue that many might be afraid to broach.
Like others here, my AH filled me with revulsion -- yes, revulsion -- when he was drunk. When he wasn't drunk, the anger & resentments were still there. Revulsion and resentment do not make much space for intimacy -- emotional or physical.
Yet, here is the kicker (and proof of my codependent nature), we kept up our physical intimicay anyway. Or, that is to say, I agreed to when he wanted to. I hoped it would make us closer or calm the demons he was dealing with. It didn't.
Now that he is 2 months sober and I too am in recovery, I do not agree to be intimate unless I feel the necessary closeness or am in the mood myself. I would encourage you to establish boundaries that protect YOU and your mental health, and that includes for sex,. My boundary is not to do it for him or even for us but only when I am emotionally able to.
-- Edited by Cloudsea on Thursday 9th of September 2010 10:31:52 AM
-- Edited by Cloudsea on Thursday 9th of September 2010 10:32:49 AM
I dont think that an arguement is foreplay. I also dont think that making up is.
The selfishness of an active alcoholic and the resultent anger of a partner is not a formula for romance. However romance is a formula for intamacy.
Kindness, caring, friendship, sharing, conversation, and showing ones love by example are a base for romance. The unavailability of an alcoholic is counter to the aforementioned.
Even a sincere hug is such a rejouvinating act if someone is emotionaly available.
My AH and I had a wonderful sex life - during periods of sobriety. Very intimate and passionate. I am very attracted to him when he's sober. I guess I'm able to separate the man from the alcoholism when he's clean when it comes to that. However, when he's drinking, I am so disgusted by him there is NO chance.
Has anyone had any experience with an alcoholic who hasn't worked a program for a number of years and now that they are back into it full force, don't want any sort of intimacy whatsoever? That's what's happening for me, my wife is about 2 months into her rediscovery of the AA program after 5 years of doing nothing and has no time for intimacy (not talking sex, just simply holding hands or even a hug would be great).
She says she shutdown 5 years ago because she was affraid I was going to leave her (I feel guilty because I used to threaten that when in the heat of an arguement) and now she's "guarded" with me. I have started the Al-Anon program about a week ago, I've been very hopeful that if I can get myself right that the relationship might stand a chance but I don't know. She shared in our Couples in Recovery group that she was in a relationship with someone who doesn't "get her" not really sure what she means by that. I asked her tonight if she has fallen out of love with me, and I never got an answer she just asked what I meant by that. I told her that we didn't hold hands anymore or anything close to connecting on an emotional level. She just said that she had to work on her first. So I will just keep working on me and if it doesn't work out at least I'll be healthier if I decide to get into another relationship (hope it does come to that, but she isn't capable of answering any "heavy" questions, as she puts it right now.
Sorry to ramble on, didn't mean to hijack this thread.
