The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've had some time to absorb the latest hurt of the exaH being that he decided he would no longer have anything to do with our son. On one hand this is painful and left me distraught for a period of time. Now, I wonder if it isn't for the better right now?
Since this time I feel nothing but compassion and sorrow for exaH. I pray for him often as it is my only sensible option when he enters my mind. I send him love and light. I know that this disease is winning and it pains my heart. But I choose not to participate. Without a doubt I hate this disease and I hate what it has done to my exaH and my family. But it is finally time for Rora to confidently move forward with her own life and head in a direction that makes sense for me. I accept that I am powerless.
Wont that be a consequence your AH will have to face in the future. One day when your son grows up and faces his Father. Isnt that between the both of them.
I know it hurts, but were you pushing for answers from him?. With an A, they can change their minds from day to day. I think its an issue that is good to let go of and it appears you have.
That is the right choice, accepting you are powerless. My XAH, has a grown son from his first marriage, he hasnt been involved in his life since he was a child. He is a grown man, they have had a few conversations, but the son's uncle brought him up, he is an Attorney today and doesnt drink. If he would have been under the A;s influence who knows how he would have turned out. The XAH also has a set of twins, they are 5 now, he had them with a woman he had an affair with. He is not in their lives either. She has moved on and probably has a new boyfriend or husband. Alcoholics do not make the best Fathers. Thats the hard facts.
Its good to have compassion for the Alcoholic. Its better to have compassion for yourself and treat yourself the best you can. Looks like your on the right path by moving forward as you say. I wish you happiness and serenity. Luv, Bettina
Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you're doing the right things for yourself.
Bettina is right - alcoholics/addicts do not make the best fathers. My father was a drug addict and I never really knew him. My AH's father (who is an A) walked out on his wife and 3 kids and they did not even hear from him for 5 years. My AH has a 6 year old son from his first marriage. He's a great father - when he is there. The problem is that he is in and out of his son's life because he's drunk more than he is not. His son is now old enough to know what's going on and he's asking "is daddy still drinking, because I miss my daddy." So, which is worse? I'm thinking the constant in and out and inconsistency. No child should ever have to ask those types of questions.
Kudos to you for taking the steps to move on with your life.
I love your compassion and I too came to the same conclusion, it is for the best.
I raised my daughter by myself and she is now 18. He showed up a couple of times and I never said no to his desire to be a father - he just never took it. I protected her from it - she knew nothing of him until she was 18.
I am very grateful it turned out like it did. It is sad that he lost out on so much with her, she is a wonderful human being. But it is what it is.
Thanks for sharing. Good luck!
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
It is very hard to face. However you are right, we have no control over certain aspects of life.
It is sad your sons father is suffering from a horribly kind of insanity. He has no idea what he is doing or saying, no idea of the deep insensitivity of it all.
A's have no self love, they have no idea what love is. They have no idea what responsibility is either.
An A who is not in recovery is another kind of human being who has NO idea the pain you feel, and the pain you feel for your beautiful son.
I hope you can instill in your son how sick his father is. That as you act he will be comforted as best as he can be. If you don't put him down, cry about it complain etc. then your son will be healthier for it.
His father could have a brain tumor and be thinking like this. It is not his fault. He did not in any healthy mind decide he was going to abandon his son and you.
We in our minds can in no way understand the way an A feels.
We cannot take the place of a father in their lives either. for me I had to be a strong mom. Boys grow up around older boys who are mean. I had to face some pretty awful boys when my son was growing up. The police were no help. they suggested more than once to get my sons father to take those bad boys into the alley and beat the H out of them. nice huh?
I had to set up a strong foundation for my kids. I was a widow. Their father was killed in an accident. sons bio dad, like your sons dad.
Your attitude is so good, not mean or disgusted or judging. Your son will be well.
We never know what the future will bring. And yes it is between them. My son does not want me to even talk about AH. He has no use for him, does not want any excuses. He does not believe him being A has anything to do with anything. Which in truth it doesn't
There are A dads who are A, active A's who still see their kids.So for us to say, they are A is not the answer.
Your answer was so perfect, it is between them. We can only protect our kiddos so much. I still find myself trying to and mine are 34 and 35!
You have detached and believe that it is the disease causing your AH to be so mean.
Sadly the love and light for me went away too. I have no love for the EX Ah that walks the earth, in prison, parasiting off a host woman. My AH died when they took the brain tumor out of his head.
I am ok with this. Just feel nothing. finally.
Keep coming back. love,debilyn happy you found some serenity
When we accept life on life's terms we are able to move forward and live our life. Recovery is about taking back our lives and living the life we so richly deserve. You are an excellent example of that. You have an amazing heart & wonderful soul. I'm glad you are part of this family. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
