The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've posted a couple of times before. ABF went to detox a few months ago. When he got back, he moved in with his friend. He didn't follow up with any outpatient treatment, AA meetings, nothing. So, of course, he went right back to drinking. I lived my life, had my sister and her friends come to visit. He was pissed off that I was "movig on so easily" with my life. What else was I supposed to do?
Anyway, he continued to live with his friend, until his friend (and pretty much ALL of his friends) got fed up with his drinking and abusive behavior. He lived in his car for a while. A co-worker of his, who is a recovering alcoholic of 23 years, tried to help him. I also told him that I will support his attempts at sobriety, but that I will not have him in my daughter's and my life as long as he's an active alcoholic.
Two and a half weeks ago, he finally decided to go back to detox, and wanted to do at least 30 days in rehab. He made some real progress there, dealing with issues he never dealt with before. I was somewhat hopeful, but kept my guard up. Unfortunately, his insurance company made him leave after a week and a half. They wouldn't cover any further treatment. He and his counselor and psychiatrist begged for him to stay, to no avail. So he came back last Saturday. I told him he could stay with me, as long as he was working his program. But I made it clear that, with my daughter coming home from summer at her dad's the next day, he would be out if he started drinking again.
He went to the counseling center on Monday. Everything was supposed to be all set up, according to the rehab facility. Well the counseling service told him they were busy and may be able to get to him in a day or two. He went off the rails. He was trying so hard to get help, and people kept turning him away.
Last Monday, it was an ugly scene. He was drunk and in his car. I pulled my car in front of his so he couldn't go driving around, endangering others' lives and his own. I asked him to get in my car and I would take him to the hospital. He refused, kept saying things that had me really concerned for his welfare. I gave him one last chance to go to the hospital. Again, he refused, said he didn't care anymore. He was very bitter and his attitude scared me. I told him I was going to call the police and tell him I was concerned he was a danger to himself. He said, "Do whatever you want."
So I called the cops, explained the situation, told them that he's a threat only to himself and needs help. They came, fed me a bunch of lies about how they'd get him help. Then he pulled out a knife that he always carries in his pocket, and held it to his neck. That vision will be burned in my brain forever. I went inside to console my poor daughter. While I was inside, the cops tazed him twice. They took him to the hospital to clean up the bleeding tazer marks and the scrapes he got when they threw him on the ground and against his car. I assumed they'd send him to inpatient care, as the cops had promised. I was okay with him hating me forever for calling the cops if he got the help he's been looking for.
Well, Tuesday, he knocks on my door at 5PM to get some of his stuff. I couldn't believe it. They just let him go. They had also thrown him in jail and charged him with disorderly conduct. He went to court Wednesday and wasn granted a continuance, b/c he wants to consult counsel.
Meanwhile, he's done nothing to get any kind of outpatient care all week. He claims he's been trying to get into counseling, but I can't believe, after what happened Monday, that they won't take him. He hasn't talked to his boss, so his job is probably gone. He was going to go to the hospital on Friday, but we had a storm coming and he claimed he didn't want to leave my daughter and I alone, and that he'd go on Saturday.
Well, Saturday, he sat in his car drinking all day. Same thing Sunday. Same thing today. Says he's scared.
So I'm just done. I've done everything I can to support him, but he has to help himself. I need to focus on the work I've been doing on myself and rely on my own higher power. I need to take care of my daughter. I don't know where he is tonight, and I no longer care. I'm angry. I'm hurt. But I just don't need the drama or the worry and pain anymore. I will leave him to his HP and just let go.
It's very hard, but I'm doing my best to just move forward. I'm trying to just consider him dead which is, sadly, what he probably will be soon if he doesn't get help.
Just had to share all of this, b/c it's been so stressful all weekend (the three day weekend when I was going to try to relax and regroup after the horrible week I've had).
Tomorrow is a new day, and I will continue to try to focus only on my and my daughter, and our life.
Aloha AG...good responding especially while you are powerless over it all...focus now the message and the last word of the second step 2. came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could lead us to SANITY. Hope you're attending face to face meetings; there is lots of support out there for you and you are not alone. (((hugs)))
You also are sticking to your boundaries, not allowing the disease to control you.
Nope we cannot expect anyone to do anything to help them. It is not easy to get them into a rehab facility. They would rather throw them into a cage and then have them go away.
It is up to him to get help. He can go to AA meetings everyday, all day long to be helped.
It may not be rehab, but he can park his car there too.
When a person is ready to get help, they won't stop at getting it. They are driven.
Now as for you, yes go on with your life. You are a great mom, your daughter will blossom from your protection and good sense.
Thanks. Sadly, I've been neglecting f2f meetings for a little while, only b/c I'm so worn out at the end of a work day (my job is very stressful and fast-paced in summer). Now that things are calming down, I plan to go back.
Tonight, I'm starting to feel a bit free. I've done and given everything I can, without sacrificing myself. I have so much to look forward to -- watching my daughter grow, nurturing my friendships. Of course, I am incredibly sad about how this relationship has ended, but I finally realize I don't need this in my life.
Sad story indeed, but his failure at sobriety is not the fault of the insurance company, the detox center, the police, nor you...... I hope that you choose recovery.... for you.... I also hope that he finds his way to sobriety and recovery..... for him....
Glad you posted, and hope you find lots of replenishment at your f2f meetings...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I agree with tom u cannot blame others for not helping sounds to me like he has alot of help in the past and has abused it . If he really wants help all he has to do is walk into the nearest AA meeting thousand of people a yr get what they need in those rooms . he will too all he has to do is show up and get honest .
I'm so sorry to hear you've been going through this. It sounds very stressful. Whenever we take the focus off of ourselves, we're reminded how powerless we are, aren't we? I imagine many people on these boards have been through similar things. This is not to downplay the extreme stress it all causes, just to say that you're in the right place.
As others have said, remember that he doesn't need an in-patient program or professional help to embark on the journey to recovery. He can go to any AA meeting. Some people in early recovery go to AA meetings three times a day. There is no question he knows this. But A's are often used to everyone around them doing things for them (over-functioning), so they underfunction. If he wants to take charge of his own recovery -- which he will have to do for it to work -- he has all the tools he needs. If he's not starting on recovery, it's because he's chosen not to at this point. Don't be fooled by the alcoholic view that the failings of the external world are to blame for his continuing to drink.
I'm glad you've come here because their insanity affects everyone around them. So we need a lot of recovery too. Please do take care of yourself. Hugs to you! Keep coming back.
I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I can relate.
However, I'm glad to see that you're putting the focus back on you. That's great. Your ABF's recovery is up to him - if he really wants help, he can get it. Alcoholics are masters at the blame game. It's always someone else's fault - they are always the victim.
Take care of yourself. I'm sending prayers your way.
I just started attending the meetings and yesterday posted here for the first time, was the best thing I've ever did. I felt understood and I felt comfortable sharing. I probably dont have great advice for you but truth is I've said "im done" so many times already... and I'm still here. My husband has done most of the things you've mentioned on your post. But see, he doesnt only hurt you, he hurts himself too. It's not him, it's his giant he can't face yet. Letting him stay with you was a bad move I think. I learned from the first f2f meeting I've attended that we dont need to make rush decisions. You can still remain close but distant. And you can detach with love. Detach from the problem, but still love the person. I used to take his truck keys, hide booze, etc. I don't do that anymore. Why waste my energy? He's only going to get better at hidding it and deceive me. But as Benjamin Franklin said "Who had deceived thee as often as thyself?" Don't dwell on it too much, don't aggravate him or contribute to the negative behavior by arguing, controling, demanding.. it doesnt work anyway. I know I need a constant reminder that this is a disease. You didnt diagnosed him with it, and you cant cure him. Prognosis?...Hope, never lose hope, it's all we own, really. I'm not saying stay or dont stay, use your judgement and remember we all have issues. To be honest, my life is often unmanageable with or without the alcohol issue in it. Sometimes we only need one person that believe in us, for him it may be you. Support him but detach with love. Keep in mind that your partner doesnt owe you obedience but he does owe you honesty. His sobriety is his business, dont adopt his problem. I was reading about Mahatma Gandhi a few days ago and this quote stuck on my head " Nobody can hurt me without my permission." Good luck and keep in touch, we all need each other. Bambina
I can so very much relate to your post...I too had a husband who sounds to me was in a similar place that your Ah is.
No matter what you do he has to want it...until he truely wants it nothing can be done. i had also called he police, mental health, rehab centers.
To no avail my husband would go and come out and use again. He is no longer with us the disease took his very life.
Please take care of you and your daughter....put you and her above it and get the help you need to move forward. I know this is easier said than done but please beleive me when I tell you it is possible.....
You can not do anything for him, he must do it alone.
I am so sorry you have had to go through all this.
Can you get a hold of the book Getting them Sober. There are some really great insights in there of how to handle yourself in these kinds of situations.
My A had tried to kill himself, too. He knew how to not get arrested, even when he was clearly drunk and the cops were pulling him off the side of the road after he'd scraped into a parked vehicle then drove his car off the road. He just feigned injury and was then taken to the hospital instead, where they wouldn't force him to stay at all. Even after sitting in the emergency room, his telling the doctor he'd tried to kill himself, they STILL let him go home. Just amazing...
But, who am I to have a say in what plans - as CONFUSING they may be - that my A's HP has for him?
Over two years later, and an equal amount of time in Al-Anon, did I finally decide it was time to part ways - get out of his way so when he continues his path of self-destruction, I don't have to be smack in the middle of it.
God willing I filled out all the paperwork correctly, I should be getting my divorce granted by the judge here in a week or so. I'll no longer be legally tied to him should he continue on his current life-destroying mission.
When enough is enough, it's plainly clear. We all do the best we can, but at some point in time, the most loving thing we can do for ourselves and the A is to get out of there way - and for some of us, that means more than just going to a different room - it means much more distance than that.
Thanks, everyone. You are all correct. This is HIS disease. If he wants the help badly enough, he'll get it. I've been trying for months to detach with love. Any time he makes strides toward wanting sobriety, I support him, but I don't try to control anymore.
I, too, have said "I'm done" a million times. This time I really think I am. I have let go.
I am so sorry to hear of the troubles your having! Sounds like a rough ride/...but you have a sense of what you need to do for yourself and your daughter. His lack of recovery could be solved by attending meetings and doing what is suggested. Like you are :)
