The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good question and thread Kath...I've been there and it has been part of my journey. Along this journey I had to love unconditionally; unconditionally meaning to love at all times and just for the reasons because being loving was more desireable than what I used to do instead. Keep it simple!! The other was because my anger and and resistence was about fear. I hated being fearful and letting it control my life so the work was to learn how thru practice to be loving as a part of my character and to be without fear as the tap root to maintaining my peace of mind and soul (serenity).
Later on my HP and I in a converstation made that most simple which today is my spritual awareness...Love is the absence of Fear and (of course) Fear is the absence of Love. That's for me of course...You can take as much as you like and leave the rest. In support. ((((((hugs))))))
i'm with Jerry on this one Keep it simple , we only have to do this one day at a time Al-Anon suggestions work in all relationships especially a sober alcoholic nothing changes he is still alcoholic and we still react to them .Learning how to respond is the tricky part of recovery dont ever stop working on yourself drinking or not you too have a right to a life .. Nothing u say or do will cause him to drink again that will be a choice he makes and it has nothing to do with you. learning to speak up and say what we need takes time . Unexceptable behavior is just that sober or not keep boundaries firmly in place and your gonna be just fine . go to meetings for yourself its the best way i know how to support thier efforts at sobriety ,we learn to mind our own business , stay out of thier stuff and focus on ourselves . Sobriety is not the answer to all of lifes problems but it sure helps . WE had a part in the problems when drinking take responsiblitly for them and change the things you can .your attitude and behavior will influence him too . Enjoy sobreity and dont miss the good days worrying about what is commin next or dwelling on the past . I did the Just for today I am married and will act like it . One day at a time there is nothing we cant do . Louise
In my situation I had to detach with love from the kindness as much I needed to detach from the negative aspects and emotions that came from my xah. Only by taking a step back from all of it was I able to build a respectful relationship with my xah inside myself. The flipping between anger, kindness, pity and blame kept me riding the roller coaster ... still can when i am not fully prepared to stop and think and detach. Not sure if that is anything to think on but it is what popped into my head about me after reading your post
welcome and it is an excellent question. Alanon is about YOU and over time as u keep coming, focusing on YOU and getting out ur feelings and issues - u will learn how to "just get along". It is a delicate balancing act. We have to learn to stop enabling them and focus on fixing us (as we are all we can change or control). Adults will do what they wants, we cant change that.
For me, everything was all about the manipulation. I was doing it and so were they. It is a constant tug of war going on - the power dynamic between men and women and the dynamic of A's throwing off their negativity in the hopes that we will pick it up, clean it up and own thier bad feelings for them - then we feel guilty and fearful and resentful (eventually). Learn to take care of YOU and identify what is coming from inside of you and what ur picking up on the outside.
A's pick up substances, we pick up people.
I think part of it has to do with being honest with yourelf. If u are angry or hurt, u need to deal with it (not stuff it) otherwise all it does it come out sideways inappropriately and then we feel worse - guilty, shamed, embarrssed for losing it, snapping.
But some days it is nice to just let go of what we are fighting about and agreee to disagree and choose to get along. You have to detach with love from what ur AH is going through - it is his alone to navigate in his own mind and with his own HP, just like you can do as well.
Best way to help an A is to work ur own best program, whether he is in recovery or not. Just be kind, be civil. I also found that dropping any and all expectations allows u to just enjoy the moment and not try to run the outcomes of the universe. (not that we can but its a big waste of time and energy- i tried lol). Doing just me is an easier project bc although I am a full time job, I benefit greatly from my hard work in program and it is self empowering! Hope u keep coming back, ur worth it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
