The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So far, I feel like all roads lead to "EXA" and I would love to hear some stories from those of you who remain married to an A and have made it work through recovery.
If this is you, please let me know how you are able to work through the resentment that your spouses disease has now made you sick. I am really struggling with the need to be here in the first place (and I need to be here, no mistaking that) BUT, I was fine before I met him.
I remained in my marriage and made some really big changes that needed to be addressed. The first and biggest one was that I decided to join alanon and recover. The second big change was I went back to work full time and this changed the dynamics of the marriage.
I understand your question about the wreckage to our inner world that has been caused by this disease. . The anger, resentment, self pity , fear and isolation are very real and must be dealt with!!! It really does not matter if you stay in the marriage or not because we continue to use the same Alanon tools.
They are the 12 Steps, a sponsor, meetings. These all work to enable us to let go of the destructive damage of living with the disease of alcoholism . Using the 4 th thru 12 th step I found a new way of interacting with the world , my husband included and grew in compassion, understanding, wisdom and peace.
My husband remained sober in AA until he died of cancer after 7 years of sobriety. He so cherished this sobriety that he refused to take pain med's because he did not want to zone out on the life he had found
So sad to hear your husband finally found his way only to pass away from Cancer. I fear this may happen to my husband as well. He's 50 and smokes heavily - has done since he was about 13 and is showing no interest in quitting.
Most of our issues strangely little to do with him picking up the bottle but more the horrible addict behavior - self centered, manipulative, lying. He is trying but I am not 100% convinced he's going to turn it all around and really find the serenity your husband did, but I hope I am wrong.
I find it really sad that this post has been up for nearly 2 hours and only you have responded. I was seeking hope in those that have made it work....looks like the pickings for those that have, are slim.
Go top the top of the page and type in the search box : Why do so many women stay? That topic will pull up and there are 37 reply from members of MIP. I was one of the 37 who answered the post. Reading the replies to that post will answer some of the questions you are looking for.
I think the reason for only one reply is because today is Labor Day and members are involved in other activities with family and friends, but you will receive many replies to your post. Keep checking back and coming back. Your not alone.
Pah..yes I'm busy today too and just got on this afternoon....my wife isn't an A and Im not sure I'm staying....but....for now I am, for today I am..and I'll try to make the best of it.....even if that's not very good.....I need more recovery before I can really make a good decision anyway.
I guess I should add that we don't have children. Seems many of the replies on the previous thread (which mostly consisted of people who eventually left the relationship) was due to children. Not my situation.
I am looking for more positive stories of a couples that made it work. Perhaps I am looking for something that doesn't exist, with the exception of hotrod above.
well Pah I disagree if you were fine before you met him u would have walked away , the horns in thier heads fit the holes in ours perfectly. I am one who chose to stay and have never looked back we have 20 yrs sobiety in our home now and I still attend 3 al anon meetings a week I go for me .. He is still alcoholic and we just dont think alike our solutions to problem s are not the same at all , so I go to meetings to keep my head on straight and not react .. this program has improved every relationship in my life I am a better mom today a better wife and I finally know how to be a good friend . with or with out him I will continue to grow and improve my life - today my husb is not what makes me happy thats my job anyone in my life is a bonus and I treat them that way . there are no guarantees here to save marriages but both programs do promise to return sanity to our lives . So stay or go Al- Anon was a win win situation for me .. and any one else who stays for themselves . Louise
I do have an exAH. However, my second husband is also an alcoholic and now in recovery.
Our marriage is a lot different in recovery than it was before. We go to an open AA meeting together every week or two, but mostly we have to focus on our own recoveries. Although we may share a bit with each other about a meeting topic we found particularly good, we don't even talk a lot about our own recoveries with each other. That is probably good for me, because I would likely find myself slipping back into the controlling, advice-giving, overly concerned person I was before I had a couple of years of Alanon under my belt.
I keep going to meetings for myself. I went through the worst times of my life by myself and without a program. I'm never going back to that place.
My husband is in recovery with AA and I am with Alanon for two months. I've gone through resentment but by reading Alanon literature, attending meetings and chatting with Alanon friends, I learned to let go & accept that I am powerless over alcohol.
For me, his recovery inspires me. It was hard at first to admit that I was affected by his alcoholism or needing Alanon. I was blaming on him for everything. I thought if it wasn't for him, I would've been happier. It was an eye opener to realize that it was alcoholim not him that made me feel how I felt (lack of confidence, feeling worthless, self-pity etc). After this realization, I stopped blaming on him.
His recovery inspires me. It is still difficult to focus on me but it is a great feeling to know that he's got his own recovery & people who support him because I can't.
In some way, we support each other by giving each other some space while we are out at meetings, not minding each other's business (which is still difficult for me..).
Since we both started recovering, our relationship is much calmer & loving. We always have been very close and loving but this is something new. No chaos with alcohol and I like it.
I was scared how I would feel about him and vice versa as we progress in recovery but for now, we are happy together and that's enough for me.
No one knows what happens in the future and I try not to think about something it may not happen. I wouldn't want to feel anxious about something I am powerless over (though it is difficult sometimes..). Taking each day as it comes helps me a lot.
White Rabbit and Junko, these the kind of stories I was hoping to hear. I just feel like this entire program is set up to help me walk away when I am not entirely sure that that's what I want to do.
I do question my AH's dedication to AA so that's something I have to work through but I do think that if you both put in equal effort, it can work out.
My Ah and I just celebrated our 33rd anniversary. It has been a tough road at times and great at others. I suppose most marriages are like that. My AH has been through 4 rehabs and is currently sober. He attends 3 meetings a week and I attend 1 x week. (There are only 2 Alanon meetings to attend, and I didn't like the other one). He also does post-rehab via the internet weekly. I have to say that it can be done, divorce doesn't always have to be the answer. It is a journey and one that I hope we will continue to proceed together. Time will tell. I have grown so much since finding this board and going to my current F2F meetings. I have made some radical changes in my life. Who I spend time with has been a biggy. I have to have positive people in my life and those are the ones that I spend time with. The rest I can be cordial, but don't seek them out. I have also learned to NOT isolate myself. If my AH is going to drink, he will do it whether I am here or not. So, I do go more. I have also forgiven him. I don't carry resentments anymore. The only ones those hurt were me. I still have a little trouble with trust, but I'm working on it. (It is very hard to trust and A, as lies are part of the illness.) The Alanon F2F I attend, only three of us are still currently married. One of these, her AH is still actively drinking and she is one of the most serene people I know. She is amazing!
I don't want to walk away. I have fought hard to keep this together. But the truth of the matter is, it takes two to have a marriage whether one is an alcoholic or not. Every situation is unique and only you know what you want to do.
I just feel like this entire program is set up to help me walk away when I am not entirely sure that that's what I want to do.
My initial assessment of Al-Anon was the polar opposite -- I naively dismissed it as a somehwat oldfashioned program to keep the wives of alcoholics complacent in their marriages.
I got past that.
I walked away from my second relationship (not marriage, however) with a frequently-relapsing recovering alcoholic at Christmas last year, and I recently walked back. Mainly because he has maintained sobriety ever since then, and shown me that he is genuinely working on his own stuff, but also because I know the sober man is a really wonderful human being. I always knew that, but ran away to avoid my own pain at watching someone that I loved disintegrate.
I'm not sure that even participation in Al-Anon will prevent me from making that decision again in future, if it comes to that. And I really questioned whether I had developed a false sense of confidence in my own ability to deal with alcoholism before we reconciled.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
abbyal "well Pah I disagree if you were fine before you met him u would have walked away , the horns in thier heads fit the holes in ours perfectly."
Pardon my frankness abbyal, but I have been with this man for 24 years and when we met, I was not the sick person I am today. I have no addiction in my family, and never dated an addict before my AH. I was a vibrant, ballsy, outgoing woman. My AH's issues developed during our relationship so please don't offer advice topped off with judgement about me or my situation. That's not what I came here for.
Sweet Stanley: what a great framework to strive for. I only hope we can get there.
It appears that you are in a space of anger and digging your heels in to save the relationship. Completely understandable and admirable. I rarely see here at MIP where we recommend leaving. We recommend healing, focus on self, recovery, and reaching a place where healthy decisions can be made - whatever those decisions may be. We support and encourage those that find recovery and healing in the marriage as well as those that must leave the relationship to find peace and healing.
For me, I did end up leaving the qualifier in my life, but it wasn't due to lack of recovery. We had split after a very toxic relationship and after a year of recovery on both sides decided to reconcile. From that angle, our relationship was wonderful. Recovery had changed us and let us connect like never before and also be healthy as individuals. We are not together now because of different lifestyle choices. The neat thing is, is that I was able to let go with love and acceptance of who he is and who I am. It is OK. There was no fighting or anger internally or externally. I love him, I miss him, but this is just the way it is. Do I consider that a failure? No way.
I do not feel that Al-Anon "promotes" anything but healing, how to care for yourself when dealing with alcoholics in your life, and chosing what works best for you. I jumped into Al-Anon to save my relationship and soon realized that it was just a small piece of the big picture of who I am, who I have been, and who I want to be.
I understand your need and want for HOPE. There is a LOT here to be had . . . not in the success or failure of our relationships - but our success as happy, healthy individuals.
Please keep coming back. We are here for you.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Not angry at all, it's just that being new here I just didn't expect people to make assumptions about my life when they don't know anything about it except for what I've shared thus far. While we all share similar stories and situations...heck most are identical, I think it's unfair to assume anything about anyone's life before they were involved with an A.
As far as my relationship goes, my heels are not necessarily dug in, but I would like to hear about the other, more positive potential outcome, as opposed to the overwhelmingly large proportion of sad outcomes (understandably so). I am not past the idea of leaving and as a matter of fact, I am closer to that right now than staying but I felt I needed to prod to find out what makes the very few relationships that have endured, survive.
Thankfully, several of the responses above have provided valuable information on what it takes and that it is indeed possible.
I was here a couple of years before I even thought of leaving the ex A. In fact I found the polar opposite too. No one told me to leave. They made suggestions about how to cope. I do think it is very very hard to at certain stages manage the resentments. I manage my resentments now and I am no longer in the chaos and despair I was.
I think one way is to work t he steps, doing a fourth step really brings up what resentment has cost. The other issue is to work it day by day. I have choices today. I may not like those choices but I make better ones.
Here's a positive for you. I have been married to my AW for over 18 years. She has been an alcoholic for all those years. It was about 8 years ago as the disease progressed that I realized she definitely had a problem. The disease is progressive and as it progressed my life continued to be effected. I was crazy and didn't know which was to turn. For several years I watched as the disease continued to take over my wifes mind, body, and spirit. There were two wrecks (no DUI issued) I never understood that, there were two falls , one broken ankle and on laceration to the head that required a hospital visit. There were many arguments because she took one word I said out of context. I walked on egg shell during those years (which is not my nature). I dug through the garbage counting cans, I checked her car to see how many beers she drank that day. The disease had driven me crazy over time and I was not even aware of it. Many of our "close" friends quit asking us to eat out with them or invited us over. I could go on and on, it wasn't a pretty picture. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. If I look back the word that is missing describing me would be ...insanity.
Four years ago my wife joined AA and two months later I found my way to the rooms of Al-Anon. During the last four years my wife has been sober for one 8 months period. During the last four years I have attended two f2f meeting each week. I might have missed 5 meetings during that time and three of those was when I was invited to tell my story to other groups.
I stayed in the marriage, I fought and still do fight the disease with this wonderful program. I made it an everyday part of my life. I accepted it at face value, and didn't question it. I wanted what the old timers in my meetings had, many who were living in situations much worse than mine. I had a burning desire to make our marriage work.
The program gave me the tools, slogans, and principles. Nothing happened overnight. No magic pills. I got a sponsor and worked the steps. I realized I had a part in the problems where I wanted to admit it or not. I learned to detach with love. I learned to not react, to think before I opened my mouth. ( a friend on MIP calls that snipping the wires). Many times I need a large set of wire cutters but I realized I didn't have to go to ever argument I was invited to. How important is it to win an argument with an alcoholic and lose your serenity? They don't remember it the next morning anyway.
One and a half years ago I turned my wife over to my HP and got out of his way. When I say I turned her over, I'm talking 100%. I have not taken her back from HP once. She is going to do what she is going to do, drink. She still goes to 3 or 4 AA meetings each week, yet continues to drink 12 to 15 beers a day. There is no such thing as a functioning alcoholic, but she comes fairly close. I never ask her about her drinking or request her to slow down or stop. Her drinking is out of my control. The only thing I can control is me.
We have a good relationship. We seldom get in a disagreement. The reason is acceptance. My wife has a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease. I love my wife and yes, I hate the disease. I separate the disease from the person. I wouldn't think of walking on egg shell again and I don't accept unacceptable behaviour. I take care of myself first. The program taught me everything I know about the disease and how to live and be happy in the disease. More important the program taught me a lot about myself I didn't know or didn't want to admit. I stayed for many reasons to numerous to mention and I personally give Al-Anon and my HP all the credit.
I can't answer the questions you are looking for but I guarantee you this program can........if you start attending f2f meetings and remember to keep an open mind. I will always be extremely grateful to this program because it works if you work it, and it works in all your affairs.
Give it a try...your worth it.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 8th of September 2010 10:07:47 AM
I have to agree with abby. If we were perfectly healthy, none of us would be here. It doesn't matter if we had or didn't have alcoholics in our families. I didn't either. I was outgoing too. I owned my own business, was strong and somehow this disease crept in and affected my life. Had I been perfectly healthy, I would never have allowed it. Seeing that and admitting it was not easy. But here we are...
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Again, I am having huge issues with generalizations being made about both myself and others. What is perfectly healthy? What is normal? What it fine? It's all so subjective. I think it's all how we see ourselves and what works for us, personally. Not how others perceive us.
I would really love this thread to return to the main issue at hand and that's examples of those that have made their relationship work - - so much more inspiring.
I just joined this forum today. I have been married to a guy for 22 years who just this summer accepted that he is an alcoholic. He went through treatment and is two months' sober.
I have stayed with him through the worst parts of the active disease. As a defense mechanism, I became numb -- so I couldn't feel the hurt of his lies, his bizarre behavior and how it was hurting the kids. It is only now that he is sober that I am feeling these feelings and they are extraordinarily painful.
I intend to work as hard as I can to make this 22-year marriage work. But there is so very much work to be done to get over this pain. So I don't have any answer about "how to get over this resentment," but I wanted to tell you you are not alone. I (and apparently many others like me) are going through exactly what you are.
Our stories (as much as you've told me so far) are nearly identical! I am in the same exact spot you are. What a fool I've been! (is what keeps ringing in my head). I thought I had it all figured out...I am so very hurt and feel like a lot of my marriage has been a sham.
That said, when not in the grips of his disease, my husband is a wonderful person. When he's not sick, he's a hard worker, so supportive and spoils me rotten. So, why not work to save it...under all of the A crap, it's worth saving.
That said, you're right, there's lots of work to be done on both of our parts if any saving is going to happen.
Thanks SO much and please, stay in touch and let me know .
OK, that is freaky. You sound just like me. AH when sober sends me roses once a month, does thoughtful things all the time, regularly says he loves me. But now that I know there were so many lies, I question everything. I am coming to realize that all those kind things he has done are as much a part of him as the nasty things he's done while drunk. I.e., his drunk behavior doesn't entirely negate the good stuff.
I am also in the "what a fool I've been" mode. But I am resisting blaming myself for believing him the hundreds of times he told me he wasn't drinking when he was. I am sure you have heard mention in the twelve steps of our "defects of character." I really REALLY had trouble with that concept because I had been hurt by AH's defects of character. But then, at my last Al-Anon meeting, a quote resonated for me. It was" think of defects of character as survival skills that are no longer necessary." The denial we had going, and our desparate desire to believe him and what we now know were lies, were just that -- survival skills. They were the methods we used to just survive the screwed up world the A created for us.
So what I am trying to tell you is that there is no room for self-blame. We've been beat up enough emotionally without doing the beating ourselves.
Exact same spot. Guess we should thank our respective HP's for putting us here at the same time.
The quote you've shared hits home....it's the explanation to make all of the chaos, tangible so thank you for that. I keep feeling like, if it wasn't for your issues we wouldn't be here! I think things like now, I have to spend my life going to meetings because of you! But we both know I need to be here...it's just hard to digest this early on in the process.
Freaky #2 - - Your husband is two months sober and just before my husband left for his trip, he got his 60-day coin at AA. So we are truly in this together.
I wish you the best and please feel free to message me anytime if you need to share. A million thanks Cloudsea - you have no idea the rope you've thrown me. :)
HP works in mysterious ways, in his time, not always ours.
PAH you have many members on this board who want you to have what they have, what's worked for them. I couldn't help but notice that Cloudsea shared her experience, strength, and hope from help she had received in the rooms of Al-Anon. Reading between the lines of her post she seemed to be saying she was not alone in her recovery from this cunning, baffling, and powerful disease anymore. We have all been effected by alcoholism in different ways, yet they are so similar. This program has taken countless thousands of people out of the grips of the disease and into a life filled with sincerity and hope. I have seen it happen on this board and in my f2f meeting time and time again. It changed my life and for the better. I already expressed that in my reply above. I'm one of those members that want you to have what worked for me and others. We all have choices in life. I came to a fork in the road four years ago. I had a choice to live the way I had been living that had not been working or trying something new. I chose the road to recovery. I will always be in recovery, but I am not alone anymore because I have the members of my f2f meetings, my MIP family, and my HP that I can call on 24/7, and for lack of better words that's priceless.
You have come to a fork in the road......I hope you chose the same road I choose.....you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. So don't give up.....give in to a power greater than yourself.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 8th of September 2010 06:42:06 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 8th of September 2010 06:44:57 PM
I have stayed in my marriage of 40 years and we argue about the same things we did when we were in our 1st year. I to this day do not know why I have stayed, I feel so sorry for my A that he has no contact with his family or friends. He has one good friend and he is disqusted with him that the ties have been cut there. I feel he only has me who he treats like crap when he is drinking which is everyday again. I need to go back to F to F meeting. I have one friend who I talk to as she is in the same boat. My familly has left me alone as I have complained to many times that I think they don't want to hear it anymore. I need to see someone to find out why I stay....
