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Once again thank you every one. It was suggested for me to post a gratitude list...I will do that in a moment. I also had 2 insights yesterday that I think are important and I want to share: 1) As I spent the day with my daughter, who is just a joy (9 years old) it occurred to me that I was feeling if not unhappy, then dissatisfied at one point during the day. It then dawned on me, if I could feel that way with my favorite person on the planet holding my hand....then there was something wrong with me on the inside...because the outside at that moment is as good as life gets. So, even with the perfect wife, job, etc......I'd still have issues............ This will help....I've known it was an inside job intellectually, but the outside stuff was giving me "excuses".....yesterday I had no excuse.....so Hi Ho, Hi HO, off to work on the inside we go.....
2) 2nd insight.....I need to compartmentalize my life far more. I let the bad stuff bleed into and mar the good stuff. Yes, the bad stuff is legitimate....but so is the good stuff (coming in gratitude list).
3) Going to resolve transference issues with therapist. I have a wonderful female therapist, who has helped immensely....but lately I've had anxiety going to each session. Thought is was because we were handling intense issues...but the fact is I am having transference issue with her. I've been afraid to mention them for several reasons: a) fear of rejection....b) fear of humiliation...and c) as one who knows all about transference, what it means, what it is etc.....I'm embarrassed (?) or disappointed in myself (?)...not sure what.... But as she would tell me "you give too much power to others over you"....so I'm going to bring it up....if she's really good at her job, she'll help me deal with them....if she does reject me, than she is not very good and I deserve to get someone better. I feel better knowing I'll get this "out fo the way" and move on with my core issues work with her (I actually believe this will all work out ok).
1. I am grateful for a good secure job that (almost) pays all the bills (and the fact that it doesn't is my own fault and I'm in the process of fixing it). It can be fulfilling at times, brings me in contact with alot of good people and has very manageable hours and vacation time.
2. I am grateful for a great relationship I have with my brother, whom I could also consider my best friend.
3. I am grateful for some good friends in my life with whom I can share good times and bad.
4. I am grateful that I have who I believe is the absolute best 9 year old daughter on the planet....I can't imagine anything that would make her any better than she is (except maybe keeping her room clean ).
5. I am grateful for my little black Shih Tzu....who is so cute and gives me much joy, fun and satisfaction.
6. I am grateful for my musical abilities....they may not be where I want them to be yet...but I also realize that with a minimum of work they are really quite good, and bring me much joy and satisfaction....If I put a little more work into them they could be great (and I'm doing that...recently started guitar lessons).
7. I grateful for parents who despite their neurosis and alcoholism...have never rejected me and who have been (as best they can anyway) supportive....
8. I'm grateful for a nice, safe, good neighborhood I live in...including a beach club membership (it's nothing fancy really...but I've enjoyed the parties and BBQ's etc....).
9. I'm grateful that we live in a good school district and that my daughter is getting a top flight education and enjoys school.
10. I'm grateful to see my daughter get so much unconditional love from grandparents from both sides...she will always have wonderful memories of them in later years.
11. I'm grateful for neighbors who have helped me with borrowed tools, the occasional help carrying things etc.
12. I'm grateful for sports on tv which I enjoy.
13. I'm grateful for a nice big back yard (except when I have to work on it ) that feels like a park and had a pool when I bought the house which we've spent many happy hours in).
14. I'm grateful for old alanon friends...having started meetings again after about 8 years away.....seeing some old familiar faces who remembered me as well was ...well...comforting...
15. I'm grateful to weightwatchers...which has helped me lose 35 pounds and get back to a weight that feels comfortable and allows me to exercise safely again.
16. I'm grateful that I can exercise again...the body can't handle frequent jogging etc but I'm able to mix it up and mix in some rest and I can still enjoy a (mostly) pain free jog 2-3 times per week.
17. I'm grateful for the weather where I live. Other than winter being about 2-3 weeks too long, the winters are generally mild, spring and fall are gorgeous and summer is really....well...summery....it's very humid but I really dont' mind that and enjoy the variety of weather we have.
18. I'm grateful for my overall location which places me within a 15 minute ride to the ocean, an hour's ride to a major city, and 2-3 hours from skiing which I enjoy.
19. I'm grateful for my church, which is more spiritual than religious and embodies much of the alanon principles regarding spirituality without any dogma, fire and brimstone, guilt etc that I remember from other churches.
20. I'm grateful for the internet that has allowed me so much access to information and entertainment for free!
21. I'm grateful for me sometimes strange taste and knowledge of music and musicians that brings me such pleasure. Some of the performers I love are absolutely unknown to others and they wouldn't get them even if they knew.....I'm not considering myself better than anyone..but it's the pleasure of no one else seeing something...but somehow I can, and appreciate it.
22. Grateful for a wonderful cousin, with who I have little contact, but each time we get together it's like we've never been apart. She's such a sweet sincere person and I feel lucky to know her and be related to her.
23. I'm very down on my wife and what she's done to me and my daughter over the years...but I have to admit to being grateful for the good times we've had in the past that I may never have experienced if I hadn't met her.
24. I'm grateful that I'm not a quitter....I may have gone down with the ship far too many times but my persistance has occasionally paid off. I've surprised myself and others with some small accomplishments that I never ever thought I'd do.
25. I'm grateful for my intelligence...God gave me a gift there.....I'm no genius but I'm aware that it's been an asset that has served me well and over which I can take no credit...it's just a pure gift that I forget about at times. Same for my overall health I guess....I'm not perfect...I'm 50 with various aches and pains...but none of those have stopped me from doing things I want to do so far.
26. I'm grateful for the recently beautiful weather that has allowed me to work on my deck in relative comfort.
27. I'm grateful for a change in tools that has made the deck work a little easier.
28. I'm grateful for the wonders of technology that allow me to listen to a baseball game from 1949 while I work on my deck.
29. I'm grateful to my therapist who is a wonderful combination of professionalism, femininity, caring, nurturing, butt-kicking (when I really need it) and not afraid to show emotions.
I could probably go on but I'm tapped out at the moment. Is all of this enought to make me happy? Should it be? Is there something wrong with me that no matter how good I have it I won't be happy anyway? I don't know but there is certainly alot to be grateful for.....thanks everyone.
-- Edited by mjhyankees on Monday 6th of September 2010 03:50:53 PM
I love how you caught yourself with your daughter! That's progress, my friend.
Somewhere around here, I have a post that reads, "If you are not experiencing bliss in the present moment, it's because you are focusing on what you do not have."
May your list of blessings continue to grow. I am told, what you focus on... gets bigger and bigger... !
(((hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
You have made me proud my friend ! Thank you for posting those powerful blessings you have in your life. To be honest with you had anyone put a gun to my head when I first entered the program and told me to tell them something I was grateful for, I would have just told them to shoot because at that time i was in such a dark place I couldn't see any of the positives past or present. And you just listed 28 blessings in your life !!!!!!! Your post absolutly brought tears to my eyes, Today as part of my own prayer ritual at night I thank my HP at least 5 things that I am grateful for. for just that day. Somedays are a little harder than others but if I dig deep I can always find those blessings HP has sent to me.
On a different note to your first post.. Your feelings of tranference towards your therapist.... that is totally common. In a way especially if they are of the opposite gender how can there be no transference. You are sharing your deepest darkest fears and experiences with this person...there is a tremdous amount of trust on your part to be able to do that and this person isn't judging you. I am not sure you need to share that with your therapist unless you feel that your feelings are interfering with your progress. If it is then tell her, she will understand and while she will not feel the same way she will validate that your feelings are normal and you shouldn't take it personally. Then move on from there.
Gosh have I said how proud i am of you for the gratitude list lol ! Your daughter sounds absolutly lovely and certainly the light of your life.... enjoy every moment spent with her, even when she becomes a teenager and tries your patience LOL. Your growth and behvior changes will be so benefical to your daughter. I regret deeply that I had the chance to get into the program when my children were young and I walked away from it. I would have been able to teach them so much better coping tools that now that they are grown I can't teach them anymore. So embrace the program for you and your daughter. Blessings to you!!!!!!!!
Now your talkin , copy that gratitude list in fact make a few copies ,tuck them in drawers at work home and in your wallet on a bad day take it out and re read it , add to it daily and soon your feeling better , negative thoughts always come first for me now they last a split second I give my head a shake and get into the silver linning u know is hidden in the dark cloud
Take responsibility for your part in your relationship your wife did nothing to you that u didnt allow , it takes two to make or break a relationship - along time ago when i was still into blaming others for my misery someone said to me take the ME out of BLAME and all u got is bla bla bla - pricless so when I start going there in my head that is what I hear and it makes me laugh .
Now try a gratitude list on just your wife , you fell in love with her so something must be there . that is the only thing that helped me change my attitude with my mother - It was suggested to me that I look at my mother thru Gods eyes . remembering that God dont make junk .
-- Edited by abbyal on Monday 6th of September 2010 12:21:55 PM
Love the gratitude list..... I'm thinking that I might have to come up with one for myself, as I've definitely been mired in a "feeling sorry for myself" mode lately...
One thing that I believe most of us struggle through (in our recovery) is that anger, bitterness, and hopelessness.... Kids were an important thing for me as well, as I got better "for my kids" at times, which may not be the healthiest reason, but it helped me maintain my sanity when I needed it most....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
).
) that feels like a park and had a pool when I bought the house which we've spent many happy hours in).