The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I mentioned in my original post, my husband travels frequently for work. When he is home, I don't worry as much about drinking as he is in meetings almost daily and doesn't, but when he is gone, I have found out by his own confession that he used that time to indulge himself in a few beverages. He says he's stopped that but, well the trust thing leads me to think otherwise....urgh.
Anyway when he is gone, we agree on a time for him to call each day. He calls mostly on schedule but I am always listening for signs of his drinking and if he's late in calling, I lose it (literally).
I am thinking that during the process of healing myself it would be best to let him do his trip and not call me at all. Does anyone think this is a smart idea? I mean, I feel like the only reason I wait for his calls is to check on him and what's the point really?
Please help. Thanks in advance for all of your kind advice.
This is difficult to answer, as I imagine if he does not call, you would be wondering if he is alright. Healing is a process; things didn't occur overnight, it will take time to heal and recover. Only you would know if you would feel better one way or the other. Or, you may ask him to not call and then realize that calling was better.
It is typical for those around the addict to have our thoughts revolve more and more around the addict. This becomes unhealthy and can distort our behavior and thinking without us even knowing it.
I remember thinking 'what is the point'; many years later, underneath all my anger and hurt, I realize that I love the man. The program has taught me to try and separate the man from the addiction disease. It takes practice to think of it this way, but I found this to be extremely helpful.
Try and come to meetings, read all the alanon literature you can to learn and understand addiction and how it affects others. The answers will come.
How is your level of serenity? Does it improve when you wonder about him? Or do you enjoy living your own life, focused on the things that bring you bliss?
The goal is taking care of yourself. If you are always there for HIM, and he is there for HIM, who is here.... for YOU???
You matter, you really do. Live and let live. Has any of your worry, any of your phone calls been able to control him in the past? Surrender to your powerlessness, my friend. It will feel better. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 6th of September 2010 08:13:06 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
i'm reminded of an alanon statement about "not forcing solutions"....letting things take their natural course and looking for guidance about what to do. What would it be like to just let him call when he wanted to...don't force the calls, or force him not to call?
I have a wonderful alanon tool that really helps me in making a decision. I pause , and truly examine my motives for the action or response.
There is nothing wrong with loving partners calling each other daily while away on a business trip. It is nice to have the loving connection, it is important to share any issue that may happen that concerns you shared life, etc, But if the only reason for the call is to check on the voice and see if he is drinking then the motives are destructive to the relationship and the action should not be taken.
It will take time to decide the best action and to stop the destructive looking for signs. It is a process. Fear, anxiety etc jump in. Try using alanon tools Get to meetings, . Live One day at a time, pray, use a slogan and the serenity prayer when worry or fear enter.
Keep you mind focused on your recovery and then the right solution will present itself
Thats a hard question for me to answer for you. Niether my husband or I are alcholics but there was a times when both of us had to travel frequently for work. We did nightly calls as that kept our connection to each other and to our children. Those calls were very important to us. In your case you are trying to establish a connection with your husband while he is traveling but also looking for signs of drinking. Fact is just like when he is home he has a choice to drink or not. I can only suggest that on this one you let go and let god Blessings
I am sure uhave better things to do than sit and stew waiting for a call from your husb . go out with friends , find meetings if he calls when your out , oh well ... and your right there is no point in worrying even if he were home if he wants to drink he will find a way . You cannot control his drinking . Letting go of the obsession of what he is doing is the hardest part of recovery , when were so involved in others lives we don't have alife of our own . Let go and Let God take care of him .
My bad, he just called and told me about his day. He sounded fine and asked me how my day was. Right now, I am a mess. I lost it and told him I am concerned about our relationship and his commitment to his sobriety (because I am). He said he understood but got really angry with me for bringing it up on the phone when he was all the way in Europe.
I am suffering right now in an attempt to recover from this mess I find myself in. I don't feel like I can talk to him anymore without him becoming defensive or angry with me but we have to talk, right? Or am I suppose to do my thing and him his? How can you mend a relationship without talking through things....I do get that over the phone is not the best way but it's where I am right now......God, I am just so lost, I need to let go but just can't seem to get there.
This would be one of those times where I would run to my sponsor...don't past GO and don't try to collect the $200.00!! Get a hold of SPONSOR!! because I was just about ready to hand my butt over to the situation and maybe not get it back.
Before calling the alcoholic?...call the sponsor. (We admitted we were powerless... so that mean't we needed help.) (((((hugs)))))
I had that issue of trying to monitor what the ex A did. I had to really work on detaching. One way I did was to become very very busy. Another was to start working on the tools. Detachment is a hard one.
You are in the right place asking for support and ideas.
He called tonight. Much better call. He said he's looking forward to coming home and getting back into his meetings. I believe this because he was going to 5 per week before he left. The fact that he's missing it is a good thing in my opinion.
I told him about this online forum as a great option while he is on trips and and he's going to sign up. We're both so new to this that we didn't even know such a wonderful tool existed.
