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I'm new to Al Anon. No experience with alcoholism before. My AH just graduated from a rehab program and goes to AA meetings. Married approx 6 months ago, he did a good job at hidding how serious the alcohol issue was.. Gradually it became very obvious, going as far as sleeping in his truck for 3 days in a row just him and a few bottles of hard liquor in it, or renting a hotel room for 2, 3 days at the time just to not be bothered and pass out, ruining outings, holiday weekends.. just as this Labor Day weekend. We had plans to enjoy ourselves and here I am by myself again because he's out in a hotel room somewhere having this affair with vodka. I feel that's my competition, a bottle that gets more attention and TLC than I do. Then when he is gone all the unanswered questions racing through my head. Although he truly and openly expresses his deep love for me, I dont feel it. This particular time I didn't plead, I told him "go". He looks angry, takes over $1,000 with him, starts packing his radio, clothing..just like he's been doing for the past 6 months on an average of every 10 days. It troubles me that out of nowhere he makes the statement "do you think you are good in bed?..if so, you have no idea of the women I've been with then.." Wow... pretty sharp and deep wound he inflicted on me before going on his binge. Totally unnecessary. Why? Is the selfishness and lack of consideration part of the addiction or is it the man or both? Does he choose to push the partner away? When is the truth spoken, when under the influence or when sober? How can an alcoholic hurt so much with words? I could deal with the addiction and recovery process because of my love and devotion to him but.. statements like the one above disturbe me... the collateral damage scares me to death...
Try not to pay attention to the Alcoholic rhetoric. Who knows why they say the crazy things they say. They are not aware of the things they say while drunk. He is in to his addiction and there is nothing you can say or do that will change it.
What you can do for yourself is find a sense of serenity midst all the craziness. Try and attend an Alanon meeting. This will help you with the serenity and lessons of how you can live in a new way. The disease of Alcoholism affects us in ways we are not even aware of . Alanon will give you the tools to deal with this baffling , cunning disease.
Welcome and thank you for your post....why does that nasty remark not surprise me? My guess is that saying something so mean and nasty like that serves as ammunication made to make you feel like you are responsible for his actions as he is on his way out the door to do what he feels like. Dont pay any attention to such nonsense. I would suggest getting yourself to some meetings and learning as much as you can about addiction. The effects of others drinking on us are truly astounding, i had no idea how much until I walked thru the doors myself...thanks and hope you keep coming back ...:)
To add to what others posted, I have come to realize that addicts can get nasty and lash out to hurt when they are hurting or when they are about to hurt themselves (drinking, etc). It is not rational. So, trying to get inside their head, figure out why, or absorbing nasty statements is hurtful to me because doing so has me dwelling in a bad place with no real resolution.
Keep coming back- this program works and brings about positive changes for ourselves.
Bambina...sometimes my wife makes very hurtful remarks like the one you mentioned....I've come to wonder if she does it on purpose to get me to strike back so she can then feel justified in whatever feeling of pain or whatever she blames on me. If I dont' respond, she can't blame me. It's hard and I don't like my daughter to see or hear these things. My daughter doesn't like us to fight, but she has also said to me "it's not fair...mommy (says, does) something and you just take it." I asked her if she's rather I respond, thus igniting a fight and she doesn't want that....but I think she needs to hear that I'm not accepting these attacks...so I try to display that they are not acceptable without starting a fight over it.
You've got a tough road ahead but we are all here for each other and there are things you can do to make life better for yourself.
We are the collateral damage of this disease. I couldn't have worded it better myself. Acholoics/addicts ( A's ) first of all are experts at turning thier behavior around on others. They will always find or make up an excuse for thier drinking. And any excuse will do. Blaming others for thier drinking is beyond common....they will say things that make the other person think they are not good enough. Don't clean the house good enoug, don't cook good enough etc whatever they can think of to take the blame off themselves and pu it on to others. My son is an addict. He is a bright, talented, humorous, loving person...then the drugs took hold and there were somedays in his head I couldn't even breathe correctly so he needed to go out and get high. I will tell you you will never ever come before your husbands addiction, booze will always come first and foremost. I am sure he loves you as much as his disease will allow but that isn't much. This is a progressive disease, it gets worse until or if the person hits bottom and seeks help. Until then yes we are collateral damage,\ As others have suggested please find meetings in your area or join us here online. I promise if you work the program things will become better for YOU. There is nothing we can do for the alcholoic. And trust me we have tried everthing just as I suspect you have to get through to him. The only one who can change your husband is himself and his HP. But you don't have to suffer in the meantime. Working this program will show you a different way to live even if you stay in the marriage as many do. Blessings to you
My XABF and current ABF are both recovering alcoholics, and when both of them had formed the intent to relapse they would start ridiculous fights over inconsequential things and make incredibly wounding remarks that were really out of character. I used to take it to heart until I saw the pattern, and then it seemed to me that they were quite deliberately making sure they pushed me away, so they could proceed on their course of action -- drinking -- with no worries about my interference.
Doesn't make it any easier to participate in, however; those closest to us are the ones best able to find our weak spots and manipulate us.
I found the emotional rollercoaster exhausting. That's when I decided to try Al-Anon. The first glimmer of hope came from learning the phrase, "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it". Hearing that it wasn't my fault was so freeing.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
The first thing you have to learn is that an alcoholic will do and say anything to get the attention off of themselves and hurting you is usually the easiest way to do that . I know it hurts but it is just booze talk learn to ignore it if you dont react he will stop learn to walk away . starting an argument is an old familiar trick the alcoholic uses - we react and then they have a reason to go drink .. heis only doing what works for him .. he hurts you u back off he gets drunk. The only advice I can give is to take care of you , go to as many meetings as possible ,protect yourself and your finances u dont have to go down with him . this is a progressive disease and he is the only one that can stop it . Get your focus back on you and your needs .. Louise
To all of you: Your input and words of encouragement are priceless, I can't thank you enough for it. I'm trying to stay positive and hopeful, trying.. But he is his worst enemy and I miss my husband, I want the man I met back. At this point I don't even know if I fell for him or fell for his BS. I think I'm slipping into depression. I have no knowledge as if alcohol and verbal/emotional abuse go hand on hand? He's gone really far with hurtful words. Today he's trying to reach me to come back home..wow.. sure, now that our money it's been spent, rent unpaid, holiday weekend gone... how convenient. I'm trying to be supportive and keep hope but living with an AH is like having a walking ticking time bomb at home. To be honest, I feel emotionally unavailable. Has anyone felt this way and then able to stay and make it work? Thank you again.
Hey Bambina... I started a thread on that very subject "making it work." Needed to hear some positive outcomes and how people got there. Hope the responses help you too.
You can find it here: http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?aBID=42727&p=3&topicID=38078770
I'm sorry you are spending the long weekend this way. Which brings me to thinking about "choices". I too spent many weekends and Holidays alone, until I didn't. I started to attend Alanon meetings and found I could choose not to sit alone. I guess after many years of it, I never asked myself why I'm sitting alone while he's doing whatever. I chose to plan things to do and kept myself busy. It makes it much more tolerable. In a Alanon meeting I found someone who had much the same circumstances as I. We became fast friends and made our own mini weekend bucket list of things we wanted to do. We had a blast doing them and it was so much more fun then self imposed solitary confinement.
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
