The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm well aware over reaction really affected me in every area of my life. By doing a 4th step I can see that I was always in over reaction to the ex A. Even these days I can still be raging and raving about what he did rather than what I thought. The thought came before the deeds and the staying and the tantrums. During the summer (and there were many of them) he was off on his binges for days on end. He cloaked that with he was working non stop and thriving. When he came "home" he was crashing and of course when he came home I was absolutely livid. Raging at a crashing addict is not a great choice but in over reaction I made no choices I simply let it all out. Of course, whatever he did, I took his actions all very personally and saw them as an emblem of my worth. I craved togetherness (which was not possible for him and objectively probably not for me either). I craved a relationship which I had set up in my head as ideal. The overeactions were in relation to that relationship rather than an objective one the one I had with the out of control addict who could not stop using. Objectively I had many many cues that the ex A was not capable of relating he had been to jail for drugs, all his relationships included drugs, he had lost jobs over drugs...the list goes on and on. As I could only be in over reaction I was not able to acknowledge that except on a "how could you" level or a desperate "this relationship can't all have been for nothing". When he disappointed me which was by the hour I raged and raved not about the addict but about the person he was supposed to be because I had decided that was the relationship I needed. I screamed and cried about that relationship rather than the one I had enabling an addict to keep on going no matter what.
Over reacting in many areas of my life is a real issue. Of course I have many triggers and to some respect I have to work through those (not merely acknowledge them). At the same time on many many levels I have to let go of the relationships I set up and be in acceptance of the objective ones I have. The grieving is not for the situation it is for the relationships I never had in the first place.
I screamed and cried about that relationship rather than the one I had enabling an addict to keep on going no matter what.
The grieving is not for the situation it is for the relationships I never had in the first place.
Maresie.
Dear Maresie
What an insightful post. Over reacting demanding a relationship that should have/ could have been but NEVER was!!! WOW.
You have described my pre alanon coping tools and weapons. Denial of the reality of the actual situation and the Pretending in my mind that things were fine and that everything would work out then:
The complete melt down Over Reaction when my unrealistic expectations were not met!!!
Your post also reminded me of my feelings about who I was etc. I always thought that I was a quick thinker because I reacted instantly to situations and never stopped to think. The truth is that I was not Thinking at all I was Reacting.
Like you suggested , by Re Acting I was held prisoner to everyone else's thoughts and ideas, because I feed off their actions.
Alanon taught me not to ever React but to ACT and then Respond. Act, Respond two very powerful words that I did not understand before this program .
I hear your acting and responding in many of your posts and see that you have learned the important difference
Maresie...I relate. I was professional grade at over reacting...nuclear power, over the top, "we have a liftoff" into orbit over reaction. It was masterful, great, ominous, powerful, sinsiter and sick. I lost a lot of brain and body cells over reacting not to mention many relationships. For me the solution came right in that little 3 second or however long a pause between what set me off and the reaction. It was in that 3 second period of time that I find my HP and ever since then when I start to get set off and before I react it enter that 3 second period of time and focus upward asking the question, "what do you see that I need to do here and how do you want me to do it?" Often times the solution is just "Don't react"...do nothing just accept.
Maresie, I really identify with your disappointment in your relationship. I too crave having a real "Partner" instead of an adversary. I long for tenderness and affection...and never get it from my wife.....quite the opposite at times. I'm just starting out again with all this but I feel so desperate that I will literally take any alanon advice I can find right now.....so I keep working the program, or trying to at least.
The truth is that I was not Thinking at all I was Reacting.
