The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to another meeting last night.....it was...well...it didn't hurt...I realize that things don't get fixed in one meeting. And while I know we shouldn't compare, I certainly heard of far worse troubles than I have. Grudgingly I had to admit I had much to be grateful for. I realize the temptation to take things for granted is there, but there are many things in my life which I need acknowledge.
But there is still this pain inside. There is always the feeling of being "broken" and surely that feeling is backed up by the unhappiness in my life.
I know I can be grateful for somethings...but what do I do with the bad stuff. What do I do with the feeling that I have to deal with crap that a) I feel I don't deserve and b) that it seems few other people have to deal with.
I've been in meetings for years (just not lately) so again I know how lucky I am in other areas...but when do I get "normal"...when do I feel normal, when is my life going to be normal, when will my wife be normal, when will my neurotic and strange part of me be normal......
I'm sorry to go on with this stuff...but it feels so hard to reconcile the idea that my life is so much worse than it should be. My marriage is horrible (I know I have some fault here but even if I was perfect, my wifes unresolved issues are terrible and create constant tension and chaos), despite working 2 jobs, I barely can pay the bills (actually I can't, I'm in debt) so there is never extra money to do things I'd like to do in life that might actually bring me some joy or satisfaction. My job is OK, but certainly not fulfilling....it doesn't bum me out, but I get nothing out of it.
I can shut my eyes to the bad stuff and only focus on the good, but is that realistic? Does it even work? I mean, doesn't the bad stuff have to be made better????
I am learning that at least focusing on good stuff, helps me not to feel as down. It's good to realize there are good things in my life. Are there enough good things to outweight the bad? I don't know yet..... Can I be happy no matter what's going on around me....I know Alanon says I can find happiness whether the alcoholic is drinking or not....(or substitute any other problem in there).
I know there are people out there who are (or claim to be) happy, even though their lives are extremely difficult. How do you not feel sad about the bad stuff? How can you be happy if you feel sad? Is it possible to delude myself so well that I'll feel good no matter what?
Wow.... so many questions - it sounds like you are really struggling with it all at the moment.... Early recovery (for us) IS very confusing, and there are no black & white answers to it all.... I will try to share my thought on this, hoping that it might help you....
- there is no "getting there", per se, but there is learning and growth throughout the whole journey.... - you are sicker than you might have once believed, as living around active alcoholism typically causes us to take on many unhealthy behaviors just to cope.... - part of our recovery is to "learn healthy behaviors" and also to "unlearn unhealthy ones" - there are ways to deal with the pain you are speaking of (and don't believe yours is really better, or worse, than others).... one of the healthier ways of "letting go" is the notion of a God-box - whereby you write out those things you want to get rid of, put them in a box, seal it, and (rather formally) "give them away" to your HP - your posts remind me of me - very much of "I want to know everything,and I want to know it NOW, and I want to be all better NOW" (not judging here, but am smiling at the similarities)..... For me, it was an issue of Control - as I was still trying to control everything and everyone around me, including this..... It took me awhile, sometimes I had to "fake it till I make it", but Al-Anon DOES work.... The main thing it did for me was help me regain my sanity to the point that I could make (and trust) rational decisions once again....
Hope that helps..... One Day at a Time is a powerful process - you don't need to know all the answers you are looking for right now - you just need to know what you need to know to survive & prosper for the next 24 hours (or less, if the urgency is there).... In time, with some recovery under your belt, you'll be in a better place to stretch this out further, and eventually make more sound decisions about your future....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
"getting there" is the life long journey you have started. It bothers me when I hear people say " i hear others stories and find I don't have it as bad as alot of them" If you didn't have it bad you wouldn't be here. I hear alot of negative out of you...you have been given excellent experience, strenght and hope in every post you have posted. I am wondering if you are absorbing it. In your next post I would like to see you write a gratitude list instead of a negative list of things. Believe me it will take you a lot longer at this point to make the graitude list than it does to list all the negatives. But really look all around you and see the things you have taken for granted all these years and see if you can find some gratitude. As far as your job, paying bills and all those everyday things well as the song says ( if you are a country music fan) " Sounds like life to me" Maybe one of the first things you can put on your gratitude list is just the fact you are working and bringing home a paycheck while many of us can't find a job. I know it is hard to get into postitve thinking so when you are feeling down give yourself 5 minutes or 10 and have yourself a pity party when the time is up...let go and let god. I really do want to hear that gratitude list from you
I can definitely relate to the financial issues. I know for me the big obstacle to resolving them was to stop beating myself to a pulp that I was in that position.
Al anon tools are not easy to grasp. I am on a real slippery slope if I go into comparison. Life certainly can be difficult and it can see that other people glide through effortlessly. I make a point of acknowledging I don't really know if they do. What's on the outside is not necessarily what's on the inside.
I also used to imagine I was "terminally unique". I had mentally ill parents, grew up in poverty and really struggled. I felt that no one could understand my struggle. In fact they can and do. I had to let go of the unique part. Certainly there are aspects of my life that are very very difficult.
I do think the being grateful part comes from acceptance. I am certainly in a difficult spot, I certainly have a long list of needs. Some days I have no idea how to move forward. What's different is that I'm "willing"to try another way.
I'll go with the slogan "Keep it simple" for now on this one. I came into the program with everything seeming like a problem and all of it attached to me like velcro. To keep it simple I had to work on only one thing, what was wrong with me and not with her, them, it, they and all that other stuff I pointed my finger at and wagged...that is called the Al-Anon handshake...holding everything and body suspect and needed to fix'em all. It was the three fingers pointing back at me that I had to pay attention to. I had to learn how to drop the word "but" from my vocabulary because it was only a hook into one justification after another that I used to stay sick. I had to change my defensive, oppositional defiant attitude to one of perhaps or maybe; "perhaps or maybe" this program can and will work for me, I gonna devote my next 90 days to working it and only it.
Confusion mean't for me that I was trying to seek new solutions with the same mind that entertained old ones that didn't work.
Once again Thanks to Everyone: Canadian Guy - your insights were very helpful....and helpful to know you went through similar early on.
Xeno - list is coming....and you're right...I'm not absorbing it....should I beat myself up over that? I'm trying to absorb...something is getting in the way.
Jerry - keeping it simple and the room for doubt and possibility is something I can handle. Therapist told me I had to start real small, in order to start at all.
Maresie - "willing to try" - I am doing it...just with a lot of kicking and screaming...but I've not quit on any of the things I know I need to do.
No do not beat yourself up over the not asborbing thing. Hey when I got here and started to work the program I fought it every step of the way at first to the point that I wasn't absorbing it....thats why i can relate to your posts. I am hoping you can start absorbing it quicker than I did and i am sorry if i was a little harsh. I just don't want to see you continue to suffer when you have the answers before you. Jerry was absolutly correct... I finally had to just take "one thing at a time" because if I looked at the big picture it totally overwhelemd me and thats what stopped me from making any progress. I want better for you... you deserve it Blessings
When I first started working my program things did not get better for years...sorry to tell you that. They did however get tolerable.
I had to take it at times one second at a time....that was the only way I returned to sanity. Things will come up to test your progress...just remember two things: Let God and Let Go and where there is life there is hope.
I'm trying to absorb...something is getting in the way.