The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks everyone for the thoughts, ideas, sharing and even the KITA's.
I grew up in an alcoholic home and so the effects of Alcoholism (and other dysfuntion) is so deeply ingrained that I cant' think of a time when I wasn't affected.
So the feelings of not being good enough, depression, comparing myself and my life (unfavorably of course) to others and taking no joy in my accomplishments are so deeply entrenched that I worry and wonder if I will ever get over them.
In therapy, as I mourned some of this my therapist discussed the idea of going from the role of a victim to the role of a survivor. I was appalled. Survivor? Is that the best I can do? What about getting "fixed"???? Isn't that why I got involved with 12 step groups, went to therapy etc.? And the best I can do is be a survivor, forever marked, scarred and suffering from my intimacy issue, depression etc. for the rest of my life?
Am I expecting too much? I had dreamed of a day when I would NOT be affected by all these things.
This whole concept really upset me. Then she says that most of us are just survivors of one thing or another. Really? I mean there seem to be plenty of people that go through life never needing therapy or 12 steps or anything and are content, successful and happy. So I'll never be one of them? Holy crap...that sounds pretty depressing to me.
I will post another thread to talk about the recovery piece next. I mean, I have no choice, to wallow in all this will never help me. I know what will help....but I just had to vent. It seems another dream goes down in flames. I never expected to be perfect but I thought I'd at least see major improvement. It feels hopeless if I'm going to struggle to shed blood, sweat and tears for a "slight" improvement. But again what choice do I have?
Unfortunately at this point we can't go back and change the past. So in effect, the best thing we have is "survivor". I'd like to think that when I consider myself a survivor (I am not there yet), I will feel proud, strong and courageous. The negative experiences will be part of the past that helped me grow into the person I am. They will "exist" in my memory, but no longer hurt me. And even if I decide to stay in the marriage and he continues to drink, I will have the power to work around it without it dragging me down to the levels it does now. Does that make sense? When I think of it that way, "survisor" sounds like a badge of honour.
I understand about looking at what other people have and I have often wish for a "boring life" where my hubby and I go to work, raise kids and experience the normal ups and downs of living. I don't know if it is healthy, but when I get in the "grass is always greener" mood, I look towards those people who I would not want to trade places with. example, my best friend who has has an alcoholic husband and a son with serious special needs recently started experiencing serious health issues. A lady in my neighbourhood lost her husband and two children (her entire immediate family) in a horrible car accident. I wouldn't want to trade places with those people for anything...suddenly my situation seems so much brighter than I thought it was.
I am new to this al_anon stuff, but I htink gratefulness plays a big part in it. I have a duaghter with special needs and I am often angry that I need to deal with the AH and the special needs at the same time. If I could take away her problems, I would do it in an instant. However, I am eternally grateful for what her disabilities have taught me. I don't want to sound righteous, but having her has made me a better person in so many ways. Some people out there with the "boring lives" I am jealous of, will never truly understand the magic of a normally-developing child...b/c they don't know what it is like not to have it. I like to believe that every negative experience we have makes us a better person in some way. Maybe stronger, smarter, more patient, caring, forgiving...all those important things God is trying to teach us.
Gosh, I am way too philosophical today! I'll cut it off there!
Everyone enjoy your day and thanks for being there.
Hi, I am a survivor of awful abuse, and abandonment and other such crap as well. I suffer every single day with panic attacks for no reason, depression, social anxiety, PTSD and so on. I have been on medications, I am now off of those except for the occasional trazadone for sleep.... Here is what I learned in the Mental Hospital I was at for suicidal thoughts: Forgiving the past does not mean forgetting it, it means not letting the past control our lives any more. The other thing is, being a survivor is an ok term, but my other favorite thing I have learned is that people that can survive trauma like that in childhood, have something in their brain and bodies that biologically helpful: Resilience. It is actually a genetic thing and if you can come through that kind of stuff, you are resilient and strong. That sounds a whole lot better than survivor doesn't it?
There are times that I have the sorry survivor moments too.
Alanon seems to be all about changing our perspective.
While all of us are life survivors in some sense, I'm learning to be grateful for and define this in a positive way. I have survivorship. (as opposed to the alternative) The negative experiences (geez, can I say that more lightly! lol) are transforming into positive ones. I am noticing that I am able to think and react to get to a certain endpoint from a different angle than those that do not have these life experiences.
I am in the process of rebuilding my life, letting go of my life dreams and creating new ones. This is difficult and scary, especially because I want a certain satisfaction. I do not want to accept the idea of 'just surviving' in life.
I thank GOD for alanon because I will always be affected by the disease of alcoholism
Without meetings, alanon tools, the steps, prayer. meditation I would revert to my old destructive tools of isolation, doing it all myself. Feeling, anger, self pity, resentment and fear
Alanon meetings are my medicine that I must take every day.
I believe that Albert Schweitzer said" The only ones among you who will be truly Happy are those who have sought and found how to serve" I have found a place where I can grow and serve!! I have been attending meetings for over 25 years and my life and attitude have been enriched.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 4th of September 2010 10:18:46 AM
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 4th of September 2010 03:29:15 PM
Hey! The Survivor is the one who wins the prize, remember? I think being a survivor is HUGE! I have experienced significant loss in my life with the death of my parents as a child, a less-than-nurturing upbringing, an A brother, and destruction of my marriage with alcoholism and infidelity. After having a few years of al-anon and counseling under my belt, I can now say that I am proud to be resilient and a survivor, but that certainly is not all who I am. Now, admittedly, it took me a while to get to that point, and I am still working on figuring out what the rest is, but knowing what I have overcome gives me hope and empowerment to move forward.
If you stick with al-anon and your counseling, I promise you will see "major improvement". I know how dreadfully slow or stagnant it can feel, but you will see. You will see the sun again, and while your "story" will always be important and be a part of you, you will develop and come to understand the other beautiful parts of you and your life too.
I am glad that you shared that.
Keep coming back.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Hmmm you may not like this post to much so apologies in advance I too came from a severe addictive/abusive back ground. And yes it clearly affected all my lifes choices and decisions. I always thought of myself as a survior which gave me strenght I never thought of it as a bad thing at all. Even though my choices and decisions were still being made by my sick and affected mind. When I hit the doors of alanon and started working the program an Old timer asked me this question... Are you a victim or a volunteer? Wow talk about being hit between the eyes, I was offened at first and really had to mull that over. I now had the tools and the fellowship of alanon to combat my sick thinking So no more excuses for my own behavior.... no more being a volunteer to the actions of the A's in my life. So my question for you now is Are you a victim or volunteer? Something to ponder and hopefully give you a push to start working the program Blessings
I, too, consider myself a survivor. Abusive older brother, alcoholic mother and alcoholic husband to whom I have been married for over 38 years. Sometimes, when it all becomes too much, I come and vent on this board and am so grateful for the love and support I have received here. I don't have an AlAnon group near me so this board is something of a lifeline. Sometimes I dip below the precipice but mostly I pull myself up and refuse to let it all get the better of me. I am proud to be a survivor. :)
You know I used to go to conferences about child abuse (a long time ago). A doctor there said when you are a survivor of child abuse, your contemporaries are often dead. Many many children do not survive abuse, a lot of people develop mental illnesses and they never ever get to a normal life. So I do disagree with you abour surviving not being much. Surviving is incredibly hard when you grow up so disadvantaged. Of course it is an incredible struggle, of course you have to internalize your parents on some level as there were all you had.
I've spent decades on this work. When I first went to a therapist I thought it would be 10 years, it has been three times that! I am still "surviving". I used to berate myself for that but now I know its pretty good to get to "survive" at all.
I don't have a magic want to let you know when happiness comes. I do know I experience glimpses of it. My happiness is ironically about being able to accept where I am instead of constantly being fed up that I'm not further along.
I also grew up in an alcoholic home, probably should have sought therapy a long time ago lol. I believe my mum is a survivor in a big way because of me...how many times I saved her life when she tried to hang herself, how many times i put the chair back under her feet...I blamed all this on my stepdad. I am proud to be a survivor...think about what the alternative is? For a while I blamed everything on my stepfather (victim mode). I always wanted to continue at school but he didnt see the sense in it me being a girl and probably ending up pregnant anyway (his words!!) LOL...so when I got my first job and a car I went back to school and finished high school as a mature age student, with high enough marks to be admitted into 3 different universities for a bachelor of science! Unfortunately I moved out of home as soon as I had my own money at 18, so trying to pay for uni was a bit beyond my financial capability at the time. But that wasnt the point anyways..I just wanted to know I could do it and prove him wrong. I always wanted to do martial arts growing up....my alcoholic stepfather didnt encourage anything that had to be paid for...so extracuricular sports and other activities were done in secrecy...I played netball for years and he never knew cos it was when he was at work...when I was 18 and free from it all, I joined a martial arts dojo...at the time my stepfather laughed and told me I couldnt kick my way out of a paper bag!!!! LMFAO!!! Well...I showed him..I worked my butt off and became the ladies full contact champion for my state...by that time though he and my mum split for the final time..YAY!!! He heard about it though through the grapevine...funny his own son was allowed to do judo and he only ever got to yellow belt which is nothing..but they used to brag about it. And then I meet another Alkie and get sucked in all over again...but one thing I have learnt is that there is nobody to blame but myself this time ...nobody else..and I will learn from this and grow stronger. Heres to all the survivors out there...
You know what helps me? Whenever I feel like I am falling into "victim mode"which i really detest...I find a good book about someone elses journey...I love true real life books some that have helped me are "10 thousand sorrows"by Elizabeth Kim...read that ladies life story great book!! and trust me you will read it and cry but she is a survivor and she has remained positive throughout her whole ordeal, it makes you smile at the end...at 3 yrs old she watched her young mother be a victim of "honour killing"as Elizabeth was a half caste korean...less than an animal in the eyes of her villagers. i have read that book about 5 times..it always helps when i feel low...also Angelas Ashes by frank McCourt..they made that one into a movie..but the movie is nowhere near as good. true stories about other peoples terrible upbringings that the have turned around and become good successful people. My own best friend from the time I was 7 years old...she was a incest victim...kicked out of home by her unbelieving mother at 17 and turned to drugs...joined the army for a new start became a medic and is now earning huge dollars as a medic on an oil rig and has been around the world more than I can imagine..I am so proud of her!!! Be proud to be a survivor, I am. My favourite saying ïs "the best revenge is success and happiness"....oh its so true.
-- Edited by Lizz on Saturday 4th of September 2010 06:50:07 PM
I am a survivor and a lot more!!! I have been married to an AH for 33 years, two children, four grandchildren, and to 2 abandoned dogs. I have a good job that I really enjoy. I have a roof over my head and a vehicle to drive. I like to be positive. I believe everything happens for a reason and I have lots of reasons to wake up tomorrow. The sun, flowers, the scent of the air after a rainfall, a child's laugh, my happy dog, fresh cut wood, a baby's smiling grin, the words "Grandma, I love you" from my grandchildren's lips, clean sheets off the clothesline, I could go on and on. I could feel sorry for myself for all that I have gone through, but I am done with all that. I don't like being a victim or a martyr. Thanks to all of you and my F2F friends, I have found that living is pretty darn good. So, yes, I am a survivor and very proud of it!!! Life is good.
Strive to be the change you'd like to see in yourself. You don't have to fit in anyone's mold. If "survivor" isn't acceptable to you, then go beyond. The only thing that can hold you back, is you.
Believe in yourself and what you can do. Look back but don't stare and above all else, don't live there.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I hear what everyone is saying. I thought I could "fix" my problems. It sounds like I have to learn to live with them? <<sigh>> I'm not sure what "power" i have to improve my life, or my perspective or both. I'll keep doing the things that i'm supposed to do. I won't go on about how hopeless I feel...I'm sure you all "get it" by now. I don't like this feeling, but at the moment I own it. I do know I need to keep going to meetings (went last night), therapy, reading and all that other stuff. I hope I see some changes soon. I'm trying.....
My disease likes to stir up problems in my head. Think about it... it's just a word. But it has the power to shake serenity. I've held lots of negative beliefs about lots of words, and I've had to look at that.
The goal is spiritual progress over what happened yesterday, to keep seeking harmony and my HP... and not allowing my disease to dictate to me, that my world is full of problems.
Happiness is a state of being... not a destination, that I will arrive at some day. It's right now, choosing to drop the negative thoughts and feeling the aliveness in me right now. Sometimes I think that is what life and recovery is all about... just to feel HP's presence.
For me, it takes constant monitoring of my thoughts, lots of meetings, lots of reading, lots of prayer. And that's okay. I've made a decision to recover and to walk a spiritual path. And... I've decided I would go to any lengths to get it.
You are okay, my friend. You are okay. Tell your brain to shut the (bleep) up.
(((hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
How do you live in a state of happiness when bad things are going on around us? It's almost as though we have to have a mind set that "nothing matters" and just not care, then you don't get hurt? That can't be right...what is it then.
It's a disease of perception. My thinking is what labels things as "bad."
Since I am not god, how can I know it's bad?? If it's happening... and I can't do anything about it... rest assured, it probably meant to be happening. For reasons that are not clear to me today, or may never be clear. Until I accept things as they are, I will never find serenity.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Yank you're still a very newbie. In order to have the miracles that many have who responded to, you have to DO what they have Done rather than try to think your way thru or over or around it.
If you have convinced yourself that it is impossible and you just can't do it then there is no one here that can change the mind you arrived with however...If you are willing and are able to keep and open mind and are humble (teachable)...listen, learn and practice the suggestions you get you will attain some of or better the type of survivorship others here are blessed with. Would you like to have the peace of mind and serenity that the responders have? You gotta do what they have done. Do the 90 meetings in 90 days and then comment on it on the last day sorta kinda. If you are not able to do 90X90 do as many as you possible can in that period of time and then inventory the changes in your thinking, feelings, physical well being and your spirit. That will be your new survivor condition.
I think "survivor" is a verb that is full of strength and hope. I am proud to call myself one. Nobody deserves to be abused - but I can't change what happened to me as a child. My abuser is not hurting me at the present. My sponsor told me that I have the ability to decide that I am not going to let the old, bad, negative tapes keep playing in my head so that I can hurt myself with them over and over and over. That's one of my biggest recovery goals - to stay on the recovery path so I can't let my mind get back to the place where everything is negative and old things continue to hurt me.
Since working this program is the only thing that has ever helped me to stop the tapes, I keep coming back.
MJH, I think you might be getting hung up on semantics here.
I think of the term "survivor" as synonymous with "fighter", one who rose above rather than floundered and sank.
Because that's how I see myself. I'm not someone who merely "survived" an alcoholic home growing up sitting atround passively, I somehow mustered up the strength to excel academically and put myself through university, and then to succeed in my career.
Admittedly I carried a lot of those old feelings and behaviours into my adult relationships, but I'm not going to sit back and passively accept that either, I'm going to work my Al-Anon program toward the new improved version of Me.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I have always considered a survivor as someone who has fought, struggled, and prevailed against great odds, won the battle in spite of the circumstances being faced. I only see positive in a survivor as in surviving. The alternative to surviving is "not surviving". I see the glass as half full rather than half empty and always try to look for the positive even if at first look the picture looks negative.
When I read that your therapist referred to you as a survivor I'm sure she was trying to pay you a compliment.
RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 6th of September 2010 12:37:16 AM
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 6th of September 2010 12:39:11 AM
Life is good.
