The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My abf is staying with me now, since his parents kicked him out. He knows if he slips here he will have no where to go. His mom has been to Alanon and the family program at the rehab in Florida where ABF was in July. She knows to not do what she is doing, but she is still doing it. They kicked him out, yet she keeps calling him and yelling at him for what he did, and for not keeping in touch with them. She tries to guilt trip him by saying "What, are you not going to stay in touch with us now? You don't love us anymore?" Its making me crazy, because when she does this, I know its a guilt trip and he thinks she is just being his mom. She is the controlling person in his life. She had control of his bank account, paid all his bills for him, made sure he had a savings account, made sure he was taken care of anytime he did slip. The enabaler.... (I can't spell that word sorry). Anyway, now he is staying here and working hard on getting better. Maybe I shouldn't have let him stay here the last 2 weeks, but he is in much better spirits than at his parents house. Any time he would slip, they would give him the silent treatment, and then scream and yell at him. I know that Alanon says to not do either of those things, but it seems that they are not hearing what they have learned at alanon. The last time we went to his house to pick up some of his clothes, his mom had found a half pint of vodka hidden in his room, so she showed him and then yelled at him while she poured it down the sink! He knows what he was hiding and doing. Her doing that didn't help at all. I think it would be great if they had a break from each other for a long time, but she keeps calling and harrassing him to come and talk to her. I am trying to stay out of it, and just tell him what I have learned in the ACoC and Codependents and Alanon, that it is ok to not have converstations with people when they will end up emotionally charged and crazy. To have those converstations later is ok. I am not trying to advise him. I just say "when I know that my parents are going to be nuts with me, I choose to not talk with them for a while." I think what Alanon has taught me is that you have to take care of you first and if you don't, a slip will happen.... UGh. Thanks for letting me spew into the internet.... ha!
Perhaps its because it her son. I know I would behave differently if it was not ex bf, and was my son with the problem. I might find it a lot harder to detach as it is a different type of relationship.
True. Probably at least part of it. She never did let him go and be himself. She has always done the care taking. With my own sons, I allow them to make decisions and mistakes and take the consequences if there are any. I try to let my 13 year old take the reigns more and more as long as it is decisions he is old enough to make.... Maybe my abf's mom never cut the so-called apron strings?
As the parent of an A I can tell you you can't even imagine the incredible pain she is in. Yes she is an enabler, I was too until I really really embraced alanon. If she has only gone to 1 or 2 meetings dont expect much change....I took me almost 2 years of working the program to be able to be willing to surrender my son to HP. And I have to do it on a daily basis and it is unnatural for a parent to give over power to someone else. Today I can say I am toxic for my son. I know i can start out great in a conversation and then change on a dime trying to take that control back. So cut mom a little slack. She is the one who carried him in her body, and nurtured him, loved him, tried to teach him the right way and had high hopes for him that she now sees going down the drain. It's not about cutting apron strings with this disease. It is seeing your child in such incredible pain that they have to drown it out with booze or drugs that keeps us parents involved knowing in our hearts the person that lyes beneath that disease. Blessings
Have to agree with marie rua and Xeno here. I have an 18 yr old son...you said, your son is 13 may God always allow him to walk the path in the light.
There is no greater pain for a mom than to watch a child suffer. We all deal with it in our own ways....maybe she just wants to know that her son is safe and sober or maybe she just wants to hear his voice!!!!!!!!
You are right, al anon teaches us to take care of ourselves. I would go with your instinct to stay out of it, your serenity is too important to get in the mix and triangulate in his relationship with his mother. If you are losing your serenity, you have to see your part in that.
I was told there are 3 kinds of business. Things are either my business, another person's business, or God's business. His relationship with his parents is none of your business, it's his problem. While it may be very frustrating to watch, our goal is to watch our own behavior, to make sure we are not judging... since you are not his mother, you simply don't know what it's like to walk in her shoes, the poor woman is watching her son fight a fatal disease. Program teaches love and tolerance. I always find myself pointing at ego issues, only to find that it's holding a mirror for me, I am doing the same. But hey, before the program, I didn't know. Thank God for the program because now... I can be the change I want to see in the world.
(((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 6th of September 2010 07:59:55 AM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
