The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In dealing with my son's addiction, I find I am a both. I try and control him yet I am a doormat at times giving in to him. Before Al-Anon I had no awareness of either so I have learned some things there.
I too am both. But I am learning that I don't have to be either. If I try to control my abf, he only goes and drinks/uses anyway. If I be the victim, he still goes and uses/drinks anyway. I know that neither help so why be either one? That said, its easier said than done. I slip just as often as he does, but I am not physically sick the next day and he is. I take each day as it comes now. I cannot dwell on the past of how I used to behave, or think of the future in "what ifs".... I can only live today and try to make the best decisions for today.... Thanks!
I'm both as well and it's a double edged sword. I cant control the chaos my wife causes in the home, but I feel have to try something to protect my daught as much as possible. Being a doormat? I feel that way, every time I don't start a fight over some outrageous things she's done.
I do believe anyone living with the disease of alcoholism , without any alanon tools are both a controller or a doormat
This disease is deadly and dangerous In order to survive it a sane person, without alanon tools, would try to control the insanity by giving orders or by being manipulative and giving in. This behavior then becomes destructive and we become sick and see no other way.
Alanon tools helped me to detach, understand the nature of alcoholism and MAKE CHOICES as to how I wanted to respond.
Thank GOd for alanon and this Board
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 4th of September 2010 03:26:04 PM
I was neither, what we are as spouses of an alcoholic are provokers. I was the provoker. Whether I wanted to be or not. Thats the position that was thrust upon me.
I dealt with the alcoholic and the bizarre behavior as best as I could. Worked the program to the best of my ability. I chose to separate myself from the Alcoholic and that has been the best course for me.
My life has improved immensely when I decided It was not my job to deal with the constant drama.
In my life I have been a doormat....however, I may have thought I was controlling but the fact is if I could control there would be no addiction....food for thought.
Very good inventory question. Since the situation was "all about me" doormat and controller had everything to do about me manipulating my alcoholic toward my way of seeing and doing things. When I doormatted is was to placate her so that maybe she would cooperate and do the same for me. When I was controling I wasn't waiting for her to cooperate...I was attempting to force my will on her and others. That is what insanity was partly about for me...getting my way whatever way I could. None of it worked. It still doesn't. Life isn't about me getting my way. It's more about being fair, honest and just in all of my affairs. I gonna sit and learn some more now. (((((hugs)))))
