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I have been married 3years and 8 months. I knew him for 3 years before that... things were always bad... we fight all the time over the silliest of things.. in the past 6 months i have refused to give in to every little thing and it has gotten worse.. every time we fight he takes off and goes out to party with his friends.. last month.. we had a fight and he just took off.. he didn't come back for 12 days.. and when he got back - not a word about the fight and why he took off.. it has been only 4 days since he's back- we had a fight yesterday again and to my surprise he didn't come home last night...
i have spent 6 years with him letting go of fights and being the one to make up.. I need to know.. when have I had enough? Is it too soon for me to consider a divorce? I am 25 years old.. I was married at 22.. and I don't know what to do..
I know that is a seemingly magical question. "When have I had enough?"
I asked myself that many times when I was living with active Alcoholism. The answer never seemed like it was going to come, and when it did it wasn't the one I thought it would be.
In Al-Anon we don't give advice. The answer to a question like that has to be only you will know when you have had enough.
I heard a speaker one time who was in a relationship that he was questioning daily if he should remain in. What he did was pray about it every morning.
He would ask his Higher Power something like this.... Please HP, if it be your will, let me know today if I am to stay in this marriage, or if I should get out of this marriage. But if it be your will for me not to know the answer today, then leave me not knowing.
His answer came to him eventually too.
In the mean time while you are waiting, if you are not already, I would recommend getting to Al-Anon meetings and reading our literature. The growth this program offers is a fabulous aid to making decisions and getting those answers to the hard questions in our life.
(((This to shall pass))) Only you know the answer to your question. Look deep into your soul and you will find your answer. I have been married 33 years (today!) and I have asked myself that very question several times. I have not been ready yet and today things are very good. Tomorrow waits for tomorrow. Do you truly love this man? Does he give you true happiness? Does the thought of him NOT being there make you horribly sad? Can you imagine life without him? Would you BE happier without him? These are just a few of the questions that I ask myself when I am troubled. I hope that you find the answers that you seek. I think you already know your answer, you just have to be ready to face them. Wishing you peace....
This too, thank you for your post. The only esh I can share on this question is that...if you wonder what your life will look like with this man, look at what your life looks like now and there you have it. If they dont get better, they get worse. And so do we. I assume you dont have to make any grand decision today, so pray for your HP to guide you. Blessings :) and pleae keep coming back ...thank you !
Thank you both.. It was truly amazing to read what you had to say..
Yes.. I do truly love him.. I an NOT ready to leave.. it's just that i'm with him and yet he isn't with me- that's what it feels like right now.. I am repeatedly getting tempted by the thought of having my own life and he doesn't respect me at all.. that's what I'm finding hard to live with.. His words- his behavior and the fact that he will do only what eh wants- doesn't matter what i feel.. 'i'll do my thing and you do your own thing' this is what he says repeatedly..
My alcoholic father died on my 10th birthday and I have been trying to me a mature adult since that age... I had no demands and tried to make life as easy as possible for my mother and younger brother - (not sure if my mom feels the same of course
So it's just that I feel it's my turn to be the kid now.. to be pampered.. to be spoiled with silly things like flowers and gifts.. and not to be hurt so much..
well.. I guess I have centered my entire life around him and maybe making a few friends of my own (those who are only my friends and not common friends) should help.. thank you again.. and keep writing to me.. it's nice to have people to talk to.. yes I do go for al anon meets once a week... it's been a few months.. i'm sure things will be better.. at least i'll know what I want..
Only you will know. In my situation, I left my abusive husband this past spring because I finally had enough. It was the hardest thing to do, but I did it. Now I live on my own, and have no money, but I am much happier. I was married twice and I am 35. Age does not matter. You have to take care of you :)
Alanon is teaching me to learn to trust MYSELF. So, your question..."how will you know"...well, you have two options right? Stay, or leave. If you stay, then accept the situation EXACTLY as it is, because, as I am learning here...it is CAUSED by you, you didn't create it and you cannot CONTROL it. Something like that... it's how I firgure out sometimes the third step...did I cause it, can i control it? Nope...always nope.
Learn tot rtust yourself...by coming to these meetings and getting some perspective from other folks who have been in simlar shoes to yours. No one's experiences are exactly the same...but you wil meet some who have come out the other ened from perhaps even more tenuous situations, and you will see that 1- nothing in life is impossible 2- you are perfectly imperfect and can do ANYTHING you set your mind to.
I promise. Keep coming back. Focus on YOU. It REALLY works!
I believe if we dont face our patterns, we are doomed to repeat them. Work on you, work your program to the best of your ability. Dont be the one to "make up"- dont go to him to smooth it over - that is us focusing on them and attemtping to appease them.
If he is that upset, he ought to tell you. Of course,t hey will try to blame you, hoping u buy all of their guilt, let him have it. Practise loving detachment and allow him the dignity to solve his own life.
I too am acoa, and was always trying to distract others, make them laugh or take away their burden. Then we get over burdened and resentful bc we arent living for us.
Life is short and we get one chance in life. Do u want to keep staring at soemone else - all that does is take you away from you. Right now u can do something productive for you. Do something that allows you to feel better aobut your life/situation.
I thought in my fantasies taht someone would come rescue me and take me out of my misery. That doesnt happen. If we look to others for validation, we will never be fulfilled. It has to come from within, happiness and peace are inside jobs.
If u want a new project to rescue - fix and rescue you. You will be self empowered and rescued. Besides, we dont resent us for our hard work, we love it and its good for us. Take care of YOU, whatver that looks like. The more you focus on you, your true needs (versus wants/fantasies) and surrendering to HP - u will begin to see more choices and thihngs will get clear. If u dont know what to do - dont make a decision. I have found that simply not sabotaging things - allowed them to be worked out naturally.
Think about some boundaries that maybe you could exercise for you. I know it helped me turn my life around in the hugest way! Take your time, there is no rush for anything. Allow you to unfold and be kind and gentle along the way. tc
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Aloha Ar...For me although leaving was default thinking; divorce, run away and find someone else and all that traditional stuff which didn't work for me when I did it, my HP had another plan for me with a whole difference set of perspectives and attitudes.
Leaving for my HP was getting Jerry F into the face to face rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups and HP did that so cunningly. Master Trickster and that is what it took. Once in the rooms I was there to leave my problem and to learn how to leave it behind me. I learned that my problem was me and my only solution was a God of my understanding. Actually that understanding was pretty void as I was to come to learn and experience much much more as I kept coming back so that I would not leave home without the solution. Once the alcoholic was out of the picture I had to face the one person that was always in the picture no matter what the problem was and that person was me...always me; different others and still ME!!
Leaving mean't changing me and when I could do that, following all of the suggestion as best I could (that took many "one" days at a time") I was able to leave the alcoholic for the right reasons. Marrying an alcoholic is not a marriage made in heaven. It isn't even a marriage made in sanity...not good realistic thinking and choosing. I would never get from that marriage what I thought a good marriage would give and there were thoughts, feelings and behaviors of my own that just went past that reality. I actually married the alcoholic while at the same time ready to tell her I didn't want to have her in my life any longer. I have a doing problem. I don't do the right thing for myself even after all the mind, body, spirit and emotion cues.
I left the alcoholic after several years in recovery and then an inventory of how I got into the marriage in the first place. When I told my sponsor that I had made a very bad mistake for me and for her (she did suffer from alcoholism and my reactions to it) my sponsor said that "recovery means being able to correct bad mistakes or undo them" and that is when I left entirely. When I left entirely and my interference was gone my alcoholic met her Higher Power and got sober and thru the steps and our individual programs we came to love each other without any reason to be married.
You know when you cannot take anymore when you stop doing what you've been doing and go do something others have been doing that have given them what you wanted. It's time to leave everytime you feel your HP tap you on the shoulder to take you where HP wants you to be. My HP wants me in peace of mind and serenity. That's what you want right? (((((hugs))))) in support.
when I got here I had the same issue. I felt awful that I had "stayed" in a relationship which didn't work. I was overwhelmed.
I think good decisions are made with a clear head. I don't know any better way than employing some of the al anon tools, detachment, focus on myself and work a program with a sponsor.
My suggestion would be to do that irregardless of what your partner is doing. Then make the decision.
Oh Bettina, I had to chuckle.... My AH used to do that ALL the time. The last time he did it, he was in Rehab and couldn't walk out the door, so he hung up on me. That is when I finally got it. It is not allowed anymore. If there is a problem, we have to sit down and talk about it rationally. It is part of our "recovery" plan. I hadn't thought about it for some time. But, it is true, it WAS an excuse to walk out the door....
Boy do I wish I could answer your question but have learned that I cannot do that anymore the decission to leave or stay is yours and yours alone . Please find some meetings in your area and attend for a few months before makeing a life alterting decission you may regret later. learn all u can about this disease of alcoholism and how it has affected your life . there will come a time when u won't have to ask this question you will KNOW when its okay to stay in this relationship or when its time to go .. Al-Anon will show u how to take care of yourself in middle of insanity to keep the focus on yourself and your needs . He will do what he has to do nothing you say or do will make him stop this is his problem to fix ..there is always hope especially for you .. Louise
You are so young, so inexperience at life. I can sure understand you have no idea how wonderful things can be.
My question to myself would be,"what makes me believe I deserve this kind of treatment?"
You don't deserve this. His disease is killing you what makes you allow it?
For me I found I was so, so, so, million times happier, even if I was living alone than to live in the turmoil you are in.
How do you feel when he is gone? I know it must be horrible. Myself, I would consider it abandonement, change the locks, bag up his stuff, take it to his parents, friends where ever and that would be that.
OF course it hurts, no one wants a divorce. However this disease makes us sick too. We cannot think normally. Myself I would keep him away, go to al anon every day, go to counseling, do nice things for me.
Make sure he cannot get back in, until if and when you are going to try again. Which most do.
I am so glad you are here honey. It is so hard. Please think about how it would be if you had kids. Also please be careful, he could easily be cheating and you don't want to end up with some deadly problem.
Oh wow, this sounds so much like my relationship with my ABF that ended just on 2 months ago...and yes I agree with Bettina sometimes I think mine started arguments just to go on a bender..YOU do deserve better girl and theres a whole wide world out there as I am slowly starting to rediscover... we put our on lives on hold while we are wondering where they are what they're doing who they're with etc...not to mention the stress and anxiety...at the time I was devastated when my relationship fell apart and I am still upset and hurt and I do miss him....but really.... if I am truly honest with myself I have to admit that it was always "broken" and there was nothing I could do to fix it. Its hard I know, I loved and still do love him and I know that he loves me but sometimes the love they give us well its not really the way that we want to be loved...Respect...you shouldnt have to ask for it... : (
That is when I