The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've heard some speak very eloquently about how it has taken them so long to dig out of their relationship with their A. I think I'm learning all about this and then some. I'm learning how very bad it had become and how very deep I am and how very long it will take me to dig out....
I've been separated from the exaH for nearly 2 years. We've flirted with reconciliation at times. Never successfully. He had claimed sobriety, but I never knew to believe him or not. My intuition told me he was not sober. But he was convincing and living apart made it quite easy for him to sell his story, because I had no physical proof otherwise. Just a gut that would always tell me I was being conned. And an exaH telling me I was crazy. So many times I turned my back on my gut, believing my exaH.
Three weeks ago I stopped in unexpectedly to find my exaH drunk, while being in custodial role of our 6 yr old son. I packed up our son and headed home. ExaH and I have not talked since, except for me to say I would not be having anymore to do with him.
I'm having some health issues. I'm sure I'll be fine, but as a Mom, I need to know that my son would be cared for if I were not around. I've been terribly scared that legally my son would go with his father. I've felt it necessary to write up my wishes otherwise, explaining why that arrangment would not be adequate given my exaH's addiction problem and overall inability to live a responsible life. I wrote this out and left it in my kitchen. When exaH came by to drop something off, while I wasn't home, he found this letter of mine.
I got an email tonight telling me that he relinquishes all rights to our son, he never wants to see him again, never wants to talk to him again, that I can move on, as far as anything goes my son's father is dead, and that's exactly what I want, there I go.
My heart is broken. Completely and utterly broken and shattered to bits. For so many reasons. First, my son. He doesn't deserve this. And from his father? How can a child not take that personally? How do I explain to my son that his father has decided to not have anything to do with him? I feel like I need to barf...
And how does a man, who claimed to love me, love our family, do this? I think of the regret he will have one day, whether it be here with the living or beyond. He will have so much regret when he knows the truth. When he is able to realize how much I loved him. How much I wanted to be with him. How much I wanted this family. How amazing a family he had and gave up on. He will have so much regret. How could he not?
Anyone see Eat Pray Love? The scene where the Texan reveals his truths about his drinking and driving his wife and 8 yr old son away. That now 10 yrs later, he understood she had no other choice. I balled. And balled. And balled. THAT will be my exaH one day. And there will be no chance to turn back the clock. There will be no way to get these years back.
I hate this disease. I hate what it has done to him. I hate it. HATE it. HATE it.
Please destroy that email before your son sees it , it was written to hurt you and it has done its job .. You had already made a decission about your sons care if you should not be able to be here .. husb ego was smashed a little when he found your letter and the truth does hurt he knows that the letter was true and instead of getting real he got even .. Booze talk is BS . keep the focus on yourself you need to keep your son safe u did what u thought was right . Louise
I need to know from others that I'm doing the right thing. That I'm okay. That I'm headed in the right direction. I need that support. And I'm thankful to have this place.
Wow, Rora. Your story sounds similar to mine. I feel the same way you do. My heart is broken as well. He can't take care of our 18 month old baby by himself. He knows it too. But he would never admit it. He would rather get even with me because hurting people hurt others, especially ones close to them. As abbyal stated that his ego was smashed, my ah's ego has been smashed a little now that he has reailized I am not sitting here waiting for him to get sober, but moving on with my life. Today he told me that he wasn't good enough for me and that I was better than him. He was trying to make me feel bad for wanting and starting to achieve some stability and serenity in my life. It is like a competition for him. He can' t just be happy for me. My well being and happiness poses a threat to him, who has to use every day all day just to maintain his life. He thought I would just live with it or overlook it, and when I didn't, I became the "snob" that wouldn't have anything to do with him. Anyway, I am so glad I saw your post. Things will get better. I find that for me, praying for my husband helps me to get my mind off him and move on to other things.
PS, my gut always told me too, but I ignored mine too!!!!!!!!
Kath
-- Edited by kath on Thursday 2nd of September 2010 09:08:32 PM
I'm not a Mom but I was a MR. Mom from the time my children were ages 8 and 12. My x-wife was not and alcoholic or a bad woman, never the less she chose to move two states away after our children let her know they preferred to live with their Dad. I felt the same feelings you are feeling, worrying about my two children living their childhood years without a Mother figure in their life. As any father I made them my top priority. I didn't date for three years after our divorce. I worked in my business all day, came home, put on my panties and became MR. Mom. They might have been without a Mom, but they were not without a Dad who gave them unconditional love. I wouldn't take a million dollar for those years. My daughter who is grown now manages a leading bedding store. She tells everyone a different story. She says she raised me. LOL
So Rora don't be concerned with with a choice your AH has made whether it be temporary or permanent. What is important is for you to take the bull my the horns and be there for them when they need you. Make sacrifices and raise them right with the help of your HP. I called on HP many times and he was always there standing by my side and he will be there for you. My favorite verse in the Good Book is "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it". So don't be concerned with what they might miss by not having a father figure in their life, concentrate on what you have to give. That's your job. Take it serious, give them all the love they deserve and you and your children will be the better for it.
Start today putting the focus on yourself so you can be the best Mother you can be. Al-Anon is a program that works in all our affairs. Raising children in a one parent home is certainly not and exception. Get incolved an stay involved in this program and your children will be fine........and so will their Mother.
I concur with a lot of the answers and believe too that this was to get even not to get real. His choices are his choice. I do know that you did the right thing by removing a child from his drunken care. If he drove while with your child, he could be dead. Your son is only six, your ex- A is an adult. Your care could be questioned of your son by leaving him with a known addict. People don't take too kindly to this kind of thing any more. He is a sick man who needs your prayers but you have take care of your son and yourself. Stay strong and make the decisions you need to make when you can. He has no rights financially to relinquish his support. They are your sons rights for that support. Whether or not your son will benefit from being around someone with unarrested alcoholism is another matter and one you are more than fit to decide.
Oddly enough, I was able to sleep last night. I was surprised. I prayed hard for my exaH and asked HP to please care for us all.
Just when I thought exaH's bottom couldn't get any lower - it did. But I know this is not my issue. I know I don't own this. I know it does hurt me and will hurt my son's heart. He loves his Daddy very much, unconditionally and with certainty. My heart breaks for my child. But I don't own this.
It will be what it will be. Even if it hurts and is sad. And in the wise words of a close friend I will "keep calm and carry on".
I believe that email was sent to hurt and shock you into backing down from your decision. Likely you EX didn't really mean what he said he is hurt and trying to hurt you back. I would take a step back and let things be for a while and I think your EX will change his tune once he sees he is not going to get the reaction from you he is looking for, I am sure he loves his son as much as his disease will allow. Remember it is the disease talking to you not the man behind the drink Blessings
It took me a long time and many hurts incurred to realize that when an alcoholic is active, you cannot listen to his rhetoric. Sometimes we would have the most heated discussions, with him telling me unbelievable cutting remarks about everybody, my daughter included, my family, whom he loved dearly when sober. Most times they cant even remember where they were, much less what they said.
As the disease progresses the attitude and the alcoholic rhetoric get worse. What its called is "self loathing" . I found myself wanting to loath myself too, that I need to play victim. Oh, poor , poor pitiful me. How could he say those things to Me, Mother Teresa!!
Well, I stopped the Mother Teresa role and got strength thru this program. We have to stop needing so much validation from another person, even the spouse. Who cant even stop hating himself. I think its helpful to go to an AA meeting, which I have been to many. Although it was challenging, because why would we want to be around more alcoholics, but I must say it helped. We need to stop reacting to twisted and hurtful things they say. Never listen to words, always look at the action. Meanwhile Rora, concentrate on you and living strong and working your program. Never give up.
Rora the disease loves to do that kinda bs talk. It loves to threaten to kill himself, drive off a cliff, quit their job, no one loves me, you are crazy blah blah blah.
That is what it is, blah. I learned to ignore it. When did an active A do anything they said they would or would not do?
I am going to leave! I am going to not come home.
OH WELL, they are controlled by the disease anyway.
Louise is right, the disease cut you up, exactly the goal. When we learn to realize it is NOT the person we love who is talking, we ignore this insane behavior.
ONE day at a time. I know where you are, my sons father was never there. Even when he was sober he ignored his son. He was and is too ashamed to face him. My son has no feeling for him at all. He does not care that he is sick. He feels that is not an excuse.
It is horribly painful for us. But we cannot save our kids from everything. All we can do is be the best people we can, and teach them how great they are and they have OUR love.
Good for you for not allowing a drunk person any using person to be around your kids. I have a thing about people who let their spouses watch the kids when they are under the influence. I always ask if they would allow a drunk babysitter sit with the kids
Glad you are here. I can see you are a very loving intelligent person. Your son will go by your lead. I know, I loved my AH so very much too. His disease took everything from him and his family and he allowed it.
Maybe in time, like me, you will find peace and so will your son.
