The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My baby and I spent a couple of hours today at the park with my AH. I did not bring up any issues. We were having a nice time and then suddenly out of the blue he asks me if I still want to be married to him. Instead of screaming and yelling and crying at him I calmly told him that I would not continue to live with him as long as he used drugs. He tried his old tricks, trying to turn things around on me. He sent messages to me saying that I was expecting him to be perfect and that he was not good enough for me. He said nobody really wants to have anything to do with the real him. He said that all he was was a problem to me, and why couldn't I understand that, and how many times would I tell him that he was not good enough for me before I finally got it. Anyway, I was feeling pretty down, but I am okay now. I called my sponsor, and I am now typing this. I hurt for him, yet I realize I cannot change him. It scares me to realize he may never get better. He sounds like he is severely depressed. He also said he realized that I have moved on and he will never think of us again. I guess that could have been my cue to end this marriage, yet I have no clear direction yet from my Higher Power ,whom I choose to call God, of when. I do have clear direction: Wait. Which is essentially going forward with my life, and continue praying for my AH, and I will know what to do when God is ready for me to. I sadly admit that there are men I think about being with in a relationship who are healthy and stable. But nevertheless I am still married and nowhere near able to have a healthy relationship --except with God! I just want to know why he thinks I am expecting him to be perfect. I never asked that of him. I, like a lot of the earlier posts today have always been in unhealthy relationships and was also abused as a child by a friend of the family. How and why would that affect my relationships today? Why would I keep choosing men who turn out to be worse than they are when I first meet them? Why am I always in an unhealthy, time consuming relationship? I just don't understand sometimes. Anyway, I handled the situation better today than I have in the past.
He may be feeling that your getting stronger and he is realizing he cant manipulate you.
One thing for sure , we dont get fixed by another relationship. We dont get to trade one relationship for another without learning the lessons. We attract who we are at the time.
You are doing the best thing you can do for yourself, growing and getting stronger.
I hear you on this....I also fantasize about other relationships...but all that does is torture me more.....I can't leave the marriage yet....lots of reasons, so I have to find a way to make the best of it and make myself a better man in the meantime.
kath, I understand that you're feeling down and confused. But it sounds like you're handling things pretty well. Keep talking with your HP, you will know what to do when the time is right.Keep taking care of you. But You ARE getting stronger and should be proud of yourself for that.
