The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have just realized through a special reading in The Language of Letting go, that I have spent my life participating in harmful situations without even knowing I was being hurt or hurting. I had severe childhood trauma, I had a dad who was my step dad who adopted my brother and I who was an alcoholic, I had a biological father I didn't know at all, and I watched many painful times of my friends being abused by their parents right in front of me. I have let other people harm me because I felt that If I didn't, they would be hurt. I should be the one in pain right? I have a very high pain tolerance mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have had no idea that all this pain was abnormal!
To quote the book: "I learned to participate in my own abuse." is a total understatment. I have been blind to the world. I feel totally lost and alone, and I know that one day I will get through, but right now, there it is.
I am trying to be gentle on myself. I have to remember I have had a crazy life in the last year. I spent 5 days in a mental hospital for feeling suicidal for living with an abusive husband. I had a miscarriage, I got divorced, I got a bf that is alcoholic, I have been dealing with my childhood.... My kids have also gone through all of this too. So today, just for today, I am going to be gentle to me... Having a quiet day. Working on my photography and reading stuff.... Thanks for reading. I needed to get that out....
((((Maize))))...I understand too and you're right It hurt terribly beyond words at times until I learned how to forgive myself and be gentle and loving (unconditionally) to my self. I will be gentle with you also cause I've got some left over. You can have it any time you want. (((((hugs)))))
Wow, Thank you for sharing. I have been revisting the struggle of my childhood and have been trying to listen to the negative things that I tell myself because of it. The negative things that I have told myself for over 50 years. I don't think I ever heard the barbs in the past. It has been an interesting journey. Your quote is so true for me. Thanks for again!
I am amazed at your recovery process and the insight you have in dealing with what life has thrown at you. It would be so easy to take a different approach, and feel sorry for yourself or cast the blame on numerous others. Instead you are working your program that in time, and over time, will lead you to the safe place you deserve. You are taking care of yourself and in turn that will allow you to take care of your children.
Your story touched my heart. Your ES&H will guide others who have or may be presently living in a similar situation.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 2nd of September 2010 03:57:02 PM
Maize - What can I say? I do know to an extent what you are feeling because I had an abusive older brother and an alcoholic mother. This is absolutely the first time I have ever mentioned the abusive brother to anyone - and I am 61 years of age! I have dealt with it by locking it away. Trouble is he was imprisoned 2 years ago for downloading stuff he shouldn't have been - and you don't go to prison for looking at your average porn sites. Maybe I should have said something all those years ago. He's out of prison now and carrying on as if nothing has happened.
I have too much grief from an alcoholic husband right now to try to start addressing the past - so, like you, I think perhaps I will try to be gentle on myself and just try to deal with what is immediately in front of me.
Your awareness and acceptance of childhood incidents is a very powerful share. What a fantastic program alanon truly is!!!
If I had not been encouraged to "Glance "at the past and not "Stare" I too would not have seen all the pain and sadness that I simply denied and accepted as NORMAL. In fact it saddens me to see my sister and brother still using the old tools they learned in childhood to continue to deal with their pain. They have also passed along these traits to another generation.
I know that just keeping coming back and sharing enabled me to move thru this stuff and grow
I am so sorry that you did experience this and that you were not protected as a child How wonderful to have found the alanon family to give the support we missed.
Thanks for sharing the journey
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 2nd of September 2010 04:07:27 PM
I draw the line at participating when I look past adulthood. As a child I certainly had to have denial in order to survive. As I had no one else I had to identify with the parents I had. So I "split" in two, the compliant child and the angry child who was identified with the abuser. That meant that I felt that I "deserved" it because of course there had to be a "reason" why my parents were as they were.
Now as an adult I get to untangle all that. Certainly my parents had very few resources, denial is and was part of their mental illness. My two sisters exhibit the same levels of denial. I had to have denial until I could work up to another level of being. I'm not sure there was much "choice" involved. Looking at abandonment, deprivation, abuse issues is not something to be taken lightly and certainly any one who is willing is very very brave.
These days with the help of al anon, therapy and basically anything I can lay my hands on, I do have choices. I can't say I like many of those choices but one of them is to work on boundaries. Boundaries mean I don't participate. That doesn't mean I am always in situations which are wonderful. For me it means when I am around "abusers" I don't "judge" them, try to change them or take their inventory. I go about my business and try to limit the amount of time spent around them. Sometimes I can limit it a great deal, sometimes not. I do these days see them as "sick" but I also see anyone (even people severely mentally ill like my parents were) has a choice to heal. There may not be many resources but there are some.
My parents certainly knew when they abused me and my sisters they were doing wrong. They knew there were repercussions involved. They counted on that I would never tell. I didn't remain loyal to that way of thinking and now I have another way of looking at people who are inclined to abuse alcohol and other substances.
The ex A knew he was an alcoholic/addict, he chose to deny it no matter what the consequences were. My problem was not being able to accept he did not want to change and furthermore wasn't going to under any circumstances. For me for most of my life love meant catastrophe. Love meant chaos, over involvement, enmeshment and eventually feeling abandoned. These days with a sponsor and a bit of program under my belt I feel that the love I want is more mature, its warm, cozy and calm not a tumultuous rollercoaster.
I'm glad you are here and working on your issues. I know the relationship I had with the ex A was about many of the patterns I learned as a child. I've had to take responsibility for that but I no longer take responsibility for anyone elses' abuse. I did nothing to warrant being abused and I certainly didn't deserve it at any time.
Very powerful, Maize. Your acceptance is wonderful. I know that when I started unearthing my past and the pain hidden there it was very difficult to face. I too was a child of abuse. Neglect from my parents and sexual abuse by others.
It is amazing how we carry our behaviors from those times into adulthood. We don't know any different. For me it was all about stuffing the pain and pushing everyone away. That is how I coped. I came to the realization very young that I had to protect myself because others would not and as a child that meant "duck and run" and that is what I do as an adult. Every healthy relationship I ran from. Then a relationship came by that was indicative of the abuse I experienced as a child and here came normal for me. I grabbed on with both hands, nails imbedded, and rode it out . . . almost to my demise.
Luckily that led me straight to recovery. In recovery I got to forgive myself and those from my childhood. I was able to have the adult in me care for and love the abused child still hurting. We are made to feel as children that the abuse is our fault, that we earned it. Amazing how the abuse as an adult feels the same way. We do not walk away because this is what love is to us and we don't know any better. But then the light is shined in these dark corners. We are shown a better, more healthy way to live. We get to leave the abuse behind and walk out into the light knowing that we are not at fault, we don't deserve it, and we don't have to tolerate it anymore. We don't have to believe the abuser who says they love us and will protect us . . . we can protect ourselves. We no longer have to wish and hope for our knight in shining armor - we can be that for ourselves.
It is One Day at a Time and these things are very, very difficult to walk through. But there is peace, acceptance, and a better life on the other side. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, it took a lot of courage. We care, we love you, and we understand.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
