The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm not suicidal...not even that depressed but I'm flat lined.......other than my daughter I dont' feel that there is much to live for.....nothing seems to bring me that much happiness and nothing excites me...it's like I have this filter that no happiness gets in ....I'm no upset, nothing happened...things are stable.....yes I know that my marriage isn't good but it's quite right now....no person could give me happiness, but I dont' know how to attain it.....other than playing guitar, nothing seems to bring my much pleasure.....nothing seems to matter...this sucks.....why do I feel this way......
Really strange...I just go through the motions in life and even stuff that I enjoy briefly doesn't stick.....it's like a cold...it comes and goes and I'm right back where I've started...I'm in therapy and on medication....I'm not "depressed''....not feeling down but not feeling any good feelings either......
Even things that I used to really like...going to ballgames, concerts etc...don't seem to matter now... i go occasionally and it's like..."that was nice'' but I don't feel good....is it the lack of love in my life? I know you all will keep telling me go to f2f meetings etc. and I will but I've felt like this for so long.......what the heck is it??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
In your last sentence you ask:" What the heck is it!!!"
It sounds to me as if IT is the effects of living with the disease of alcoholism!!! By living with this disease we set up walls and close ourselves off from the enjoyment of the simple things in life. Alanon meetings, connecting with others who feel as we do, breaking the isolation, working the steps clearing out the wreckage of the past, (with the 4 th thru 10, steps) finally breaks thru the destructive walls we set up and life and joy can enter.
"IT" might just be the refusal to get to meetings and try to have this change by magic. M aking A G uess I t'll C hange. Guessing doesn't get it...doing does it. By the way Yankee the more you resist the longer it last. I was told to do 90 meetings in 90 days when I first got here and I got that done plus change. It was either that to remain in the "woe is me's" and self pity and depression which just royally sucked!! I couldn't guess it into anything and I have to work it myself. There is no one else around responsible for your happiness or your sadness. It's your job Bud...I've been at that place and was suicidal even when I thought I wasn't. When I first got here I was were you are at now and came to understand another perspective on suicide that I call now "successful" suicide (I've taught this perspective to others). A failed suicide is when you end your life and there is nothing left to live for. A successful suicide is ending how you live your life. You then have everything to live for.
What you're worried about isn't real, it is based on false evidence you head is creating and you gotta come discover that truth for yourself. No one here can do it for you.
I can definitely relate to that "stuck" feeling, and all I can offer is the words of my wise old sponsor, who used to tell me to: "live life, and let happiness find you".....
I know, for me, I tend to want to chase that elusive happiness/serenity (and of course as a male, I want it NOW!! lol), but on my good days - I remember this advice, and just live....
Hope that helps
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I remember those feelings very well..."this too shall pass" I was saying numerous times a day :) I did however have to put some effort in in order for that to happen. I dragged myself to meetings and I mean dragged myself. I agree with the person who said "sounds like the affects of living with alcholism". If you put in the effort and want to find yourself again, you will. It wont happen overnight, but then we didnt get this way overnight. Little by little, day by day things will change once we are willing to put in the effort. Your worth it and on a side note..:) They arent kidding when they say we become sicker than the a.....but like an A, we have a program if we want help. Please give it a try, you are worth it !!!!
I felt this way too when I landed here - I didnt know what I even liked anymore, it didnt feel like I liked/enjoyed anything anymore.
A big part of me being able to find my happiness inside of me, was doing all of the preliminary work to get to that point. I had to first accept TOTAL powerlessness and then stop attempting to control and manipulate others, I had to let go of all expectations, I had to focus on me and begin the discovery of self love-prioritization and begin with what I could change. I worked to resolve past issues, as once I began doing forgiveness work (on me and others), prayed and recieved the willingness and an open mind to hear new information and be able to absorb and process it -- and set and follow through on boundaries/consequences to really start changing my life, attitude and perception - then inner joy began to bubble up and out and from my center - just like when i was a ten yr old kid running loose and wild through the neighborhood! seriously but like dreamy said - it might take some effort on your part.
Know that all things do pass, and if we lack interests or passion, we can discover new interests (perhaps something u always wanted to do but never allowed yourself before or something u were intimidated by) try something new. If u want a different result, try something else new and keep trying new things, this might be a way to break into a new discovery about yourself.
I also found that some days, it was in my best interest to simply feel bored or not feel so intensely passionate about something -bc- then u might get a new realisation. I really needed to learn to cope and to be okay even when others werent. I had to learn to go within and allow me to be okay, even if my mind was running away and creating chaos - I had to learn to talk myself into a calm nurturing state of mind. So, maybe we are bored some days, it is ok, this too will pass. When I fetl bored in program, I was told to enjoy it! Ok, so u didnt say u were bored.
Perhpas you are coming into a new time/phase in your life, seeing that what u thought was fun, now isnt - is this a maturing phase you're in? Maybe u are changing your values about things in your life now. My beliefs & values definetely changed working my program.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
When I first hit the doors of alanon I was lower than you even describe. I felt I was in a totally holpless place. I sufferred such severe depression I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy, I was diagosed with PTSD tried every medication out there, went to therapy etc. And frankly none of it had anything to do with my A son. It was my own mind that was sick as could be. I used to be disappointed every morning when i would wake up that I had survived the night. Not that I was sucidal just thought God would take me out of my pain. One morning I woke up got out of bed and dropped to my knees and prayed to God ( my HP) to end my sufferring much less the sufferring I was putting my family through. Cause I was just a shell of a person with nothing to offer anyone. Funny thing very soon after I was guided to Alanon due to my sons addiction. And after kinda getting the hang of it found the program could work in all aspects of my life. But I couldn't sit on my butt and wait for things to change. I could and do seek guidance from HP but then I have to put in the leg work. I can't wait around for a majic fairy to restore sanity and happiness in my life. And the leg work consisted of working the steps, using the slogans, listening and learning from others experiences and getting out of my comfort zone and doing things that were best for me. I didn't get where I was overnight and it did take me awhile to realize I wasn't going to change over night. But little by little I am getting to where I am going. You are doing a great job posting on here and you have been given suggestions by the best of the best ( not me lol). First Get to meetings meetings meetings and start working the steps. It is work, a lot of work I will not lie to you. But I can tell you as I have posted on so many others posts this program has changed my life forever and I will be working it forever because I can always learn something new. So my suggestion is get to work and while you may not see changes immediatly ( as we are complicated people) the changes will happen. Your miracle is waiting for you! This is a simple program for complicated people. So I look forward to when you post that you are attending meetings ( even those here online) and working the steps. Blessings
I re-read many of your prior posts. You have had valid concerns and received some valuable and heart felt ES&H in the month since you have been a member of MIP. As I read them it was obvious that other members want you to have what they have, what has worked for them. This program not only works to make your life better living in the disease of alcoholism, but it works in all your affairs when applied.
Al-Anon is a simple, loving, and giving program that has changed and improved countless thousands of lives world wide. I have never known of anyone who accepted the program at face value, applied the program in their everyday lives, and worked the program to the best of their ability that didn't see a tremendous change in their life, and always for the better. I am one of those. I wanted what "they" had. I wanted the peace and serenity I saw and felt in the faces of the "Old Timers" in my f2f meetings, many who were still living with active alcoholism or addiction. I listened to many members tell their story and afterwards I felt like I only had a hurt finger, while they had an arm cut off. But the difference at the time was they seemed happy and serene, while at the time I was crazy and insane. I made a commitment that required attending the two f2f meeting that were available each week. Four years later I still attend those two meeting each week. I knew I had to do my part and I made the program a priority in my life. Yes, the program is simple but it isn't easy. Anything worth having requires work, effort and the burning desire to make it happen.
There are times when I still get a little crazy which is always the case when living in active alcoholism.....but I can honestly say I'm not insane anymore.
I mentioned earlier in my reply that Al-Anon is a simple, loving, and giving program, but we all have to do our part and put forth the effort if we want a change to take place. I couldn't help but think as I was reading other members of MIP responding to some of your prior topics that maybe, just maybe, HP was controlling what many of them were offering with their ES&H.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 2nd of September 2010 11:32:28 AM
I've been feeling similar lately - now that I'm living alone, I'm starting to wonder where on earth I'm going with my life now, and starting to feel like the days are just passing me by and I'm still left wondering how to feel like I'm getting anything fulfilling out of my days.
I know one of the things I really want to do is to learn to rely on my HP to fulfill my needs. I don't want to throw myself into yet another relationship where my ability to be happy starts to rely upon my being with another person to do things with.
I've been reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert (haven't seen the movie yet) - probably not a man's reading choice, but in any case, I relate pretty closely with the author being newly divorced, but one of the things she was writing about was wondering what on earth really makes her happy.
It got me to thinking that this is a great question for me to present to my HP. I have a strong belief that I can take my questions to my HP and that eventually my answers will come.
So, I've started asking every evening before bed, and every morning when I wake up... "God? What makes me happy? What things can I do in my life that leave me feeling fulfilled where I don't have to depend upon other people to make it happen?"
I'm going to just keep asking. Maybe my answers will come.
All I know is that before Al-Anon, I would behave like a chameleon, adapting to the environment around me. If I was dating you, your likes suddenly became my likes. I would dress to compliment you, watch the movies you prefer to watch, listen to the music you prefer to listen to, hang out with the crowd you liked to hang out with. I really lost my own individual identity when I was dating and married because I really didn't have a clue how to hold on to my own personal likes, feel confident in them, and not allow them to get overshadowed by my love interests' desires.
This is it my friend = LIFE we only get to go around once no replay here . You have a choice- I too have gone back and re read all of your posts you have had alot of great suggestions on how to change your life , no one else can do this for you . * I intend to go to meetings* but u still havent made an attempt to go , if your not careful u will fall into the pity pot your creating for yourself . At one time or another we have all been in your situation but with this program and alot of help from others I have learned that my situation is not Unique , there is so much to be grateful for and when full of anger and resentment we don't see it . You have mentioned many times that you have never been happy , I suspect your wife has noticed that too and I know how that would make her feel , eventually we give up trying to please and take care of ourselves which dosent help at all in fact it makes things worse . We cannot do better til we know better. Attitude is everything in recovery ask yourself Is mine worth catching ??? when that question was asked of me along time ago I had to honestly say NO Positive is as easy to catch as negative and its far more productive .
I know when I got here I was barely functioning. I could hardly get through the day. I felt absolutely desperate, despairing and trapped. I am glad you are seeking out resources for yourself. I hope you avail yourself of everything you can because you deserve to have some peace and happiness.
(( aloha )) I did too, I was mutable and would take on whatever they liked or were into.
wow, this is a great thread! Truth is, I had to face myself. I was told I was getting a pay off for my behavior or I wouldnt be doing it. So, I had to think. I was self abusive, I felt victimized. My behavior was validating my already sick belief that I did not deserve any better. I was perpetuating other's abuse by believing it. I had to change my core beliefs. We all deserve to be loved. We deserve whatever we think we do - some people are unrealistic and literally shoot for the moon - I was the opposite thinking so lowly, terribly about myself. Truth was I was making that my reality everyday, by neglecting my feelings, telling myself Im not that important to have an opinion. These are lies. The truth is, my opinion is the most important one in my life and your opinion is the most important one in your life.
If you dont like what you see, change it - be the change you want to see, then u will see it and be living it.
The online mtgs here are great and help if u cant get to f2f. I work my whole program online and I sponsor online. If you want to make things different and u are really sick and tired of how ur life is - u will surrender what u are doing and try something new.
You are getting a pay off for your behavior - face and trace that and you will have an easier time of changing. We cant change what we dont face.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
This is a timely posting for me. Kinda been feeling a lot like you lately. I am struggling with all my resentment, fatigue, frustration, etc. about everything. I find myself not wanting to come home after work...and that is so sad considering I have two beautiful kids waiting for me. I was sitting here just now feeling like the LAST thing I wanted to do was to go to a f2f meeting tonight, but I realize I have to start to make some changes before this drags me so far down I can't get up anymore. I have been attending for 6 months and see pretty much zero improvement in my life...but I know that it is ME that has to make the changes. Indeed I am waiting for some magic...and there isn't a magician in sight! I hope it helps to know that there are those of us out there that understand. Keep your head up. And I am off to a meeting! Wish me luck...maybe something will actually get knocked into my hard head tonight.
I'm not suicidal...not even that depressed but I'm flat lined.......other than my daughter I dont' feel that there is much to live for.....nothing seems to bring me that much happiness and nothing excites me...it's like I have this filter that no happiness gets in ....I'm no upset, nothing happened...things are stable.....yes I know that my marriage isn't good but it's quite right now....no person could give me happiness, but I dont' know how to attain it.....other than playing guitar, nothing seems to bring my much pleasure.....nothing seems to matter...this sucks.....why do I feel this way......
Hi MJ I deliberately haven't looked at your other posts.
Your question interests me because i have been going to f2f meetings for year and have put in quite a lot of work with a sponsor
And yet I can still feel like this.
I sit in and watch TV or sit on my computer. My head can become empty and before i know it I'm snapping at my husband.....And then wonder why I feel down????
Then I remember God leaves a gift for everyone every day, but I have to go and look for it. If I forget to look I can't complain that God feels unavailable.
The reason why i go to f2f meetings is because I know it will get me out of the house and surrounded my people who understand my situation.
The ultimate goal for me is serenity. I can achieve it every day, one day at a time....IF I go look for it
I don't think anyone would go to Alanon if they were healthy and living well. Why would they?
I think its a place where I can go and find acceptance that I am actually not very well.
I can begin to self care
That might mean going to the GP and having some treatment that is specific to me.
I've been affected by alcoholism
but I personally have also been affected by CFS, fibromyalgia and IBS
I know other people have begun to look after themselves and found they need treatment for depression and other physical and mental health issues.
I really think I owe it to myself to make sure I am as healthy as I can be in order to be the person I want to be....for myself and my children.
As I work on it all... I find happiness is finding me.....I don't have to search for it anymore
Its a Higher Power thing for me I think.
My starting place was simply to go out and look for His gifts for me.
One of those gifts was the sound of a chuckling child on a swing.
Another was simply noticing the beauty of a park area.
Another was bumping into an old friend and catching up.
Anything that makes me smile.... I know that can only come from Higher Power because for me Higher Power is love. When I smile I feel love.... even if its just a glimmer of it.
I think negative thinking is self destructive but it is also habit forming.
I have to think about my own addictions and not just those of my husbands
Thanks everyone....I appreciate the thoughts and ideas....I've been to a f2f meeting...but I 'know I've got to keep going....I feel a double edged sword in that I work so much (2 jobs) that I feel like i'm never home as it is....I miss my daughter alot when I'm not home and it's hard to tear myself away to go to a meeting. I'm not sure I even feel sorry for myself...but I feel scared that the only feeling I have that lasts is sadness...I can do things that feel happy, but as soon as their done, the feeling vanishes....I don't know what's the matter....I did alanon for several years and while I felt better at times, I have to be honest, my life has gotten worse......my wife is more difficult than ever, the finances are worse and I'm broken hearted to see how my daughter is affected (even though she's actually doing well considering...but that's considering...my best bet is to try to find meetings on the nights I work, since I'm out anyway, I can just go to a meeting after work...daughter is asleep either way, unless my wife doesn't put her to bed, which happens alot (daughter is 9).
Like I said, I"m not depressed, truly...although I admit I sound like it...it's just this feeling that nothing brings me joy, other than a few things that only last for a limited time............I'm posting, reading literature, in therapy, on medication and other than going to meetings regularly I 've done all I can do. Going to the meetings is the last thing I'm not doing consistently and I'm scared...scared that even that wont' be enough....then what? If i don't go, I can say "well there's still hope as there's still something I can do......if I go and don't feel better...then what?
Hi MJ Thank you for being so honest. I know what that feeling feels like. Quite honestly I'm just glad these days that I CAN recognise feelings. My situation made me numb for years.
I think what helped me most was the realisation that what I WAS feeling was grief. This just wasn't how I had intended my life to be. I had dreamt of that easy romantic marriage that you see on TV and films. I wanted my children to have the perfect up bringing because I knew what that should be and I hadn't managed to provide it because this whole situation had got in the way. I was grieving the life that I should have had if I hadn't fallen for this damaged individual who had hijacked my mind and my dreams. Why hadn't I been stronger to either recognise it before I got involved or get out earlier when the children were young and unaffected.
Its a bitterness and resentment for all I lost. The problem is all that bitterness and resentment is only hurting me. As you say it saps all the joy out of my being....if I allow it to. I have choices.
I can't deal with that grief or resentment on my own. I was lucky to already have and understanding of Higher Power. But I had to learn to be in relationship with Him so that I could hand over all my negative emotions to leave room for my positive ones.
It IS a learning process and one that I am still working at. It really has nothing to do with my alcoholic any more. It is more about accepting that I need recovery for myself. Only I can do it The tools ARE there and I understand the fear that you talk of. I think sometimes I am so hurt and confused by my life choices what I know is like a comfort blanket. Even though it doesn't make me happy its familiar. It is scary to let that go and trust that something better will take its place.
Theres a really good reading in 'Paths to recovery' about a fresco. Its in step two. You might find that interesting. If you don't have a 'Paths to recovery' book its a really good investment but your f2f group should have one.
I really hope that helps. Thinking about it all again has made me remember to be kinder to myself too. So thank you for posting mon
Monica...my God you sound like I wrote that reply...you've hit everything that I've been thinking and feeling.
I go on because I have no choice...I guess I have to take a leap of faith that dragging myself to meetings will really matter and make a difference...enough of a difference to make it all worthwhile......
I do have so much regret....don't know how to handle that. I can tell myself all the right things: "I did the best I could at the time...I couldn't predict it would come out like this (even though I KNEW going in SOMETHING was wrong - I just thought it would get better).
And there's a part of me that realizes none of these past things can ever be fixed or made up for...they've happened, it's done.....it's like suffering some great loss (insert any loss you can identify with here). You can recover from it, but it can't be fixed, you'll never forget it, and a piece of you died with it...you will always feel less than whole. Somehow people seem to find peace and happiness in SPITE of that.....
To me it seems about distracting oneself. Literally, to dwell on the bad, just makes me unhappy...I have to not think about it....isnt' that denial? Isn't that pretending it's not there so I can be happy.....I just don't get it.....
But I do know what everyone's telling me I have to do, and so many with worse situations than mine tell me it works.....so....it's a leap of faith.
I think really I had to learn that everyone has a journey that isn't comfortable. The lessons learned along that journey are engineered to help us be in relationship with our Higher power.
I still stamp my feet at times and and say to myself ...but I wanted it different!!!!
I am learning to live with it how it is by living one day at a time.
Yesterday has gone. I can't change it. I can sulk about not having it my way or i can accept those lessons and be thankful for them. They are making me a more content person..... IF I let them go and accept that just for today I'm actually ok.
God has been there looking after me while I stumble and fall, just as any good parent is when that child learns to walk or to ride a bike.
Just for today i have all my needs (not wants) met. i have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and I can find people who are loving towards me.
How I live in the day really is my choice.
I CHOOSE to stay in my marriage.
I CHOOSE to accept the people around me just how they are
I CHOOSE to enjoy (or not) the moment I am in.
And my kids are on their own journey. Their reality involves my struggle just as my journey involves my parents struggle. It didn't involve alcoholism but there were issues.
I can choose to focus on the positive things in my life and to let go of all those negative thoughts and live with gratitude
IF I want to
If I start to feel that trapped feeling again I can start to think about whether I really WANT to CHOOSE an alternative.
Most days the answer really is no I really don't.
Other people have different issues to me in their marriage and their lives in general just as I do. they're just different issues.
Alanon Can show you the way to serenity but there are blocks that we put up for ourselves.
Shortcomings that start with fear, anger or guilt.
Change is hard but with Alanon and my Higher power I know I can head towards it Maybe it will take me a long time
but this is progress not perfection.
Really hope that helps. It helps me to know there are others out there who struggle as I do ....One day at a time
the definition of insanity is doing the same things over, expecting differnt results. We ahve to change something if we want something different. When we say, ya but and point the finger, we are choosing to stay stuck. You have choices, lots of them, maybe u dont see them all yet but the way we all got better, is by listening and learning. Opening up and sharing bc we cant change what we dont face/accept.
When u truly get sick and tired of how it is ~ u get willing to do anything to change it.
We guarantee that if you dont work it, u can take all the misery back and then some, didnt u know we had a misery back guarantee here?
The way i got over past issues, was one at a time, feeling it though, seeing everyone's perspectives/positions, played them out. Accepted its in the past and then do forgiveness for them and for me about the situations. Most of the time, i was mad at me for trusting people who didnt deserve my trust anymore. I worked on me, started with me (love, validation), set and followed boundaries for myself and began to get self esteem back, self respect (which i never had) and emotional detachment from other's isses, emotional baggage. We can only do that work for us, we cant think or feel for others.
If I dont start with my core thoughts and tell myself, i deserve more, then I never would have gotten to where I stood up and acknoweldged that I did/do deserve more. Plus being able to know, trust yourself - that u are there, loving you and looking out for your best interest - so that u no longer take those steps/walks down to self pity, victimhood and being stuck.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
