The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its been a while since I have posted. Work, kids, life have kept me from being as active on MIP as I'd like, but I always check in, knowing my recovery began here. This may be a bit rambled, for it is late, but I feel compelled to share some ESH, particularly for those who are new and wonder if they can be helped by al-anon.
I saw a quote on a bumper sticker in front of me the other day that read,
"Be careful not to meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."
and my immediate association was to what happens when one engages with an active alcoholic (or my sober exAH). You know, you think you can slay it if you just say X or do Y, and then before you know it you are chewed up and spit out and you don't even know what happened or how you got there. It happened to me again and again, until I got it.
Three and a half years into al-anon and I got it. Even more, I am feeling it. I am feeling al-anon not only in my interactions, but inside of me. Unbelieveable, really. When I started the program "serenity" was so hypothetical, and I couldn't begin to imagine what that would look or feel like, and was absolutely certain that it could not happen to me. But, I kept going back, and I found a sponsor. I've been working on the steps for well over a year now and its all starting to make sense.
Now here I am. My situation has not changed. My ex is still sober and is living with his crazy A (sober?) g/f whom I must share my kids with. My divorce still isn't final, and financially I don't know what my future holds. I still have fears, but they don't own me. I have worked hard to do the footwork to take care of myself and my children, and am living the miracle of my HP, God, taking care of me.
I remember the days of feeling helpless and hopeless, every day seeming the same. The addrenelin rush of the A's call, text or email and that need to engage. Those days are gone. I now operate on the 48-72+ hr rule, which is I do not respond to anything that could be emotionally charged without a waiting period. It works. Tonight in talking to my sponsor I realized how drama-free my life has become and how much I love it. My time is my own. My life is my own. My kids know their routine and are healthy and settled. Where at one time I was ready to sell my soul and give up everything I believe in just to have back what I thought coulda, woulda, shoulda been, I now wouldn't take back for anything. I don't know that I am at the point where I can say I am totally happy, but I am peaceful and free, and that is a great start and something I wouldn't give up for anything.
The waiting is the hard part. The progress can seem and be so slow, but it is real and it does happen if you just keep coming back. There is a reading on July 28 in Courage to Change that talks about how one can hit a rock 99 times and nothing happens, then on the 100th time it splits. That is what al-anon is about.
Don't quit before the miracle.
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Today the sun is shinning and I decided I was going to be as happy as I chose to be, and I am, and I have, life here is very stressful, not seen or heard anything of our son in over two weeks, I have just had days where I don't think I can stand another, and then a good day comes along, still the same worries but somehow some days it can be handled better, life would not be this doable without my mip, and people that share the true nitty gritty of life, bless you Lou and do keep on keeping on taking care, of YOU and yours, you are doing a sterling job!
Thanks.....I needed to hear this, but I'm not where you are by any stretch of the imagination. I've been doing better and I get what you're saying though.
I do appreciate your post. I think I have been there from the beginning of your story and a little before that mine. I too felt a transition inside of me. I feel truly in recovery with lots of tools and meetings and a sponsor. My AHsober has not changed for the better. I am better without interacting with him. I am stronger. I don't know if the miracle has happened yet. I don't know if I am truly happy or not. But life is good.
Aloha Lou!! Wow...you went away for awhile and didn't get lost at all. In fact you've grown up better (((hugs))) It's happening for you as I remember it happening for me and others and your HP is telling you that you deserve the miracle..you are worthy of it. Yay or Yay. I've seen that bumper sticker somewhere in my recovery journey also and when you mentioned it again I automatically looked down to see if I still had some ketchup on me. LOL They do also have a keen sense of smell and don't ever bypass leftovers!! Thanks so much for dropping buy...I'll be getting the crunch out. (((((hugs)))))
