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So, we've been separated 2 years. She was 7 months sober, then went back out a week ago. Threatened suicide and then spent the night at the guy's house she had cheated on me with, who she supposedly hadn't seen in 5 months. I didn't text or talk to her for a full week, (she tried every day), then when she texted Saturday night saying she was 3 days sober I said ok let's talk. She said she only slept at his house and didn't do anything. I said whatever, doesn't matter it's still cheating. Said I would give her one final chance, but it really was the last time - if she ever did anything with him or anyone else ever again, it would be over. And that she has to go to counseling with me. She agrees. So she spends the night with me last night, then drops the bombshell in the morning: She's not alcoholic, never was, just panicked. I'm thinking, well I guess I must have misinterpreted things 'cause when she said she was 3 days sober I thought that meant she was going to try again. So now she is saying that it sucks that she will be 'labeled' an alcoholic now when she isn't, that I will never believe she isn't, etc. So. I had agreed to try and work things out with her when I thought she was still going to be working on being sober. Now I'm not sure what I should do - after all, a lot of people in Al-Anon continue to stay with their spouses even though they are drinking - but I don't know how many of them are also alcoholic. That makes a difference, her drinking could jeapordize my sobriety. I don't want to end the relationship just because she has a disease, but this is not an ordinary disease - it's one that could very well take me down with her. Well, at least she's agreed to the counseling sessions with someone who understands alcoholism.
. Now I'm not sure what I should do - after all, a lot of people in Al-Anon continue to stay with their spouses even though they are drinking - but I don't know how many of them are also alcoholic. That makes a difference, her drinking could jeapordize my sobriety. I don't want to end the relationship just because she has a disease, but this is not an ordinary disease - it's one that could very well take me down with her. Well, at least she's agreed to the counseling sessions with someone who understands alcoholism.
Hi Flying Squirrel I am so sorry that you are dealing with the insanity of this disease.
Alanon is for anyone who is bothered by someone else's drinking You qualify even if your spouse feels she is not an alcoholic.
You are separated for over 2 years, are going to try counseling so why not give alanon an honest effort for your own peace of mind. I copied the quote about this disease not being ordinary and could very well bring you and (all of us who interact with an alcoholic down) That is the main reason for attending alanon for me.
Meetings, Learning to Focus on Yourself, Learning to Live and Let Live Detaching from your partner are all are powerful tools that enrich any relationship.
Aloha FS...Cunning, Powerful and Baffling...it all fits. And my alcoholic wife behaved similarly and I was worried about the other diseases that come from multiple sexual incounters until I stopped worrying and left. It took me a while to call a spade a spade and after that I was home free. What helped was a frustrated sponsor who once and a while got on the merry-go-round called deinal to try and pull me off. One night after a meeting he kept me off the merry-go-round long enough to teach me that, "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck"...Its a duck and that night I accepted that my alcoholic wife was an alcoholic and turned her over to a power greater than myself. All of us in that household and including relatives were screwed up by the drinking. There wasn't a sane one amongst us...not one. I got mine in the program and that is where I park my soul today. Keep working at it. (((hugs)))
Alcoholism, the family disease, has the amazing power to veil its existance within ourselves. It hides the truth from both the Alcoholic and the Non-Alcoholic.
As a non-Alcoholic man I made the choice of my own free will to stay in a relationship past the point where, in my opinion, most men without the Family Disease of Alcoholism would have stayed. Was that good or was that bad? All in all, when I put the bad and the good on a balance scale, in the end the good side goes down....because of the outcome. It was good for me because it got me into Al-Anon and taught me how I did NOT want my life to be, once I was able to see past the wall of denial and see it for what it really was.
Whatever decision you make regarding your marriage, Al-Anon and all of us will be there to support you. Good luck in the counseling!
first of all...I am SO SORRY for how hurt you must feel. I have had an affair in my first marriage and close in my second...and I saw clearly the pain I caused. I also have learned the motivations behind my actions...and it would be impossible for me today to repeat those actions because of the awareness I ahve recived both in here and with my husband.
In my first marriage...affair...was my INABILITY to have any form of stability in my life because I grew up in alcoholic home, and I had bvecome sicker than the alcoholics I bet. But I didnt KNOW.
Now....I am NOT sticking up for her. Please understand...but affairs-in my case anyways... (unless you beat teh crap out of her daily and are really a jerk to live with) are a sickness inside coming from the person having the affiar. It is NOT YOUR FAULT.
When we cannot control our impulses, look for solutions outside of ourselves, and seek another human to fix us...we are probably having an affair.
She may or may not be alcoholic...that's her business.
Your business...is taking care of "first things first". You're talking...and trying to keep things in perspective. Doing the right thing bud :)
If she says she's not an alcoholic then HER REALITY is that she is not an alcoholic....
Your problem here is What are YOU going to do?
You have two choices the way I see it. 1. Accept that she is not an alcoholic and treat her accordingly - ie let her live her life and have her consequences and you live yours and have your consequences
OR
2. Determine that she IS an alcoholic and that you will not live with an active using alcoholic and move on.
Staying and badgering is not an answer.
If she doesn't believe that she is an alcoholic then she is not an alcoholic and she is not going to do anything about a problem that she doesn't have. The problem here is yours. You have a problem with HER behavior and therefore YOU must take whatever action you will take to deal with YOUR problem.
Just my experience . . . but my exA and I got together and he was sober 6 years. Now when he told me this, I didn't understand what that meant. I thought he had just decided to not drink. Sounds good to me. I drank. Quite a bit actually (AA was in my future). He didn't have a problem with it.
Then he decided to drink and the not so surprising thing is that is also the time he decided to cheat on me. Now with some recovery under my belt - if I had known then what I know now I would have been seriously against his decision to start drinking again. I really didn't know. It was hell. At that point I didn't understand how my drinking was affecting my life and that of my family - and I sure as heck didn't understand what my drinking meant to a sober alcoholic who stopped working his program.
For him . . . I wish he hadn't gotten together with me. It would have been so wonderful for him to end up with someone sober with a strong program instead of a normie/potential alcoholic who didn't understand. For me, I feel blessed it happened because I found recovery. But he made a decision to not put his sobriety first and I am very sorry for that and that I was involved in that happening.
One thing I agree with 100% in AA is that we put our sobriety first, above all things. This thing kills, it ruins our lives and our sanity. A relationship with an alcoholic is bad enough, but jumping in and possibly drinking with them takes it to a whole new level.
Guard your sobriety with your life.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
It has been my experience from growing up surrounded by alcholics and addicts that infidelity often goes hand in hand with this disease. The alcoholic is looking desparatly for an outside source in which to drown thier pain. Booze, drugs and often they will of course blame thier spouse ( pick any reason ) for things gone wrong and turn to someone else, usually a drinking buddy. You said you didn't want to compromise your own sobriety and have her take you down with her. Of course if you are working your program you already know that your own sobriety has to come first and foremost. If you are already thinking that reuniting with your wife will be a danger to your sobriety that tells me you may not be ready at this time to live with an active alcoholic. My suggestion is you continue to work your program, pray on this decision and listen to what HP thinks is best for you. Alanon will support any decision you make, I just urge you to take your time, get to meetings and put the focus back on you! Blessings in your recovery
The ex A insisted he was not an alcoholic/addict either. Denial is a powerful defense mechanism.
You are in the right place being in al anon. Whatever they decide is irrelevant. How you cope, respond and take care of yourself no matter what is what's crucial. You can recover even if they don't recognize there is a problem. Get a copy of the book Getting them Sober!
flying squirrel! I have been in & out of the program for years! I go because of me not the alcoholic is in my life. I am an example of continually hooking up with alcoholic men. I feel that no matter whether an alcoholic is in my life or not, I go to meetings & work a program! Believe me, there have been times when I have dealt with denial & my Ah was sober & out there! I believe that he is finally facing the truth & has been sober for almost 4 years! I keep going to meetings...go to them no matter what! Alanon will help you!
Thanks all... I think (hope) we've finally come to an amicable agreement - she has chosen alcohol and I have chosen recovery. We may still hook up once in awhile till either of us finds someone else (we'll see what happens there) but the divorce will be going to the next step and probably to the final step.
Sorry you're going through this, and that your wife has faltered in her recovery.... As you well know (likely better than I), the step backwards she is taking is one of her steps in her recovery - she obviously isn't ready to choose sobriety just yet.... My ex-AW told me countless times about how she wasn't a "real alcoholic" or "AA is for people who are stuck", or "I can stop anytime I want to", but it became clear, after years of failure, that she was mainly trying to convince herself of such nonsense....
Two thoughts come to mind....
1. Good for you in valuing & respecting your own sobriety first and foremost 2. When dealing with your (active) A, try looking at her with a large "SSS" stamped on her forehead, that stands for "sick, sick, sick".....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
