The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So we've reached the point in my Abf's first week off heroin when he decides that I would be better off without him and pushes me away. He tells me if I were older, i'd be smarter and I would've left by now. He says he's bad for me. The funny thing is, my life is kind of a mess- everything of value pawned, working full time but broke by Sunday every week because I buy alcohol and weed to help him with feeling sick, or its stolen, bills piling up... but I was coasting along pretty well, usually pretty serene, until he started trying to make me leave. This happens every time he gets off of the drugs and it still manages to completely break me down. Also, every single relapse until now (and its been a pretty constant relapse since june) I've always had some sense of hope for the future and for us as a couple, but this time I feel very uncertain. I'm questioning whether he might be right, whether maybe I need to take some time away - but the only other time I've tried that, I was just ten times more miserable than before. Basically, this is all just incredibly painful for me and I couldn't think of anything other than posting here that might help me to feel like my world ISN'T crumbling around me. Sorry if this is a little rambling, I haven't been sleeping well. Thanks to everyone who even just reads this, and especially those who respond. Every little bit helps.
-Ellie
-- Edited by Sangyaa on Monday 30th of August 2010 11:06:52 AM
Aloha Sangyaa...that was pretty much a very good qualification post for leaving...and getting to the first Al-Anon Family Group face to face meeting you can that is in your area. Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon and call now. Get the meeting places and times and then go as very soon as you can...can it get worse for you; definitely because this is a progressive disease that is at times fatal. Loosing it all means loosing it ALL!!.
He might be sitting in his self pity when telling you "I'm soooo bad and it would be better if you left and took the whole world with you." And sometimes that is really a good suggestion but it's painful to act on since I always did the opposite before taking that first peek outside into the world of recovery.
What you describe about the insanity of uncertainly reminds me of being told that my alcoholic/addict wife was addicted to alcohol and drugs and I was addicted to her and nothing was more the truth for me...I shot her up all day every day every chance I got and got sicker and sicker everyday I continued to do that. I also had to loose it all before I could let go and let God and that was the best loss I ever had. Fixers need people to fix or things to fix or places to fix and what I really needed to was to fix myself.
Glad you found MIP and suggest you keep coming back often (((((hugs)))))
One thing I have learned on my many years on this earth lol...is if someone tells you they are not right for you and you are better off without them they are telling you the truth. I am sorry if that is a painful thing to hear and maybe not the response you were looking for but I have stood in those shoes and been told that very same thing and they were absolutly right. Your age really doesn't have anything to do with things except that the younger you get yourself into the alanon the better the chances you will have at learning new and healthy coping tools that may likely lead you to a person who is right for you. No matter your age a break up is always painful but you have the chance to now become part of a fellowship that will help you through that pain. There is a saying.... pain is inevitable, sufferring is optional There are many painful moments in life, some last longer and are stronger than others. But with alanon you can learn healthy ways of dealing with it. Jerry is correct...there is a miracle out there with your name on it, you just have to reach out and grab it. Blessings
I am glad that you decided to post and not isolate with your feelings . It is a very painful place that you have described and sounds very familiar to me. I believe I was at that point when I finally surrendered to alanon and decided that I had to start using this program or I was not going to make it.
Please know you are not alone and that there is Help and Hope
Alanon suggests that we make no major life changes for the first 6 months in program (unless there is physical danger.) During that 6 months, I tried to attend as many meetings as I could each day.
I also took the suggestions to " USE THE SLOGANS, TRY TO LIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME, MAKE GRATITUDE LISTS, Share, get a sponsors and to FOCUS on Myself"
Please keep coming back You are worth it.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 30th of August 2010 03:33:51 PM
One thing I have learned is when an addict is sober, he is pretty miserable and he will say anthing to get you to respond and feed him his drugs again. To keep the dynamics going.
Your both in a downward spiral.
Sangyaa, You be the first to get out of it, I hope you will pull yourself up by the bootstraps and stop the cycle or stop participating in it, If there is any hope for the both of you.
As it has been suggested, get yourself to an Alanon meeting. Your reaching out for some answers. You know the living is not right.
I buy alcohol and weed ???? hon what are u thinking . As long as u keep him stocked in booze and weed there is no insentive to change he has all he needs and your the one buying it for him. I am sure u would rather have a new dress or a day at the spa just for you. Were enablers and when we continue to * take care of thier needs * we are helping the disease to continue .. Please find Al-Anon meetings f2f yu need support from people who understand where your at and care share thier own recovery with you. You dont have to do this alone .. I only know one thing for sure , nothing changes til Someone changes .. Louise
I feel ya! My boyfriend is also a heroin addict. I used to supply the money for the alcohol so he wouldn't get as sick, but this last time I stopped. He has pawned everything he had of value and some of my stuff, I know how it feels. He's sober because he's in jail now and has pretty much said the same things to me; how can you still be here, you'd be better off without me & just pushing me away. I have backed off considerably and let him do his own thing this time around. It was really hard & at times I wished I hadn't left, even though if I was there I'd probably be just as miserable watching him self-destruct. I went to tons of al-anon meetings in July, sometimes 5 or 6 a week, and that has really changed me. At one point, even though I got a phone call from a mutual friend letting me know he was sleeping in his truck bed & had sold his shoes for heroin, I was able to laugh an hour later. His higher power will help him. Plus, it's really nice to be able to not hide my ipod, digicam, credit card, etc. from him or waste my time/money worrying when he's high.
Anyhow, I know what it's like to feel like your world is crumbling & not be able to sleep, in the middle of july i went 3 days without sleeping more than 15 minutes at a time. But really, it's just his world crumbling, not yours. He can't control his world bc of his disease but you have control over yours still.
Even if it feels weird to take care of yourself, do it. You'd think that'd be our natural instincts as humans, to take care of ourselves and to detach from things that aren't healthy, but it's not! hah. Just force yourself to do you. Getting al-anon books helps a ton too when you can't sleep or stop crying, so does praying.
You will start to feel better soon! Just try, & work the program like crazy.
Thanks everyone, posting here and reading the replies always makes me feel a little better. There've been a few good days and another bad one since I posted, but I've been going to f2f meetings, and trying to find new ones close to my house that I like. I also took a day off work yesterday to catch up on sleep, and that helped a lot. It's such a crazy thing, that my boyfriend is almost more insane off the heroin than he is on it. I've definitely noticed that my moods and emotions mirror his. When he's crazy, I'm crazy. I will definitely continue to go to meetings more frequently, and hopefully the insanity will get a little easier to deal with.
susie- I just finished reading Discovering Choices, and I was surprised how much it helped me. I don't own any literature, though. Could you recommend an al-anon book that's been most helpful for you?
