The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After several weeks away I am back. It feels good. I have missed you all. I did lots of hard thinking regarding the relationship with my sister. My cousin came from Texas & I had a great time with her and my other cousin. We went to a family diner that my family use to go to all the time. We honored the family by having blueberry pancakes as well as hot roast beef sandwhiches on white bread w/french fries & gravy.
After spending 3 hours laughing remincing & talking about all things family I came to the conclusion that I can't force the relationship w/my sister. It is what it is. For now I am umcomfortable around her. So be it. I was trying to force myself to be a better aunt to my nieces by trying to rebuild the relationship with their Mom. I asked my sister if she would help me by talking to a councelor together so that maybe we could grow & change. She declined. She was worried about what the neighbors would think. Sigh...
Her husband will be sentenced in December for the drug charges he faced last year. While he has been out he has made significant strides to better himself and stay strong in his recovery. Unfortunately due to the seriousness of the charges he's going to have to do some time possibly up to 2 years. That breaks my heart but I do understand he must pay for what he did. He's depressed. My sister is my sister. Reacting in her standard way. The youngest niece is not doing so good. To see her Dad go off to jail before Christmas is sad. However here again, she won't talk to me or anybody. She buries herself in her soccer. Not a bad thing but I worry what she is keeping inside.
This is the continual frustration I feel for my sister. Her husband has begged her to get into some kind of counceling be it Alanon or just standard couceling. Do it for the girls is what he has asked of her. No dice she says.
I am at a place in my life that I do feel a bit of resentment towards her. Her husband is alive and yes will be behind bars. At least she can still talk to him and see him, while I talk to a jar of ashes and at times feel this emotional & physical void in my life. Why wouldn't I be upset at her for not taking advantage of her life? Makes me more angry than I care to admit. I am also highly critical of her. I need to stop taking her inventory. Geez...honesty can be so hard at times.
I have decided that my feelings are just those - feelings. I don't like resenting things. To me it's a waste of time, energy and life. However I have decided that I can't force myself to feel comfortable around her. I can't pretend that I like being around her right now. I find her behavior toxic to my well being. So I have two choices: let it all get to me or accept my feelings for what they are, detach and get on with life. I need to get on with life.
My sister is a good Mom is so many ways. She's a good person too. However the reality is that if we weren't related we would have never been friends. We are just to different in our views, in out like & dislikes. It doen't make me better than her. It's just who we are. Do I wish we were close like my nieces are with each other? Sure, but we're not. It's what life is for us. It's like trying to force a relationship with an addict when they are using. Not gonna happen. This is life on life's terms in its simplest terms.
So now it's time to move on. I turn her over to her HP. I wish her well. That's all I can do. I will always be there for my nieces. Should my sister decides that she wants help and needs me, I will be there. But I can't allow the toxicity of her life to drag my life down. Just like we can't allow the addicts in our lives to take over our lives. I wasn't willing to die for my beloved Tim's addiction and I will not do it for her. I am recognizing my feelings (good, bad & ugly) for what they are. Now I have to detach detach and detach. I have much work to do on myself & I can't do that if I allow negative behavior from her or anyone to rule my life.
Time to get back on the recovery bus. Much love and blessings to all of you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn on Monday 30th of August 2010 11:36:43 AM
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Karilynn....I'm having trouble reading the post...the font seems small to me. I'll try to respond to it later but wondering if you could adjust things?
Ok...read it......... you seem to answer all your own questions, and already know what to do. Taking other's inventory is hard to avoid especially when their behavior impacts us, or others we care about. I may be wrong but I think a certain amount of resentment indicates that you are no longer tolerating intolerable behavior. I think that resentment like alot of other emotions are ok, in that they are real, they our ours and it's ok to feel. The problem comes when we don't handle the emotions well or act on them in inappropriate or self destructive ways. Good luck.
(((((Karilynn))))) You continue to work it and that is what I needed to hear. I need on a daily basis to persist with my program of recovery. Persistence help me during those lessons about "how do I love my alcoholic/addict wife and others?" and my HP reached me and asked me how I knew HP loved me. Only one word fully describes my HP's love for me and that is unconditionally. I learned I am to do the same I had to get rid of any justification I had or would ever had for not loving every other human being for exactly who and what they were. To emphasize the point my HP brought another Al-Anon member into my life at one meeting, a Wednesday Night who spoke about loving her alcoholic husband and I more resisting her share than trying to keep and open mind. After the meeting I followed her out to the parking lot and asked her for her definition of love because I just hadn't got it and she gave me her definition which is now my own over 20 years later. "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are." There are no justifications not to; no howevers. I'm glad you're back. I'll send you the address to send the leftover blueberry pancakes. LOL (((((hugs)))))
When the justifications stop so will the inventories.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 30th of August 2010 01:25:33 PM
Welcome back my dear friend I have missed you. I too have been thru another storm or too since you have been gone.
One day let's hope your sister realizes how lucky she is that he is still on this earth. As we both know the alternitive is ugly and lonely.
Give it to God, I have and you can my friend.
I have decided that no matter what I am stepping out of the darkness into the light and staying there.
This 20 yr old boy that od'd on my floor has been so hard to deal with in more ways than i can tell you there are people actually saying we let him die here can you beleive that one. Meanwhile zach spent 45 minutes giving him cpr waiting on the ambulance.
I have decided that life is what it is......out of the dark and into the light....Let Go and Let God.....
