The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, continuing on the topic of Ilovedog's thread - when you just get to the point when you deliberately do not snoop, how do you get over the anxiety of needing to know? I guess I'm asking for specific methods self-care, perhaps deliberate trains of thought, which may be used during the transition to taking care of yourself (not the A).
I have heard the 3c's, but when it is a family member it is difficult not to share the load, because we do this in other aspects of our daily lives.
I agree that it is difficult to 'share' family loads. In the case of addiction, 'sharing' my husband's load became a struggle for survival. I had to learn to accept that this is not something I am wired to handle on my own. What I tried prior to alanon did not work; I have come to learn that detaching from the pain with love is critical to my emotional health. I'm still working on it.
Being human, I have had 2 alanon snooping slips this past year. From the slips, I learned a lot about myself and I don't want to be this person. One slip, I proved my suspicions were wrong- and, boy, did I feel foolish! More importantly, it showed me that my trust issues run deep and that is something I truly need to work on with my HP. The other slip, I was correct, but instead of some sense of satisfaction, I felt a sinking knot in my gut.
For the remaining times when I was successful, I reminded myself that it is none of my business and how critical it is to my health to not look/ not truly needing to know. I ask myself what is the motive, the purpose, and the good of the potential outcomes? I ask my HP to help me let go and for the strength and encouragement that things will be ok.
The alcoholic is already sharring the load , they have u looking and checking when u could be doing much more postive things with your time . trust me your never gonna find it all anyway my husb when sober found booze in the damdest places he even amazed himself . hehe
Pax what has already been shared also pertained to me too. Getting over the anxiety meant dealing with the fear of loosing even more of the situation which I mistakenly still thought at times that I had some control over or influence in. I continued to remind myself that I was powerless and snooping or prying was an indication of unmanageability. Another thing that help was disliking the thought that my happiness and sadness were conditioned by what my alcoholic wife was or was not doing. I other words I hated the idea of being controlled by the disease. I hated the powerlessness. Most people I know feel more confident when they think they are in control of their lives and outcomes. Snooping was looking for proof that I was wrong as much as it was that I was right. I just needed to know and it killed me when I didn't. Good post...((((hugs))))
This is something I'm still struggling with, too. I have (finally, after 32 years) made the decision- and shared it with my AH when he was sober- that I will not live with him when he is drinking. I know from the way he acts when he has been drinking but, since A's are masters at deception, he can always make me doubt myself, make ME feel like the one with the problem. During his latest relapse, I knew early on that he was showing those behaviors. He told me he had been to his doctor and was told he was clinically depressed. Since the behaviors For depression and alcoholism are very similar in many ways, I figured that it was the depression that was at the bottom of what I'd been seeing. And, having lived with people suffering from acute depression, I understood it much better than alcoholism. That is not a problem that would have threatened our marriage. It was only through 'snooping' that I found out he was drinking again. He still denied it, until confronted with the proof. I guess it just shows how much I still need to learn, but I feel justified in my snooping. However, I think that it was only justified because I had a plan in place that was contingent upon whether or not he was drinking. In the past, before I decided I wouldn't live with him if he drank, I did keep myself from snooping often by thinking, "what difference does it make? Other than the satisfaction of knowing I'm right, what will it change?". So, again, like you, this is something I still struggle with. I know that it's a behavior that can make me crazy if I let it, but I still can't seem to stop. I figure if I keep learning through the al-anon principles and people who know so much more than me, that someday my HP will help me over this hurdle, too. Not much help or guidance for you, but maybe it helps some to know you aren't alone with this problem.
Love from Denise _______________
The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.
__________________
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
I focused on how pointless it was. I could sometimes give hours per day to looking for it. When I found it, I then engaged in thoughts for hours about what I should do about it. So it could really monopolize my time.
Then I realized it would be self evident if it was in the house. I could satisfy my desire to know, by knowing I would know within a day or two anyway.
Eventually I told my AH that I promised never to throw his alcohol away again. That would be up to him and his HP. He still hid it because of his shame.
One day, pax, I decided I would not allow HIS addiction to drive ME crazy. Obsessing on where his liquor bottles might be hidden was nuts, and I finally refused to play into being nuts. It was easy after that revelation. I don't care where his bottles are. If I come across one, I simply put it in the trash. Even when I was in my prime snooping period, lining bottles up on the kitchen counter didn't mean anything to him. So I thought, "To hell with this. I am accomplishing nothing." That was the end of my snooping.
A, by the way, has been sober now for, what now, about three months. I am hopeful, but not too hopeful. These binge drinkers can fool ya. About the time you think they may be going to give it up, they show up drunk. Right out of the blue....
Best to you,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I don't have much to add except to say I have been there, too. It soon dawned on me that finding the bottles and pouring them away was literally pouring money down the sink. He simply went out and bought more. I have told him I don't care anymore and he might as well not bother but, just like Rocky's AH, he still hides because of his shame.
I so understand. I pray that I will not snoop today. If I want to snoop, I will do something else to get my mind of snooping. I don't tell myself that I won't be snooping the rest of my life - just today.
The less I snoop, the less my anxiety level is. I think you will find that, if you stop snooping, your anxiety level decreases over time. Snooping always kept me completely on edge and made me physically sick - either because I was sick in advance about what I might find, or because I was sick with anxiety that I hadn't found everything. Ugh.
I can so totally relate. Just keep hanging in there.
Well of course you have anxiety. I thnk the anxiety of snooping is much worse.
I tied myself into knots trying to work to anticipate the ex A's actions. I also tied myself into knots trying to work out what he was doing. I stopped by detaching and that was considerable work. I also stopped by sharing much of my anxiety about his actions. I've said before today of course there is reason for concern, an alcoholic/addict is acting out. There is ample reason for concern, how we "respond" is not indifference. We respond by working to protect ourselves.
I cannot recommend highly enough the book Getting them Sober (offered at the top of this page). Expectations are everything. When I am currently around addicts (which is far more than I would like) I expect them to behave badly. I expect them to try to manipulate. I expect them not to have that much concern for others. If they are in recovery its a different story altogether.
I do think snooping was part of not being able to "accept" the addict. I felt like I needed to control him when he was always out of control. I felt like I needed to unearth the lies when all he knew how to do was lie. I also felt like all the issues had to have an explanation. Alcoholism is cunning baffling and powerful and one of the ways we can respond is to over react.
Trying to get to a ball park where we don't over react is a real trial and error proposition. If you are considering not snooping that is one of the steps. I felt liek 'snooping' was my right before as I was absolutely over invested in the ex A. I could justify it all night. When I stopped the irony was that I felt less anxious, less guilty and less vulnerable.
I got over the "need to know" when it finally dawned on me I ALREADY knew. I was so obsessed with the need to know looking for evidence and badgering my son until he told the truth. It was so much wasted energy to hear what I already knew. It took me a long time to get there but I put that wasted energy to good use and started focusing on myself Blessings
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I should mention that this is about our adult child who will go to jail if caught drinking, because it is a violation of probation terms. I don't do this with the other A in the family.
((((Pax)))) Snooping will still not stop your child drinking and hiding the evidence. All it will do is increase your anxiety levels. As hard as it is, he/she has to make their own decisions about what they do or don't do. I do appreciate i is hard. You child is still your child even when they are adult. You are not going to stop worrying. However, do try to focus on yourself and look after you. You are worth it.
You're right. It makes me anxious and angry and causes us not to get along, but it doesn't stop the trend.
On the other hand, I have stopped binges with a f2f confrontation, but the binges do happen again. And the cost of these confrontations, to me, is dear. I suffer emotionally and physically.
It seems harder with an (adult) child because we used to have some measure of control, and still do, over other issues, such as household chores.
Stuff I do so I won't snoop: read alanon books, surf the internet (especially this board), read regular books, go to library, put on loud music, try to get my mind off of it by baking, cooking, showering, .... Is it easy? No. Do I slip? Yes. When my abf slips I slip every time too... working on it
I used to snoop and find things, check texts, look at incoming and outgoing calls, smell his breath, look at his eyes, ask him tons of questions. There was a time that I even wanted to buy an Alcohol Breathalizer and have my husband blow into it whenever I suspected he was drinking and would deny it! All the members here, in their wisdom, asked me what that would accomplish!!! It was crazy and I was getting crazier trying to cope until I started posting here, learning, reading other posts and going to Al-Anon meetings. I feel connected now and getting healthier and detaching. My AH has been sober for months, but the last couple of days, I suspect again. Now I feel stronger and bonded with others; it is vital for me to stay on-track and healthy. Hope this helps.
my husb when sober found booze in the damdest places he even amazed himself . hehe
