The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I grew up in a family that were severely mentally ill. There were no boundaries in that place, everything was a disaster and catastrophe ruled. My parents and indeed my siblings could not cope with day to day living so they didn't they merely survived it. Most of my life I have therefore been pretty "comfortable' around chaos, dysfunction and people who were plain out of control. I can't say I liked it but it felt 'nomal' to me. I found every day living, working, relating and just getting by a real challenge. I've managed it to some extent but I've always been under employed, subject to depression and more likely to encounter relationships with people who are dysfunctional, addicted and overwhelmed.
These days when I am working a program and aware of boundaries. I'm really aware that there is no way to gain good judgment when you grow up in the way I did. Denial was not something I chose, it was a necessity. Until I was an adult (and in therapy) I could not psychologically have survived knowing how mentally ill my parents were. I could not acknowlege my sister's alcoholism and how powerless I was over her actions.
So I was always drawn to poor choices, over reactivity, or under reactivity and of course blurred or no boundaries because that is all I knew.... I had no way to navigate the waters. Now when my life is certainly not easy ( I have a wealth of problems many of them related to my long term relationship with an addict who absolutely bottomed out and dragged me with him) I do make better choices. Daily I change the way I choose to relate to others including setting limits, taking care of me and not being on overwhelm 24/7. I can look at others and rather than be suffused with over reaction (resentment being one screen I never got through I just stayed there in a toxic pit) I can make some choices about who I relate to, how and when and whats more how long I spend obsessing about what I don't have. I have limits of course when once I had none or my limit was to get so ill that I shut down. I have limits about where I live (surrounded by addicts) and how I live (poverty caused by last relationship and more and oh yeah the economy too) and what I can do (more poverty and oh yeah that thing called the economy again which I never thought much about when I was out there). Nevertheless I do make choices that are better for me. I am aware what emoitonal health is rather than guessing at it. I strive to have some rather than be exhausted all the time.
I know now that my bad choices(my proclivity to be at home wiht addicts/alcoholics and over react to everything) was one sure red flag for anyone around me who had some modicum of health. These days when I around those who make poor choices I set different limits and don't feel as "at home" as I once did. I didn't believe I had choices throughout most of my life I fel sunk like someone on the Titanic and I resented deeply anyone who suggested that I had any part in it. Now I have "them" I can't say I like some of them but I do have choices and I do make them rather than have situations swallow me whole (which is one reason I am here since I did that with the ex A). . I can have compassion for addicts, alcoholics and more but I don't spent my entire life in over reaction to them as I did. M yl ife doesn't revolve around someone else it revolves around me and what I can do to make it better rather than barely survive it. I can also know where I end and begin which I don't think I had the ability to perceive before.
What choices do you make, how do you make them and what is the difference between then and now?
Maresie.
-- Edited by maresie on Saturday 28th of August 2010 03:17:18 PM
Thank you for a great post...:) I could relate all over the place. I remember sitting and wondering how in gods name i landed where I did. The senence I take with me everywhere now is..."Every choice we make is the beginning of all that is yet to be"..... Thanks again :)
The big difference in how I make choices now and before alanon is that Now I focus on myself, my needs, my desires and ability to handle a situation. After looking at all these positions I make a decision and a choice and then follow thru.
Before alanon I was on automatic I thought I could handle everything That I was superman and that I was in control. I could wish things away or make things better by my super efforts . I really believed that nothing was impossible for me. I also thought that HP was just on the side lines watching and keeping score.
Today I know how truly powerless I am and believe my HP is my guide and partner
I think I am beginning to find acceptance in my life of where I am rather than where I think I should be. Acceptance goes along with choice. Of course I know its one long uphill struggle for quite a while.
I did pretty much believe I was certainly better than, knew what to do and how to organize everyone else's life but my own. I also felt powerful much as hotrod suggests. I remember floundering around when I was trying to get the ex A a home after he was homeless. I was able to "deal" with all the obstacles he put in my way. Nowadays I would not even consider going up against such hurdles.
I am beginning to come to a grasp of how irresponsible I was in some areas and absolutely totally over respnsible in others.
I was dissassociated from my feelings and over reactive to so much in my life. I felt I did not have feelings but I was acting on them absolutely irresponsibly because I was not able to acknowledge, work through them and take action to protect myself.
