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It seems as though it's really harsh to say that another human being is "hopeless." However, I am truly starting to think there is no hope for my AH.
He has been to countless rehabs, in various programs, numerous hospitals, has all the support he has needed and then some. However, he is still a chronic relapser. Going against everything I know to be the right thing for me to do, I made one last offer of help to him to get sober again. He refused - he said that he doesn't want to get sober.
It's so sad to watch. But, I do know that my hands are washed of him. I will not stand in the way of him doing whatever he's going to do, and I will take care of myself.
The ex A who I was with for 7 years had major medical problems ( two life threatening illnesses). He went on a bender that never seemed to end. I really never got to the place of being able to sltep out of the way till real damage had been done to every area of my life, finances, home, emotional well being, my dogs, my entire life was a shamble.s
I don't think there is no hope. I do know for some people there is a real low bottom. If you ever go to an open AA meeting you will certainly hear storeis of people who turned about at a incredibly low point. By then they had absolutely destroyed many of their relationships.
This is such a sad disease, a disease that takes over the mind, body, and spirit of the alcoholic. He has to want recovery and at this time he is content to stay in the grasp of his disease. By washing your hands (detaching) of his choices and putting the focus on yourself you have make your choice....the right choice for you.
The only way your AH can get sober will come from a power much greater than you, the rehabs, and the hospitals. You continue taking care of yourself and let HP handle the rest, it's the best thing you can do for you and the best thing you can do for your Husband.
It IS sad. I've seen people that seem like they've lost everything. I can't help but wonder how it got that far. Then again, I am not an alcoholic and I just can't understand.
I've heard it said that when an alcoholic has had enough pain, he or she will choose to make a change. Until then - nothing changes if nothing changes.
I have heard really amazing stories in open AA meetings, and I know that as long as a person is breathing, recovery is a possibility. Just, unfortunately, recovery comes too late for some relationships to survive.
Hang in there. You are making huge strides in your own recovery.
I have been backwards and forwards on this in my own recovery.
There was a time where I had nothing but hope. I hoped he would be better soon, I hoped my efforts to help him would work etc. Then I understood the nature of his disease and I began to believe it was hopeless. I had no trouble detaching with love at that time because I truly recognized that I was relating to a person with a terminal illness. I could distinguish between the man and the disease, and love the man, but I had no hope he would survive.
After that period, my AH had many many periods of sobriety, reaching out for help etc. Yes, many relapses too, but hope came back into my heart. Detaching then became more difficult for me and I had to try and battle my desire to try and help him further. When I had hope, detachment was more difficult.
I kept on using the tools of alanon to help me through each of these phases. I realize now, that even when I thought hope was gone, it was still there. Just buried down a long way.
For me there now is no such thing as no hope. I have been in program a very long time and have witnessed more miracles than I can count including my own and also my exalcoholic wife's recovery. Hopelessness is the absence of a committed trust in my HP. When and where I thought that my alcoholic wife would never ever get sober my HP turned her into a living metaphor, for me of humility. Not only was I wrong but I learned thru her own attempt to get sober what humility and trust really was. She put a bag over her head for the first two weeks of rehab and allowed herself to be blindly led into the program...all during the time I thought the disease would kill her. I didn't even know she was in rehab at the time and got the story from an Al-Anon member who was supporting a family member in the rehab program. My alcoholic wife got dry for a short period of time in AA and sorry to say It was my lack of understanding, love, support and a huge fear that caused her to leave. Hope arrived when I got completely out of the way between her and HP...totally detached and that is when the two of them met and that is when my HP and I also met. Both of us powerless children came into and stayed in recovery.
If you convince yourself that all is hopeless...It is. Trust someone elses recovery and it isn't. In support (((((hugs)))))
Its not up to us to decide or project what will or will not happen with an alcoholic.
Its also not about them being able to keep a relationship with us either. Thats the least of their problems. I think they feel relieved when we step out of their way.
As long as they are alive and breathing there is hope. Recovery can start from any moment.
I pray for him from a distance....
Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 29th of August 2010 06:06:19 AM
What's the saying? "Where there is life there is hope." Yes, "hope springs eternal in the human breast." I think there is no such thing as hopelessness unless, perhaps one is run over by a fast moving train. Not much hope after a thing like that!!!
If I had no hope, I would abandon him. It's the hope that keeps me "hoping."
Just remember...Do not confuse "hope" with "expectation." They are horses of two different colors!!!
Diva
-- Edited by Diva on Sunday 29th of August 2010 07:59:04 AM
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thank you for your post...wow, theres a topic that caught my eye...hope...My mind tells me that no one is hopeless and no situation is hopeless but my experience taught me a different lesson. My father died at 42 he was a heroin addict. I remember watching him so out of control and thinking my god this man is hopeless...he seemed bottomless...I knew I couldnt help him and he would just drag me down in the process...i do now understand that its not intentional but none the less it is the way this disease works if we dont get out of the way. I think after 20 years of hard core addiction, jail you name it so much damage had been done that he did seem beyond hope to me. There was a year of sobriety prior to his passing and its like he was in a fog. I swear his brain was just shot. He went back to using and strangly enough the drugs didnt kill him but a drug deal did gone bad where he ended up being shot and killed. I dont know really, he seemed hopeless to me, just too many years of hard core addiction to repair the damage. I do know hes in a better place now and in some odd sick way it is what was supposed to happen...or it wouldnt have... I have heard many success stories and know they are out there, but i will say this...waiting and putting your life on hold for them to happen..it just doesnt work that way...we cant hope or love anyone into recovery...
Death will come to each of us some day, the inescapable destiny of all living beings.
Im sure your Father did his best. For in the face of death , external factors such as social status or position count for naught. There is no way to conceal the truth of our souls.
Life does not end at ones death. Therefore , its not whether our lives are long or short for life is eternal.
"im sure your Dad did his best"....well hummm....why would you think that was my first thought, lol...just sorta a polite thing to say I guess. I dont know if doing ones best is living your life with no regard to what and how your actions affect others, personally I dont think so. Seriously looking back how does one do their best living a life consumed with addiction. How can anyone do their best of anything when their life is swallowed up with addiction? Every choice and decision made comes from a sick one track mind....me me me.......I know that certainly doesnt sound pretty or kind but it is reality. I guess he did a great job being the best addict he could be that is for sure. When you live your life with every breathing moment looking for the next high and how you will get it ..it certainly doesnt leave much time for anything else. I dont mean that to sound mean or angry but truth is truth, he was one very sick human being and sadly enough his death brought a lot of peace and relief to alot of people....me being one of them. I dont even feel guilty saying that, he was like a tornado leaving road kill in his path....I'm glad I got out of the way....it was his choice how to live his life, I could either be a part of it or not. I am grateful If nothing else I can see how sick he was...addiction is an explanation not an excuse ...:)
Dream I never make empty comments or ones to be polite.
You have your opinions about your Father and thats your right. You lived it. Im not trying to diminish your feelings. Just another view point. Every human being has there own capacity for living. Even an addict.
Bettina :) what you said makes perfect sense, seriously i never thought of it in that way..."every human being has their own capacity for living"....so true and thanks, never looked at it like that :)
