The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have noticed on these boards that a LOT of folks speak of the alcoholics in their lives as an ex. Does anyone stay in these relationships? Can it work out? I guess I'm scared that I'll end up divorced like many of the people here and that is not what I want. I love my dh, despite his major shortcomings. He is a good father and deep down is a great guy, you just have to push past all the trash to find the treasure.
I guess I'm looking for some hope, even if dh doesn't change. I can't make him change and obviously, he's going to have to choose to change on his own and in his own time. So, if the alcoholic in a person's life doesn't change; can you the other spouse stay on and keep trucking along and stay committed to that marriage, union, relationship, etc?
There are many who choose to stay in the relationship.
There are A;s that get into a program , go to AA and stop drinking. There are a lot of A's that dont stop drinking, like my X.
One thing that is for sure, if they dont stop drinking the disease is progressive. I can only speak of my experience. I was married 26 years, we have been apart 2 years, and another time we were separated 1 year. I could not continue to live with the alcoholic. The behavior and destruction was to much too bare. Two months ago, he ruptured his esophagus and almost died. Today he drinks again. Such is the compulsion of this disease. He has almost died many times, this is not the first.
I also know that the only way to survive a relationship with an A is to get support. I think you mentioned counseling, but along with the counseling there is Alanon, Alateen for young people who have an alcoholic in their life. We can only change ourselves, we cannot change the alcoholic. We can learn to react differently, which will make the alcoholic react differently. There are no guarantee's with this disease.
I too never wanted to divorce my husband, but I wanted serenity more and a dignified life. Which is difficult to achieve if you are with an active alcoholic.
If you wish to not attend Alanon, I hope you keep coming back here and listen and share with all the members with their experiences of strength, hope and courage.
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 27th of August 2010 01:36:28 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 27th of August 2010 01:37:47 PM
I can't answer for everyone, but I have an exAH. Part of the reason he is an ex is because I was not in recovery myself and my life had become completely unmanageable. I decided that since I couldn't control him (i.e. make him stop drinking, make him come home when he said he would, make him tell the truth, make him keep a steady job, etc.), that I just couldn't handle living in the chaos anymore. Every time he had chaos, I took it upon myself to fix him - and experienced the chaos myself.
Had I been in recovery, the situation may have very well worked out differently. Had I understood that he was sick and that so was I, and sought help for myself, maybe things would've been okay. I don't know - I refuse to look back upon that with guilt. I did the best I could with what I had to work with at the time.
I am now married to another alcoholic. He has relapsed during our marriage. Because I was seeking help for myself, I made the decisions I needed to make to protect myself and my family during the relapse - but I did not leave. My husband currently has about 17 months of sobriety.
Can the other spouse stay on and keep trucking along and stay committed to that marriage, union, relationship, etc? Sure. There is nothing and nobody here that will tell you that you have to leave.
I think it is awesome that you can say that your AH is a good man deep down, you just have to push past the trash to find the treasure. That is a good way of looking at it, in my opinion.
The right answer is the right one for you, ilovedogs.
There are many, many people who stay with their A's (whether in recovery or not), who have found a way to be happy.
For myself, I really tried, but I felt things were just piled against me. I had to face reality where my AH was concerned. The thing with him, is that he's a closeted homosexual. THAT was my ultimate deciding factor in why I couldn't stay any longer with my AH.
I came to my decision to divorce by imagining the absolute best-case scenario for HIM.
I imagined what it would be like if he finally got sober. If he finally started attending AA and working an active, healthy recovery program, and if he finally found a way to be truly happy with himself and love and accept himself that that ultimately meant he would embrace his sexual identity. A gay man can only be happy in a sexual relationship with another gay man. Not a heterosexual woman.
Then I thought about my own happiness as a heterosexual woman. How on earth could I be happy in a marriage with a gay man????? I have sexual needs and only another heterosexual man could fulfill those needs, not a homosexual man.
So... that's what ultimately made the decision for me.
I decided there's no reason we couldn't still be friends, though. But we can be friends without having to be married.
Not every alcoholic marriage is like this. I'm not saying that to try to convince myself that my situation is "special". There is an extremely huge population of closeted gay men out there who are married to women, and unfortunately a huge population of those closeted gay men cope with their self-loathing with substance abuse and other addictive, compulsive behaviors.
In any case, I personally know several people who are married to alcoholics and they seem to have found what works to keep them happy despite the drinking and the bizarre antics that go on with living with an alcoholic.
You're not doomed to divorce. Who knows what's going to be right for you? Only time can tell, and it's ultimately a decision you get to make for yourself.
I am with an alcoholic boyfriend.... I am trying to be the change I want to see. It is very hard, but I am working on it. While I change me and work on me, I see that he may be flailing, but I hope eventually he gets it and his HP gets a hold of him... That is all we can do, change ourselves and hope :)
My AH just relapsed yesterday after 9 months of sobriety. He is living in an apartment, not in our home. I know he's drinking, however, I'm not really directly dealing with his drunkeness. I've called him a couple of times to make sure he's still alive - but, that's all.
I'm at a point now where I simply cannot live with him while he's drinking. I will not live with the chaos of that anymore. Will I divorce him? I'm very seriously considering it. I've not spoken with an attorney yet or anything like that. But, it is definitely a possibility. His disease has taken such a toll on me and my life - emotionally, physically, financially - I believe I have gotten to a point of no return. I love my AH, but, I love myself more.
Right now, I'm focusing on me. I'm not involving myself in his disasters. Maybe my AH will finally be compelled to face his problems. I don't know - I really can't count on that. I'm also trying to really look at my motives before making any rash decisions. There is a quote in our literature (One Day at a Time) that says this: "Make sure that the medicine you decide on in a rash and desperate moment doesn't turn out to be worse than the malady."
I remember wondering this when I was first exposed to alanon years ago. I was in a state of pure fear, panic, and flight, driven by fear of losing our home and the AH not working a true recovery program and he was still active. Although I attended alanon meetings for months, I didn't 'get it' and filed for divorce.
Years later, I returned to alanon and I am now understanding and working the program. I do not know if I would have made the same decisions regarding the divorce had I had the information I have today. Had I stayed, though, my daughter and I may have been homeless.
My exHA is now functional at work once again, attends AA, but still has a lot of anger and tries to hurt me with it any chance that I would let him. He said he will never forgive me for the divorce and I would not have done that had I truly loved him. He has many hurtful behaviors, but I do not know if he is active. In the past, we always told each other we would be best friends, at least, no matter what, but he feels differently now and does not want any relationship with me. He remarried recently to someone he met in AA. I am rebuilding my life and trying to focus on myself, detach from the pain, love, and pray for him from a distance. Oddly, I don't know that he is any happier than am I. Life is so full of unanticipated twists and turns.
Now when I think of the question, 'how many stay?', it is really not about numbers. It is how I feel and what is the right thing for me at the time. If I am not sure, I have learned to give myself permission to wait until I am comfortable in making a decision.
It's a tough call. You have to find what's right for you. I would recommend a good bout of recovery to see how much things improve, then you can make a good decision. I would say this, just don't count on him to change....he may or he may not.
There are many who stay in the relationship with an alcoholic; there are just as many who do not. It is your call. I divorced my A because I did not want to be personally financially responsible for the mayhem he may cause. Drunk driving and the like. I am still with him because I have not come to the point of thinking life would be better without him. If and when I do, I'll show him the door. I have detached from him in many ways, and I am happier for having done so.
So see? Your decision is yours; you do what's right for you...without apology to anyone. :]
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
To stay or go is truly an individual decision, we all have different levels of tolerance.
And situations are so different -- it's not usually "just" alcoholism, there are various fallout effects from the disease that may or may not be present for each relationship.
My threshold has basically been to ask myself, "Would I accept this behaviour in a non-alcoholic partner?" I'm not going to excuse things like violence or infidelity because "it's the disease" -- I'm going to run for the exit.
I left my long-ago marriage to a man who was the son of an alcoholic and probably on his way to becoming one himself (which I only saw in hindsight, not at the time) because of physical violence.
I ended a past relationship with an ABF because of suspected cheating, and his habit of picking a fight to break up with me when he wanted to cheat (sparing himself the guilt of actually cheating, because he was having sex with another woman technically while we were split) and then reconciling with me shortly afterward. I could detach fairly easily from his relapses because we didn't live together, and he never wanted me around when he was drinking, so drunkenness was really a minor factor in my decision.
Alcoholism played a bigger part in the decision to leave my most recent relationship. He was relapsing quite frequently, and the negative impact of those was snowballing. I couldn't stand to watch him deteriorate and, knowing the progressive nature of the disease, I thought he was in a real downward spiral that was only going to worsen. Essentially I just couldn't bear to stick around and witness the self-destruction of a human being that I loved.
But he has now been sober for eight months, and showing a lot of real personal growth, so I've decided (after much reflection!) to give us another shot.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I arrived at so many questions when I first got into program that I was sooo confused most of the time. The fellowship told me not to make any long term decisions for up to two years during recovery but I was too into denial and still wanting to control and fix and manipulate. I went back several times ending in the same consequence...I did the same things, with the same mind and ended up with the same consequences. I was told that would happen and then I decided to work on me for the two, then three next years. I had one fixing relapse in that period of time and stayed in program until I made my final decisions for the right reasons, for me. I inventoried why I had gotten into the relationship in the first place; what my plans were before getting married to the alcoholic, what I was getting out of the relationship before getting married and what needs were I trying to satisfy and finally how the marriage had evolved as a result of my behaviors, beliefs and thoughts. I divorced my spouse and got out of the way...and then she got sober. Only one of the things I learned was that she was chasing my own drinking behavior and wished she could drink like me. If we had stayed together it might have cost her, her life as it had almost cost me mine. That inventory I did helped me later on after my exalcoholic wife got sober to get into AA myself. To stay or not to stay...that is the question. You get to build your own solution...I suggest you do it within the program and with your HP and sponsor. Good luck ((((hugs))))
I chose to stay. We're going on 23 yrs of marriage and my husband will be 6 yrs sober this Feb. There's always hope. I'm so glad I didn't quit before the miracle. I know I'm lucky, sometimes the miracle doesn't arrive.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I stayed. 32 years. My AH is also a great guy and a wonderful father, under all the trash! He is now 2 months sober, this time. Whether we stay together or not will depend on many things, but for today things are good. I do have regrets but staying with him is not one of them.
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
When I first got here it was so essential for me not to be told to "leave". I did not feel leaving was an option for me. As I worked through al anon and saw the ex a spiral down I had many choices. I certainly could have stayed and continued to deal with his chaos. I dealt with it for years. I knew how. I also knew that it was destroying me.
I don't think anyone here doesn't love their significant other. I certainly love my younger sister who is an alcoholic. How I interact with her now after al anon is very different and far healthier for me than it was in the past.
I do know many many people who "stay". There is no requirement in al anon to leave there are suggestions of how to handle life with or without an alcoholic. These days I do not have an intimate relationship with an alcoholic but I am certainly surrounded by them on many levels. If I did not have al anon I would have a very very hard time dealing with that.
This is your choice and your choice alone...only you can decide this one...I stayed for nearly 20 yrs and then one day enough was enough.
Eventually I did allow him to come back home however it was too late....his body could not take anymore abuse and just starting shutting down.....this is the life of living with addiction...try and remember do what you need to do for you.
