The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been writing here many times before since I joined Al-Anon in the end of April this year. And I always find that it helps me to make important choices in my life.
I entered Al-Anon, still while being in the relationship with a girl in England (I am Norwegian, but study in England). She broke up with me in the beginning of May and since then she continued to push me more and more out of her life. She was working the steps with her sponsor at the time and was advised to stay away from me and all other men while she was going through the steps.
It was a difficult period from me as I at first felt I had difficulties just getting through the day without her. As time went by and I moved to Norway fro the summer in the beginning of July I started getting better. I still missed my ex-girlfriend, but managed to have a good time on my own.
The plan was that we could have contact again after she was done doing her step work, but I did not hear from her. In the end, when I felt strong enough for it, I sent her an e-mail, saying that I still wanted to be her friend.
She replied that she also wanted to keep in touch, but thought maybe it would be very difficult for me, since she was now dating a new guy. The new guy was her sponsors brother, who is in Jail. She lost her sponsor over this, but got a new one.
I found it very hard to deal with, she was right. But at the same time I really didnt want to loose contact with her. I sat a whole night writing lists about what all of this meant and to try to find out what interest I really had in staying friends with her. I decided that I still wanted to be her friend and sent her an email, saying that I can do this.
Since then we have had some contact on phone and e-mail. It has been surprisingly easy. We have both talked about pleasant things and the resentments I had with her slowly faded away. Her name went from my fears list to gratitude list.
Then, on Tuesday night, she called me and was clearly upset about something. She said she phoned me because I was her friend. She was pregnant. She was scared and wondered how she was going to manage all of this. She is completely against having an abortion, and I understand her views, although I fear for both her and the child if she becomes a mother.
This new situation also made her new boyfriend show his true face. He has been very little supportive and has been trying to scare her and force her to have an abortion.
Two days ago, she broke up with him, and said she didnt want anything to do with him any more.
Luckily, she seems to be supported by her sister and mother (I did not expect this). I think its important to have some backup from family in these situations.
I spoke to my ex-girlfriend for a long time on the phone on Wednesday evening. She said so many things that made me confused. Stuff like why cant he be more like you? about her latest boyfriend. And that she didnt even love him.
This makes me think: But you dumped me and chose to date him!?!? Any way, I feel that I care for her a lot. She has been asking me to be around a bit, as I am have one more year left in England with my studies. She say she is scared of being alone and dont like the fact that she has to do this as a single mother.
I dont like the situation much. I know I still love her, and want to help her in any way I can as long as it dont start to break me down again. I cant afford to get too much involved in this.
My biggest fear right now is that she will try to get back with me. This is so ironic, because I have wanted that so badly before. If she turned to me now, it would only be because she is scared to be alone, and not because she wants to be with me. Its terribly difficult. A dilemma that I see no solution to that I would feel comfortable with.
I know one thing though. I am not going to turn my back on her. I know who she is behind the disease. She deserves the best. I will do my best to be a supportive friend. And if this is all she wants, I think it will be fine. If she wants more from me, things can get very nasty in my head.
I am struggling with my studies as well. I feel behind on so much. I have a loan to pay because of my studies of about 150000$. I cant fail my studies. I have to be so focused in this last year
Thank you all for being her. I hope you understand why I feel all of this is so difficult.
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If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
I am so sorry all of this turmoil is happening. You sound very wise about your limits. A relationship that comes out of her fear of coping alone does not have the makings of a healthy relationship, even apart from all the other problems. And you are still raw and vulnerable and in early recovery.
When things are extra challenging, that sounds like time to work your own program harder. Which you are doing, posting about it. I know Al-Anon is scarce where you are, but I wonder if looking for a sponsor would be a help right now? Extra challenge requires extra support. Remember that our new health comes from concentrating on us,rather than on anyone else. Please take very good care of yourself.
Cosmos wrote:I cant afford to get too much involved in this.
My biggest fear right now is that she will try to get back with me. This is so ironic, because I have wanted that so badly before. If she turned to me now, it would only be because she is scared to be alone, and not because she wants to be with me.
Great insight, Are! I think you should print that out and stick it somewhere that you can see it every day as a reminder.
In dealing with former partners who are alcoholic, I always had to keep uppermost in my mind that addicts are skilled manipulators. Sure, sometimes they would say all the "right things", but most of the time they were just feeding me what I wanted to hear, and nothing had really changed.
Perhaps time to start thinking about what boundaries you can put in place to protect yourself, if you are going to have frequent contact with her when you return to England.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
My take on this situation is your ex is alone. pregnant and still new in her recovery. I think as you are also still new in your program you need to keep the focus on YOU ! If you can remain her friend and be supportive without getting totally emeshed in her situation than that would be great. But remember she also has the support system of her mother and sister. So in re entering this relationship check your motives honestly and think about what her motives may be. Your program and recovery is the most imprtant thing so please keep that in mind when making decisions. Blessings
Don't be discouraged because your ex has drama. It is not your drama - no need for you to feel like you're losing a battle because she has made decisions you feel are questionable. You are making good decisions for yourself - so yay for you!!
Keep the focus on you, and keep doing the next right thing. You're already winning!
Thank you all for your replies. You have been most helpful. I realize that this is not my drama more than I make it mine.
I still struggle with keeping the distance that seems sensible though. In my family we have always stretched us beyond our limits to help each other in difficult situations. I remember one time when I was working as a service technician under a boss that didn't seem to like me. This was my first true job and I didn't know better. I lived alone in an apartment far away from my family and got more and more into a never-ending, sticky emotional web.
It was people around me, my friends and family that managed to pull me out of it. I regained my self esteem and started studying. I am not sure if I would have been here today if the support I take for granted had not been there.
I have written here before that I used to experience that my ex-girlfriend only seemed to really love me when she was scared or felt alone. She used to say that she felt safe with me.
This was also the case when she moved out from her mothers hose at the age of 34 year in the beginning of April. This was only a month before she broke up with me, but she still wanted me to move in with her and told me how important I was to her. In good faith I planned for this, helped her out with money for deposit and first months rent. I also bought most of her furniture, including a very nice double bed, where I think I only slept one night myself.
She broke up with me last summer too, and cheated on me in doing so. (She broke up after sleeping with another man).
I can look into my own motives. But when I do, I notice that they are very unconscious. Its not like plans. I think this is the case for my ex-girlfriend as well. If I truly believed that she planned to keep me for a while, until she was ready and installed in her new flat before dumping me, I would hate her for the rest of my life.
I know her well. And I dont believe she planned any of this. She is just human. And a human that is not emotionally well. She says that she has been getting better, but Im not sure.
Thinking this way, I can always find it in me to forgive her, but not necessarily trust her. Trust is difficult when some people seem to have a different view of life from day to day.
I also find it much more helpful for myself to be forgiving than resentful. People are different. I know that my ex-girlfriend is very different from me. I used to want her to change into someone more like me. The truth is that, if she did, I would probably not like her as much.
I still care for her a lot and will be a friend for her as best as I can.
I have one rule I want to stick to myself though. If our friendship becomes similar to what pour relationship used to be, I cant be a part of it. This will be if I am only good enough in times of crisis.
Thank you all for being here. Letting things out here and read your replies always make me think more broadly. I can be so blind on my own.
Are
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If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
In reading your first post, I was thinking, "Oh no! This situation is a classic case of an alcoholic crying out to be rescued and an Al-Anon being ready to swoop in and be the rescuer."
I love reading how you're reflecting on what's true in the relationship you've had with your ex girlfriend and you're starting to set some healthy boundaries for yourself.
Cheers to you!!! I hope I can find the same strength, too, should I be faced with a similar situation.
Thank you for your posts and sharing your path of recovery. I truly relate to your feelings and also family history of 'stretching' ourselves. Sometimes, though, I have learned that it can be equally as caring to let people find their own path- and it is just as difficult to let go as it is to 'stretch' to help. Your ex-girlfriend sounds confused and you are keeping a healthy balance for yourself. Your statement regarding trust resonates. It may feel like you can't win, but you are doing a wonderful job of taking care of you!
You've thought well here and being careful is smart as well. Be aware that many of us have the urge to "rescue" people, and that's how we end up in some of our relationships.
((cosmos)))........your right she is very sick...you sound like your on the right path in taking care of yourself, please continue to do so...for your own health and well being. She isnt the only woman on the planet my friend :) keep working it you deserve a healthy 2 way relationship !!
