The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
From reading my last post and everyone's wonderful feedback ("I go thru enough at home"), I realize that I still determine my own worthiness or goodness by everyone else's behavior toward me.
This undoubtedly came from living in an alcoholic household.
When I don't satisfy someone or when they are objectionable toward me, I have somehow "failed" again.
A very hard-wired message.
Today, I had to talk to someone about an account and they told me "You are making this difficult..."
I again felt that awful guilt/terror that I had displeased another person and right now I still feel like a bad person.
When will I learn to look at life like I am just one adult dealing with another adult?
When will I stop feeling like a horrible child or a failure?
I struggle with this, as well. I am my own worst enemy; not only do I feel like I'm a bad person, but I take out my boxing gloves and let myself have it. I am learning to stop beating myself up.
One of the things I do is try and take what is making me feel badly and making a positive statement about it. For example, regarding the account, I might say something like, "I am trying to help you- let's try this another way."
We should start feeling better as we build our self-esteem. Progress, not perfection and one day at a time. Often, I make a list of things that I'm good at or like about myself. It may take a few passes to do this honestly. Then I make sure I do something that day that will have a positive outcome.
I stay alive by coming here. I'm glad you are here.
(((((Carol_Lynn and Bud))))) another part of the lesson is that it will never become perfect so when you get it right celebrate and when it slips keep practicing. We did last nights meeting on detachment which I think worked well is an art form. I wish it had been one of my characteristics when I was being brought up in this disease but then would I have gotten it then. Tuesday night when I was watching the news and my wife was on her way to a meeting I reacted (undetached) to a news items about a guy loosing his life to a drunk driver and the female drunk driver getting 18 months in jail and 5 years probation. I reacted "SON Of A B---h!!" "What was that little statement?" I was asked by a voice outside of the front window. Twas my wife who was waiting for a ride to the meeting. Later on I was lifting a gallon jar out of the pantry by it's cap and the cap came loose and the jar fell to the floor thowing doggie snacks in a l l directions. I handle that one as if it didn't happen and usually that would happen like the drunk driver story. So some times you get it (pat yerself on the back) and some times you don't (get back on the track).
I totally understand. I did this for a long time - and sometimes I still do it. It's a hard pattern to break, and the scars of growing up in an alcoholic/abusive household take long to heal.
I find that positive words of affirmation help me - I consciously have to redirect my thoughts from the negative place (because for me, negativity begets negativity ... the more I allow myself to think negatively or feel sorry for myself, the worse and worse it gets). I tell myself, in my head, "I am a good person, and I am doing the best I can. I am worthy of love." Sometimes I tell myself this over and over. I have to - otherwise, I find myself living and dying by what I THINK other people are thinking (and whether they are actually thinking whatever it is, I don't know - I just anticipate what I THINK they are thinking and then start to let myself fall apart over my perceived inadequacies).
I think you're doing good - you're aware of your thought processes. You can't change it until you become aware of it. So you're well on your way to healing. Keep on keeping on. Progress, not perfection.
detachment came more as a lightbulb moment, than learning to do it. It was just "clicked" and an instant realization.. almost like I was seeing my own reactions, behavior, etc through someone esles eyes, and I realized I can't be like this anymore. staying detached.. well that's another thing, that takes more work, and constant reminding "don't get upset, it's not my fault, etc" However, I do make a funny joke at work all the time " just blame me, I'm used to it" and my boss takes it to the joke level, but not serious.. kinda helps in a way to not feel real bad about doing something wrong. I also have had to accept my own mistakes
"However, I do make a funny joke at work all the time " just blame me, I'm used to it" and my boss takes it to the joke level, but not serious.. kinda helps in a way to not feel real bad about doing something wrong."-carley
I used to do this too - kick me before you got the chance too, to make a debasing joke on me, to hurt me - for you. Idk if others do think it is so funny/great, I think it makes others uncomfortable &/or allows others to pity us. It isnt kind, supportive, healthy. I learned that others werent always trying to 'kick me' - that was an old coping mechanism that I used as a kid, that is no longer effective now. Please, make positive, constructive statements about you to others, it is more healthy, supportive.
I was told I had choices when I landed here. I didnt think I did have any but I listened, learned. It is my own poor inner script that says, I dont deserve anything better, I am a failure or I am doomed to suffer -- this just is not the truth. But if we are still believing & accepting this within us, then when we get hit with someone else's negativity and they are not taking responsible for their feeelings and they are looking for a (codependent) enabler to take up that sick emotional slack and buy it, taking it on for them.
You have a choice. You do not have to accept this sick emotional baggage that comes along. This is where cultivating inner boundaries has protected my inner being -- bc I know I do not deserve whatever they are heaving my way. It is them, not me. If u see or feel it coming at you and u begin to feel uncomfortable - identify it as their junk and step back/detach from their issues, feelings, demands, moods, whims, attitudes.
The way I first felt the experience of emotional detachment aka emotional autonomy- it was after I follwed through on a boundary for myself - then the feeling of detachment came. It was a product of something else I did first. I also work to maintain detachment or the ability to keep my stuff in my vision and not yours - by practising that daily. I practise focusing on me, I practise not taking on your junk, I practise self love and care, I practise exercising boundaries (I can have emotional, physical, intellectual, professional, familial, sexual, social boundaries), practise program. This all in turn, gives me the product of the experience of detaching - and I can keep it alive, fresh and new in this way.
I cant forgive, love, eat once and be done forever, having my fill. This is daily work, like breathing, exercise, bathing - it takes maintaining.
I nurture me by encouraging me and loving me from within. I have to demand better to get better. If I say I am a doormat, then that is the energy I am putting off. I had to think of it - as re programming or brainwashing - it is self preservation to take care of and love you and encourage you. (obvilsyu, it isnt healthy to want to destroy ourselves but I have to find that root belief in me, see how and where it got rooted and be willing to do the emotional work to feel-deal-heal it, so I can change my own inner script. As long as I continue the abuse, and perpetuate it onto me, then now I am abusing myself. When i saw that, I wanted to change entirely).
YOU are worth your own best love! If u dont stand up for and love you, who will? If not now, then when? You do have choices and they start with the self. I found too that all of this is perceptual - try to envision how others that love you see you - I know I am usually very surprised when I hear how they view me (it usually was a lot better then how I saw myself).
Take care of YOU, you only get one.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I am posting this bc I do believe that boundaries have changed the way my life works - but it was in conjunction with me, facing and being willing to replace old life scripts (the martyr) and to courageously love me like my own first priority, rejecting thoughts, behaviors that were not loving, accepting and respectfully treating others with the dignity that they can solve/fix their junk, while I do that for me. I do have respect in my life today and that has been a real eye opening journey for me this year. Mainly bc I am working to control me (instead of attemtping to manipualte and control others). It has taken TONS of willingness and surrender. Forgivness has freeed me from it all, more than anything. It takes total surrender to be willing to be walked through the process of forgiving by the guide of hp. It is divine work, after all. We forgive to free and liberate ourselves from the past and from abusers. Maybe even by now the abuser is not that anymore and working a healthy living program - and I am still holding on to the abuse and pain. Free yourself, get willing to hand it over, get willing to open your mind and make a change.
6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM THEMCLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).
Boundaries are to protect you. Not to control someone else. No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.
The boundaries are for YOU. In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance. When u out grow a boundary and dont need it anymore - u will know that too. You can have emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, spiritual, social, professional, financial, familial & marital boundaries.
I add this bc that is what happened to me a few times in dealing with my parents.
I mademy first boundary that I would not visit my mom if her AH was there. Then I would visit her but if her AH began to abuse me emotionally - then I left. After about a year, I had detached so much from his behavior, that I didnt need to leave anymore bc his words had no power over me, I no longer believed them - I could detach from him entirely & he couldnt hurt me anymore.
Take what u like & leave the rest. Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like.If you dont stand up for YOU, who will?If not now, when?You can change right now.Life is consecutive moments of right now.
FACE IT: Become aware of the thinking/behaviour that is a problem
TRACE IT: Try to establish where you think it comes from and why
EMBRACE IT: Accept that you did the best you could with what you had at the time but it no longer needs to be that way. Forgive yourself.
ERASE IT: The thinking/behavior no longer serves your best interests. To erase it, ask God to remove your shortcomings. Refuse to participate in the same thinking and behavior patterns. You may 'slip' from time to time but thats ok, it's a process and it's about progress not perfection.
REPLACE IT: Nothing exists in a vacuum therefore if you remove something you need to put something else in it's place. Where possible fill the void with Gods love. You can replace negative thinking/behavior with positive, healthy responses. Use the tools of the program. Sometimes we try something new and it doesn't work out for us, that's ok too, just try something different.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
