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This is only my 2nd time posting. I AH has been drunk every night for the last 2 weeks and I mean super drunk, except for the weekend because we were camping and he doesnt drink if he is with us 24hrs. He drinks before he gets home at night or he hangs out in the garage and hides hes beer in there. The last time we had a camping trip planned he wanted to leave as early as possible on Friday so I got off work early and talked my boss into letting my friend off early to. We sat here and waited for 2 1/2 hrs to get home. He knew people were waiting for him and he sat in the park and got drunk first. He doesnt have a real job been laid off for quite some time. He can't drive for the rest of his life so he takes the bus. He claimed the bus was late. LOL! I can tell he has been drinking as soon as I look at him. I was mad. The kids told me just breathe and lets get to camp. Anyway to get to the point. We are going camping again this weekend. My friend is getting off work early and will meet at our house. I told my husband what time we would be leaveing. I have a feeling he will not be here and have some excuse. It is a 4 hr drive to where we are going. Should I tell him I am leaveing if he is not here by a certain time? It has been really stressful the last few weeks here. Been reading Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drews. Any thoughts?
I learned I wasn't obligated to put my life on hold while the alcoholic was out getting drunk. I learned too that while the alcoholic was drunk that it was no reason to toss my happiness into the trash. Lessons, lessons, lessons...good lessons. "Courage is fear that has said it's prayers"...from somewhere in the ODAAT daily reader. You can take one camping with you. (((((hugs)))))
Your AH's bus might be late this week, but he knows in advance what time "Your Bus" is departing. You and your friend are both getting off early and you have a four hour drive in front of you. If he is late and "Your Bus" has left, it would be a good lesson learned, proving that the world does not revolve around him and his selfish disease. It's called suffering the consequences of your own choices.
I lived that life for many yrs before Alanon. In Alanon, I discovered I have choices. They didn't include waiting and being angry, just so I could drag a drunk person with me.
I could choose to carry on with my plans without him. I don't feel as if there should be a warning, he's a grown man, but that's my opinion. I would just carry on with my camping plans and have fun. My A got several surprises when I decided to keep my plans whether he was there or not. I'm not his keeper. There were consequences to being late, and that meant being left behind.
Nothing changes if nothing changes..
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I use to think that he got drunk to sabatoge any plans that were made. I just didnt realize he was drunk all the time and that he could not maintain being with people any length of time without drinking, especially family.
I couldnt stand the suspense anymore or go thru the anger of waiting for him, or the expectation of not know if he was going to show up drunk, so I decided to enjoy myself without him. His drinking was not going to control my life.
Jerry F. said it best, dont put your life on hold and your happiness in the trash .
Thank you all for your responses. You told me just what I thought I should do. I've been with this man for 20yrs married for 15yrs and 15 of them have been a roller coaster. I'm almost 56 and its time I started having fun with or without him. Thank you all, Will let you all know the out come.
Hope you have a wonderful time camping. Alcoholics drink -- you can set your watch by it. So he will drink and he will show up late. As the saying goes, the real question is "What are you going to do?" It sounds like you've chosen having a great weekend.
Bettina wrote: I use to think that he got drunk to sabatoge any plans that were made. I just didnt realize he was drunk all the time and that he could not maintain being with people any length of time without drinking, especially family.
Wow! That is very profound. Never thought of it that way... thanks! :)
I, too, learned to just go on with my plans without the alcoholic. It was kind of hard to do the first time, but I felt stronger and stronger each time because I was making choices that were going to be good for me.
Have a fantastic time camping! Sounds like a lot of fun!
I also learned myself not to put plans on hold for the alcoholic, unless I knew for sure that I'd not get resentful or feel put-out when (not if) he arrived late.
The disease is selfish indeed. So while its taking care of itself, I may as well take care of myself.
Funny thing was, I was usually more scared about what my AH's reaction would be to my leaving him behind when I made my plans and didn't wait around for him. I was surely expecting an angry outburst, but when I reflect back, likely 99% of the time, he never made a peep.
I think its entirely up to you. There is nothing wrong with leaving without him rather than getting so resentful.
I would come up with a plan be. The issue is if you leave him behind what are the consequences. If you feel guilty, obsessed and don't enjoy yourself then you should think of other options.
Oh, I'd tell him what time the bus was leaving and then make certain that it left on time - with or without him. That's what my experience has taught me.
Enjoy!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
