The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm working on my back deck, replacing the boards that are 20 years old, rotting etc. I've had so many problems and I feel pretty discouraged. For one thing I'm no carpenter and while I had some experience doing the front deck (which went way easier for a variety of reasons) it seems that the experience just doesn't "stick"...it's as if I had to learn all over again. I can't even consistently get a screw into the wood! Doing cut outs around poles etc are a tedious gut wrenching affair. I wish I could pay someone else to do it but can't afford it and it can't wait...it's an accident waiting to happen (someone falling through a broken board). In the meantime, the mean unforgiving voice inside of me is just beating me to pieces. I find myself thinking: I'm useless, this looks terrible, why can't you do this better..what's the matter with me, everybody else I know fixed their decks with no problem. Stuff like that. Then I've had a slew of bad luck, that while I'm sure some of this happens to everyone, in my heart I doubt anyone had all this: First order of wood was the wrong type, so I had to wait 3 weeks for the right stuff, putting me under the gun time wise (I'm off and need to finish before I go back to work). Then I had to deal with a yellow jacket nest near the deck that made working impossible...another delay of 2 days as I sprayed and sprayed until they were finally dead or gone. The blade on my saws-all broke, the plug on the mitre saw I borrowed from a friend melted (now I have to find another one) and it rained 3 days in a row making work which means I couldn't work (felt unsafe with electric power tools in the rain, not to mention fear of ruining some of the stuff I borrowed. Now I really feel like "it only happens to me" I'm trying to correct that thinking, to remind myself that some people who "had no trouble" building their decks, are currently out of work, that other people have other problems I don't even know about. It's just hard...feel so natural to beat myself up.
Sounds like a great situation to apply the first step... "I am powerless over this deck catastrophe... it's making my life unmanageable."
I really try more and more to just keep my eyes peeled and take special note when it seems everything is trying to work against me. Even when I feel like I have limited time to get things done, I will often re-think my self-imposed deadlines and decide that perhaps I should give something a rest because it seems like nothing's going right.
Best example I can give is in my divorce proceedings. I took Tuesday off from work because I had a doctor's appointment, and I decided that Tuesday would also be a perfect day to get the rest of my divorce papers down to the court. Well. while I was preparing the divorce papers, I came across a document that I had ad first dismissed as something that gets filed "later". I re-read the instructions I'd found on the divorce paperwork and finally determined that this document really should be filed with everything else.
I agonized over this, because the piece of paper required my AH's signature, and he's living a good 40 minutes away now and I knew I wouldn't be allowing him much time to come down and sign the paper. In fact, he simply wouldn't be able to get down and sign the paper before I was planning to head to the courthouse on Tuesday. I thought about it a lot, and very nearly decided it would be okay to turn everything else in without this particular document, but when Tuesday morning rolled around, I decided I'd be better to err on the side of caution and change my plans about going to the courthouse on Tuesday. So, I went to the doctor on Tuesday and just spent the rest of my day in leisure. I feel much better about listening to my intuition and acknowledging my feelings of unease about the plans I was making, and I have a feeling that my decision to wait until I had EVERYTHING was going to make things much easier on me.
I had to change my plans. I'm probably going to have to sacrifice a lunch hour now to take my stuff to the courthouse. Not something I really wanted to do, but again, that's an easier choice than finding out I goofed and having to jump through all the pain in the butt hoops the court system presents.
When everything seems to be working against me, that's the time I realize I need to throw up my hands, cry "Uncle!" and take a break and get a fresh perspective on what it is I'm trying to do. For me, it's the difference between working in MY will versus working in my Higher Power's will.
I'm so impressed that you're taking this on! I'm also impressed at your resilience! Even though you are discouraged, in my book you get an A+ !
I'm about to start a project of my own - making a memorial quilt from the clothing of my recently passed away husband. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm going for it. I've bought a book, done some reading, reached out to friends for help and done as much as I can to prepare myself to do a good job. The rest is up to HP. Kind of like working my program here
My observation is that most things in life don't work the way they're "supposed" to. Going wrong is the normal way. That's why there's the word SNAFU -- Situation Normal All F****ed Up.
It's even more so when you're unfamiliar with doing something. So much so that most people try never to do anything unfamiliar. I've read that most adults who start taking music lessons, learning to play an instrument, get frustrated and give up because they can't stand not being able to do it well the first time.
I give you all kinds of credit for tackling the deck even though it's hard and equipment breaks and things are infuriating. Some people would leave it till someone falls through. It sounds as if you are learning two things: how to build a deck, and what really goes on inside your head unless you change it. No wonder we have a hard time in life, eh? Changing the harsh thoughts in my head is such a challenge. But if a friend were working on your deck, would you say those things to him? Please take care of yourself. How satisfying it will be when it's done.
Hang in there. You can do it.... when my husband and I bought our house, it was a fixer upper from h#ll. We wanted to buy a brand new house with nothing to do, since we knew nothing about building or fixing ANYTHING. We would have loved to have hired somebody to do all the work for the house we did buy, but money was scarce and we also had two kids to feed. We owned a hammer and a circular saw. We bought a garage kit from Menard's, couldn't read the blueprint. We made a lot of boo boo's, laughed about them, and moved on. Now, 30 years later, the garage is still standing and looks pretty darned good if I do say so myself. We have totally remodeled the house and last year, we also built a huge deck! You can do this. Take your time, measure twice, cut once. When we make a mistake, it is God's way of playing a little joke on us. You learn from your mistakes and we have made some whoopers! I always tell my husband that when something doesn't turn out according to the plan or blueprint, it just makes it an original! The feeling of accomplishment you will get from completeing your work is tremendous. Don't get down on yourself... remember you are doing your best and that is the best that any of us can do.
MJH, your deck repair experience sounds a lot like my own lesson in "expectations", which turned out much like Mattie describes: SNAFU.
My counsellor had given me the assignment of letting go of routine and trying to be spontaneous, so I decided to do that on the Easter long weekend as it's difficult to completely abandon routine and structure on a workday.
I had originally planned to replace some flooring with the help of a friend, but his mother had a heart attack (a mild one, she's okay now!) so that fell through. I attempted some other smaller projects, but there were roadblocks every time. I was having a couple of friends over for Easter dinner, and couldn't find the ingredients for something I wanted to cook. Jumped in my car to head out on another grocery search and the transmission suddenly went. I have an ancient truck as an emergency vehicle, but the battery was dead so I needed to get a boost. Got a friend over to do that, and ended up blowing the muffler on the truck -- it is LOUD. Plus it's such a piece of junk that whenever I drive it, I'm desperately trying not to attract police attention because it will get pulled off the road.
You'd have thought the whole weekend was an unmitigated disaster, but every time something new went wrong, I just thought "Well, I'm supposed to be spontaneous -- this is pretty spontaneous, so I'm doing great with my assignment!" Plus I learned that I am very very grateful to have friends who will drop everything to come and rescue me, and still be happy with a meal that didn't go quite as I originally planned.
And I learned that my ability to roll with the punches was completely based on my own expectations.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Ahh brings back so many memories and my own current do it your self projects.. You are not alone in your problems and setbacks working on your deck My husband and I are big do it your selfers....he is much handier than I but I give it the old college try. When my husband rebuilt our back deck he had it all planned so well time wise. Took a weeks vacation at the end of may which he though would give him plenty of time. He managed to get the old deck down and the cement wood pillar casings in before we were hit by a huge blizzard. We were not counting on snow at the end of May and I don't think it has ever happened since lol. He was out there everyday doing what he could as it was terribly dangerous for us not to have the deck. Toward s the end of the week the snow let up and a neighbor offerred to help and they put thier nose to the grindstone to get the deck done before husband had to return to work. And he was dead tired as to get it done he had to work late into the night. Thankfully we were blessed with neighbors who didn't complain about the noise. One of my own projects a few years ago was to paint our kitchen cabinets. Not 1 color but 3. Apparently i picked out the wrong kind of paint. But it was painted solely for our tastes. When we tried to sell our house last year I could see potential buyers thinking they would have to replace the cabinets and that painting them wasn't a good move what so ever. So many many months ago I decided to once again redo the cabinets ( certainly can't afford new ones). I began what I thought would be a tedious but fairly simple task of stripping and sanding off the paint and restaining the cabinets. Boy was I wrong, it is anything BUT simple. After many months I am still working on the stripping and sanding and it is grueling. I felt since the whole idea was mine I shouldnt burden my husband to have to help so although he is dying to jump in and take over I have told him "hands off". I will get those cabinets done if it kills me LOL. So i totally understand your frustration in buliding your deck but I applaude you for taking on such a project. Don't let the setbacks get ya down. When you are all done you will have something to be proud of Please give us an update when you are all done, would love to know how it all turns out ! Blessings
Thanks all, continuing to have problems with the deck, everything that can do wrong will go wrong so far. The pace is agonizingly slow...I get about 1 board down and hour and more than that if I need to cut out arounds posts. It's pretty annoying. All this is compounded by the fact that I dont' enjoy this work at all. As I'm working I'm thinking of all the other things I'd rather be doing. I'm not good, I'm making tons of mistakes and from day to day I don't seem to get better. I would have expected that I'd get better at some part of it each day, but no....I make the same mistakes over and over, even when I'm aware and trying not to make the same mistake. At this point making a different mistake would be welcome, at least I could say "well at least I didn't do the same stupid thing again".... It just sucks, I suck at this and I dont' like it. I'm frustrated. The only positive is the support I'm getting here, and the fact that I can't quit (or else it doesn't get done) so there is snails pace progress each day. At least it's something.
I can't even imagine taking on the kind of projects you take on. Give yourself some credit for being amibitious, digilent and committed. There is much in my life I don't want to do. I am better these days at approaching it. I no longer beat myself into a pulp. Some of the first step is awareness. There are tools in al anon that can help, working with a sponsor is one of them. I find another is to surround myself with people in the program. Being around any addict/alcoholic in action is a hard task. I live around them. I severely (I mean really hard boundaries) limit how much they can affect me these days. None of that comes over night. You are on your way that is a huge step. So few people even think about recovery.
