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My husband just finished 3 weeks of inpatient rehab for alcohol addiction. At the end of his first week there he wrote me a beutiful letter telling me how much he was learning and how he felt like he was coming to know himself better. He called and texted with me frequently throughout the day. During the second week communication with him dropped off and I felt like he was avoiding me. He came gome monday and I found love letters to him from another female patient at the Rehab. Now I know why communication dropped off. I questioned him about it, and was told he just was "really busy", which I could certainly understand with teh rehab schedule. I just knew something was not right.. He has now informed me he isn't sure if he wants to be married to me anymore.
I am completely devastated by this. While he was away at treatment, I quit drinking myself, began attended Al-anon meetings weekly or more, called him, sent packages, sent cards, visitied weekly, and met with he and his counselor. He has had my full support.
Before all this we had such a strong bond. Our 8 year marriage has had ups and downs like all marriages, but has always had a strong love and sense of teamwork at the core.
My husband says he now is questioning every decision he's ever made in the last 15 years (drinking time) and our marriage has come into that. We would drink together quite a bit, hence the reason I stopped drinking when he went into treatment and found al-anon so that I could better myself and in turn make a better partner in our marriage.
He is telling me he sees only our arguements through the years and how drinking has played into that. He says he's not sure if he drank to cover up feeling unhappy with the marriage or not. I have told him that all the reasons I fell in love with him had nothing to do with drinking. Kind, devoted, affectionate, funny....and that I have to believe the reasons he fell in love with me are not alcohol related. I am so fearful that he will leave our marriage wiothout giving this "new" both of us sober life a chance.
We have an 8 year marriage with two children 13 and 7. I have known this man and have loved and been attracted to him 11 years. Up until his second week in Rehab, he was madly in love with me. I think this is when he met this other woman, and stopped communicating with me, the children, his family, and friends.
He is now home doing an IOP program, and I told him no contact with this other woman, and he agreed. I called the Rehab to let them know what was going on, and to have her stop contacting my husband. I have spoken with the IOP counbselor to let her know what is going on as well.
My husband seems so sad now. He rarely smiles, is emotionally and physically distant and unavailable. I want my husband back, the man who wrote me that letter after his first week of rehab reaffirming his love and commitment to our marriage. When I vistied him that day he was so happy!! How could everything go so wrong in a matter of two weeks???
I'm not drinking. I still attend Al-anon, and am participating in the family support at his IOP. I have been getting support from Al-anon friends, and my family and friends. I show him love and affection, and tell him so everyday. Sometimes he will let me hug him, sometimes not. I tell him I love him, and either he says nothing, says "I know you do", or says "I love you too". He told me yesterday the words "I love you" and "I'm sorry" mean nothing to him anymore when he says them. He also says he doesn't want to hurt me. But I am so hurt by this, This is not the man I know. The happy go lucky, affectionate man his parents, me and the children know. I feel so helpless to help my marriage!
Hope...I am so sorry for your sadness! This is a tough life sometimes...hunh?! Do what you're doing I think. You're sober, goign to alanon, looking for help, making YOU again.
I made agreements with myself and about myself in respect to the drinkers in my life. Now, I have to make MY OWN agreements about myself and how I view the world. My relationship with my husband has to come second to my peace of mind.
I am finding that the more I take care of myself, the better my relationships get. I mean, it's a strange thing because I don't even feel like being in a relationship half the time now (not so needy), so hubby and \i are becoming FRIENDS. We ahve been together the same amount of time as you guys/ We started as friends, but now I seem to need nothing from him, so i can be more MYSELF. We have made an agreement to just let each other live life, stop putting emotional demands on him, and him on me, and let each other BE OURSELVES.
Give him his emotional freedom...I guess if you can. It's a hard thing...when we are afraid that the results won't match our efforts. Expectations...blech.
My sponsor and others in this amazoing program are constantly telling me...forget that other stuff...YOU FIRST. Things will work out FOR YOU.
i am sorry you have this happening. When I first sobered up it was suggested not to start any relationships or end my then current one for at least 1 or 2 years (unless it was abusive). I dont know if its OK to say that, I think its a common thing recovering people get suggested. I can only speak for me but when i first sobered up I was all over the place.
-- Edited by Slugcat on Thursday 26th of August 2010 11:18:24 AM
Get a copy of the book offered at the top of this page, Getting them Sober. Expectations in early sobriety are way off for some of us. I am glad your husband is in recovery. Some of us hold off so much while they are drinking we have unreal expectations when they decide to do something. We also don't see their alcoholic thinking and blaming.
If your husband gets to work the steps the blame may stop. Meantime remember the three C's, you can't cure him, control him and you didn't cause it.
Damn I hate this disease ,unfortunatley your not the first to talk about this kind of situation , when newly sober alcoholics are soooo vulnerable and they begin to question everything about thier lives ..try not to panic ..no pressure he couldnt give u a answer right now to anything , early sobriety I lovingly call Stark Raving Sober , they are nuts .change thier minds every 15 min dont have a clue how to live sober and there is nothing u can do about that its his trip. Keep going to your meetings get the focus back on you and recover , lower your expectations about sobriety , some days all an alcoholic can do is NOT drink . so just for today that has to be enough . focus on your own needs take care of yourself and children and with or with out him u will be okay. Louise
Al-Anon book Dilema of the Alcoholic marriage is awsome , talks about drinking days , early sobriety and communication it will make sobriety much easier for you.
There was so much in your post, I know your going thru turmoil and its difficult.
First of all your recovery is not contingent on your husband . Its your own. You did yours alone. Why must you feel that supporting your husbands recovery was important to his becoming sober. It has been my experience that nothing I ever did in support of the alcoholic ever amount to anything of value.
This is not to say that this relationship your husband is having with this woman is not a fleeting feeling and something to do with his elation of being sober. You cant know.
I would think your priority is staying sober and working a program yourself. YOU are most important at this time. We have to get down to "SELF", its most important. The other problem with this other lady will take care of itself. Try to get the focus on you.
Wishing you courage and strength, luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 26th of August 2010 12:23:23 PM
Aloha Hope...welcome and you have received some great support to your post and I hope you don't suffer from information overload and if you take it in small bites you won't. It was responses like these and more that saved my mind and butt when first arriving at Al-Anon. There are similarities in your story and mine so I relate well. Only some of the stuff that was taught me I can offer. One is about reasonable expectations...I had to learn the difference between "my alcoholic" and "my wife" so that I wouldn't constantly be thrown off by the crazy abstract thoughts, feelings and behaviors that came from either one. There certainly was a difference with how I saw and expected "her" to act and how she did.
Another thing I learned was that if she wasn't being responsible for the consequences of her drinking than her attempts at using family, friends, marriage, job or anything else as a reason for "not knowing if" was bogus and a smoke screen for not focusing on "the" real problem...her compulsive, addictive drinking and how she made a mess of stuff (including the marriage) because of it. Alcoholism is not a moral issue so I had to learn how to keep judgement of my wife seperate from jodgement of my alcoholic.
I use to be a substance abuse and alcoholism counselor so I encouraged the family, friends and spouses to honestly and courageously address their concerns openly in family groups including "affairs" and all the other outrageous behaviors the family goes thru while the drinking/drugging life style is running. It is better to face the disease as a group than as an individual...the power is in the unity of the group. That is one reason why I love and continue to participate in the AF Groups.
What you honestly and courageously did with the counseling staff and program and with your husband regarding the (rehab romance...oh my god!! just like a zoo!!) reveals that you have positive assets which will hold you well in your own recovery. Like it has also been mentioned the process and the end consequences (for me too) must be that if every other person around me collapses their life...I will not collapse my own. I have come to understand that the life I have is God's gift to me and what I do with it is my gift to God.
Congradulations for getting off the booze yourself. Be a walker. ((((hugs))))
Thank you all. Last night he told me he wanted a separation and asked me to move out. I told him "I would not be going anywhere." He then asked me how I would stay in our house myself. I told him he is still financially obligated here. He is so up and down. Sometimes helpful and kind. Othertimes (most times) openly hostile. I am trying to not take it personal, but it is a hard pill to swallow. I try to keep myself a neutral as possible.
I believe he is still in communication with this other woman from Rehab, but I have no proof. I know he has been acting sneaky.
I'm really surprised he hasn't left our home yet. It feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop most of the time. I attend Al-anon daily, and found a temporary sponser, who may become permanent. I am trying to let go of my fear, and sit back and wait, but it is SO hard. I've got to keep working on it. This has been one of the worst experiences of my life.
I am trying to accept that he may leave. The thought terrifies me. Sometimes I feel so lost.
i am sorry you have this happening. When I first sobered up it was suggested not to start any relationships or end my then current one for at least 1 or 2 years (unless it was abusive). I dont know if its OK to say that, I think its a common thing recovering people get suggested. I can only speak for me but when i first sobered up I was all over the place.
-- Edited by Slugcat on Thursday 26th of August 2010 11:18:24 AM
He has been told that. When I asked him about it in reference to this hasty separation decision, he said "that's just a guideline". Not worth getting into an arguement with him. He is not thinking clearly, and pretty much everything sets him off. It's a helpless feeling.
I don't have an A spouse so I can't give much experience there However having grown up surrounded by alcholics and addicts and now having a son who is an addict I do have a little experience on what the A behaviors are when they are newly sober. When my brother and sister found recovery in the beginning thier thoughts and behaviors were all over the place. They were trying so hard to stay sober while living life on life's terms. Frankly I loved the fact they were sober but I ( not being in alanon at the time ) had no idea how to deal with thier behaviors and the decisions they were making. For a newly recovering A they sometimes have to be so focused on thier sobriety that everything & everyone else comes second. Kinda like when they were using and thier addiction came first. After they got more comfortable with thier sobriety it seemed they stopped questioning every decision they made and as they worked the steps they started making healthier choices. My understanding is that rehab romances are not that uncommon, but they are also not that long lasting. It seems some people need to attach themselves to someone they see as going through thier same struggles and someone who REALLY UNDERSTAND them! Plus the added fact that they are seeing each other daily. As they go back to thier"real" lives and as thier behavior changes if they are working the program things will settle down. I would guess right now your husband is having to feel a lot of emotions he has been running away from the last several years and thats gotta be a scary thing. I know working the alanon program and having also to feel emotions I stuffed for so long has been at times very overwhelming for me. My only suggestions would be to not to try to force a solution you are looking for and for you to work your program and let your husband work his. Whatever is meant to happen will happen, you can only control your actions and reactions! Blessings
I am focusing on working my program, as is he. I just seem to get side tracked with this so many times a day! I have hope in my heart that two days, two weeks, or two months from now things will feel better.
His family, my family, and our friends are as shocked by this as me. It helps to have that support and know that I'm not the bad guy. They are all encouraging holding off on big decisions right now. He has isolated himself from all but one friend, (who at least is telling him to wait on things) so I don't think at this point he is really open to suggestions. At this point in time, he seems to believe trashing everything and everyone and starting over is his only option.
Al-anon is halping me to remain neutral and quietly supportive. I am working hard to understand that this is a very confusing and chaotic time for him. (Me too!) At this point even my presense seems to either annoy him, or he is indifferent. Forget talking or physical contact! Lonely feeling.
Al-anon meetings, this board, and family and friends are helping with my feelings tremendously. I thank God for that.
First of all, I'm SO sorry you're going through this. At lot of what you said sounds very familiar to me - imagine that. :)
Abbyal hit the nail on the head. A's are NUTS in early sobriety. That's really the best way to describe it. They start analyzing and overanalyzing and overanalyzing again every decision they have EVER made. Mine was so mixed up and confused, he didn't know if he was coming or going half the time.
I know how you feel. I really do. All you can do is focus on your own recovery and take care of you. He's going to do what he's going to do.
