The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I used to be on here a lot at one time. I found my head was very cloudy and that I needed a break because I was having a hard time discerning what were the right choices for me and what were the right choices for others.
I have been separated from my aH for nearly 2 years and I am ready to move on to divorce. Many have said "you'll know when the time is right". I was skeptical if that was true, because I was always so willing to do the "push pull" with my aH. Things are different now, and I just know it's time for me.
I would like esh from other women who have been there, dealing with an A when it comes to custody, visitation, etc. My exaH at this point has not pushed for anything. I have always been very accomodating in fostering a relationship btw exaH and our 6 yr old child. I've come to realize that fostering their relationship is not my responsibility, it's aH's. If he doesn't initiate any relationship, I am not going to. I also dropped in during one of their visits recently that was supposed to be an overnight one, and exaH was drunk. I simply brought our child home and told exaH, no more overnight visits.
The victim mentality of exaH is just at it's highest ever. How do you work out a reasonable arrangment with someone who no matter what you do, always has a reason why they've been victimized through the process?
I too have been separated from the A two years, and couldnt move on with the divorce because of needing insurance as Im a diabetic and need care.
At first I pushed for divorce, no matter what, but have taken my time and realized it really didnt matter, it was ok to take it slow for my sake, not his.
I dont have small chldren with the alcoholic, but as a Mother, I would never trust an alcoholic with my child. I hear from other woman that its hard to convince a court that your husband is an alcoholic. They usually would have to evaluate the situation. You might want to have a consultation with an Attorney regarding this matter.
As far as your ah, it may not matter to him now regarding visitation, but you cant trust this disease, he may change his mind and give you a hard time. Its best to settle this legally.
An attorney can tell you the best way to handle the visitation requirements and negotiations, from a legal perspective. They frequently have options for mediation, which might be a possibility for you (the mediators are used to dealing with difficult people).
I was/am in a similar situation except that fortunately my A ex-H usually goes along with what I decide. He knows he couldn't possibly handle being the custodial parent, so he's never tried to get custody. I don't think there's any chance he would even if he tried. My lawyer told me that the courts usually go with what the arrangement has been so far. So I made sure we had a regular arrangement where he sees our child every Sunday afternoon for a couple of hours, so that was the "regular arrangement" the court could order to continue. He lives close by so he doesn't have to drive for our child to go over there (he just comes and they walk over to his place), but if it were farther I would drive our child over, just so there wouldn't be a chance of drunk-driving. I also vetoed all overnights.
You have more of a challenge if he's seeing himself as the victim, but if you have a pattern set up of regular visits, my understanding is that it's very likely the court will just order that to continue.
I hope you can take care of yourself too. Hugs to you.
I believe if you look at the Tiger Woods situation when joint custody is concerned many parents are asked to take parenting classes. The class coordinators feed back to the court system the motivation, attendance and practical experience of the parents.
I would highly recommend getting a copy of the book offered above, Getting them Sober. I can think of no other resource that can help in dealing with an alcoholic. Expectations are everything. I know for years I yelled, screamed and fumed at my expectations rather than the reality of my situation.
The ex A who I was involved with for 7 years was always the ultimate victim. By the time I left him he lived, ate and breathed chaos.
One thing that I did in leaving was to create a plan be. I looked at al the resources I would need, explored them, sought help and more.
I don't doubt there are many good divorce attorneys who can advise you on custody issues. I know from my own experience (not direct) that custody battle can be expensive, brutal and expensive. One one is initiated generally all hell breaks loose.
I think its commendable that you see your role so clearly. I bent over backwards for the ex A for years. He did nothing to help our separation, lived, ate and slept denial and left me with a real mess. Leaving was indeed very very difficult.
You definitely have your work cut out for you. Ending the relaitonship was heart breaking for me. I got to the point of being willing when staying outweigned leaving. There is no question some transitions can be long and hard. Mine has gone on for almost 4 years now and I am still digging myself out. I don't regret leaving for one second. There is no good time to make those moments. There is only reality. I fought reality for years and now I can accept it.
I am so glad for your child that they have one "sane" parent. I trust you will get all the resources, help and direction you need.
thanks Ladies! All is aligning so that I can do the next right thing. At times the drama and chaos is so tempting to jump back into - but not so tempting that Im willing to sacrifice my emotional balance and well being. For the first time ever, I see it for what it is... lots of hooks thrown by the exaH (I'm sure HE doesn't even know he does it) to try and get me to react. Afterall if he can get me totally pist and irrational, this keeps the focus off of him. I don't know where my strength is coming from but I am most comfortably defining "getting out of his way" and as a result I am just focusing on me and what I need to do to keep sane and healthy and well. My son's well being benefits also. We had a great night together tonight. :O)
